My Lady of the Lantern

I am not built to be the Madonna. I am built to be the mule - the dependable, weight-bearing, steady animal that is a mule, looks like a mule, and stays firm on the earth, no matter what the topography.  And it was not like that I was Madonna before and turned into a mule later. I have been that for all the while.  In college, I was in a big group of people - popular, social and witty; sharer of class notes; and well, sadly, one of the 'guys'.  I remember asking my husband to remove the blanket and see if I had soiled the bed under me. L had died. I had come home and discovered of her death. I was bleeding too much. I was unwell. I was resting, and did not have the energy to get up and check on my own. My mother had arranged a thick cotton folded sheet that was spread on the bed from my waist-down and hubby lifted the blanket to see. I had wet the sheet. He called my mother, and they together changed the sheet.  Point is, he has seen me in positions ...

M-no* came onto the balcony while I was doing laundry, and snotty-sneezed. I sent a silent Hallelujah, because I like to give medicines in tandem to the children. It's either X or Y, or both. Figlia's bowels had hung an "out of order" sign on Sunday, and she was already on medicine for it. *( No, Please don't throw your bottle from the balcony. No, Please don't throw the biscuit into the potty seat. No, Please don't hide your grapes in the laundry basket. No, Please don't shut the TV off while your sister is eagerly following an Oggy and the Co.ckroaches chase. No, Please don't dump an entire bag of diapers all over the house. No, Please don't colour Figlia's school sheets. No, Please don't eat her crayons. No, Please don't eat Figlia's nose. And no, You can't eat that bar of soap either. ) But yes, M-no's antics and our brimming medicine cabinet are not the topic for the post. DH feels ashamed of what he ha...

My mental state is very fluid currently. Not only am I not able to think straight sometimes, I also seem to be contemplating on two diametrically different courses of action most of the times. Whatever I choose to do, I want to keep my dignity intact. I do not see it as a game of winning and losing, because trust me, the loss has already been incurred.  February was not very good for M, health-wise.  M is an easier baby than Figlia in certain respects. However, with him around, I also have to don the cap of a referee, because he does not want anything except everything that Figlia is holding. Once he gets it, he will just go after the next thing Figlia is doing.  All my insecurity has swum to the surface. My awareness of my own weaknesses and imperfections has become intense.  I stopped going to the gym. I was having time issues, and I was not enjoying it. 

I am alright. I am also not alright. The worst revenge I think of is sleeping with some stranger. And I know that I am not that type. Have I considered leaving? Yes Have I left? No Do I really want to leave? No Do I think his mistake is huge? Yes Can it be forgiven? No idea Maybe I say it is huge but I don't get the gravity? I feel apologetic in pointing out what he has done. And then I wonder why I should feel shame. He feels shame. And then he gets angry. Molly is still around - which complicates matters.  

This bush that I am in. It is feral.  I have moments of absolute clarity, though the moods change often, and that changes the thought process. I feel prepared and capable of dealing with everything. Then, I just feel inadequate, ugly, incapable, insufficient, under-prepared and awful. I feel like a blob.  I am running my second periods of the year, and they have just begun. I feel like a leech, and yet there is secret glee I feel in driving home the point of how wrong things are. I let him know everytime I change my pad. He must know.  I despise myself more than I despise her and I despise him more than I despise her.  "Will things never be okay again?" I don't say but my mind chuckles at how quickly he wants normalcy to return.  

~~TMI Alert~~ - Figlia slept the Friday night tightly hugging a new bar of soap she wanted to take bath with today morning. She was happy to know that we did not steal it.  - M had a speed vomit session beginning close to midnight yesterday. Actually, it looked like he was in discomfort (though not crying) and turning out the lights we found him sitting surrounded in pools of vomit. By the time he re-slept, it was already 2:15 am. There were four rounds of vomits in total, and getting him to sleep involved an anti-emetic,  anti-pyretic and a medicine to help him sleep. DH's shoulders were aching from carrying him around.  - I had a 'consultation' - the stars, celestial bodies and works kind. The guy got it right on the nature of the crisis, pointed out the duration and inception of the current crisis, and some interesting insights on the kind of dreams I have. Nice, right?  I don't know what is more satisfying - whether to know what is ahead, or ...

I know I will come around to writing this, about this. And then I feel like I dont want to write. I want to share, but not write.  You know there are these intense movies where the protagonists always know what questions to ask, and that they always ask the most pertinent questions at the right spots. You know there are times when a person leaves, and then comes back saying that he/she felt like it, and the other person is in grave trouble and rescued by the return of the person who said that they were gone. I have been told that I had become distant in the past couple of years, That I chose to swim in and out of being connected or bothered with my relationship with the other adult in the house.  I still don't feel like I have actually digested the passing away of L. I can hardly tell you what I am doing right now.  I am reacting. I get angry at the children. I hate myself. I hate my body with some new found vengeance. Going to the gym helps getting out t...