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Obeli

I am in a very twisted place right now. I am not happy with myself. 

I hate the sight of me in the mirror. I am not really loving my job. At some point of time, I loved the job for what it was. I now like it more for the peanuts I earn every month (I relatively earn more peanuts than what similar institutions in the same city can offer for my position). There has been huge work-related stress lately. 

Figlia took up swimming recently, and I have not been able to take her to the class regularly, because we are unable to match schedules. 

Gracy met with a road accident, and she is sufficiently beat up to not be there for atleast a month.

The other day I noticed Figlia yelling at M, completely mimicking my shrill voice when I have a noooooo- directive for either of the kids, and I realized that I am not doing very well as a parent either. 

I don't want to play victim. Something is bound to change, and I just don't know what hole to plug first. I am just getting wasted. 

Comments

  1. MrsSpock9 July 2016 at 20:29

    FWIW, we have heard our kids parroting us too. C will scold her brother and yell "Eat!" in the same way we do. We all do this sometimes. Please be gentle to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stacie10 July 2016 at 04:29

    Many hugs, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sarita Boyette11 July 2016 at 11:54

    With all you have been through, I can understand any emotion you might be feeling. Across the miles, I can sense that you are a good & noble person, a loving mother, and a great wife (before your heart was broken & after, because you are still with him). Every parent loses ones temper & regrets it later. Please love yourself. Please say to yourself that you are a worthy human being. I got tired of my job, too, but kept teaching for 27 years. I would still be teaching if medical issues had not entered my life. Praying for you & thinking about you. ((((HUGS))))

    ReplyDelete
  4. The Clam12 July 2016 at 18:38

    I think everything you are going through and feeling right now is only "normal" when one thinks about what you are dealing with. The self hatred, the shortness with the kids, the dissatisfaction at work... it all goes hand in hand.

    Be gentle on yourself... you're dealing with A LOT, you are allowed to self hate, be shrill and dissatisfied right now.

    Hang in there Bell.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  5. areyoukiddingme13 July 2016 at 01:33

    Don't worry about plugging holes. Realize that you are under an extreme amount of stress and that it's very difficult to deal with it. So prioritize your energy expenditures - try to make some of Figlia's classes, try to be more patient with the children, try to enjoy work a little (or at least see it as a respite, maybe?)...but if it doesn't happen right now, see what happens in a month or two.

    ReplyDelete

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