My Lady of the Lantern

I have been having multiple issues with Blogspot for almost two months now.  I access the website from my laptop and it was working fine, till I wrote that "Cone of Silence" post. Since then, I can sign into gmail, but it always says "The webpage is not available" when I attempt to sign into blogger account.  I have tried fiddling with the settings, changing browsers, uninstalling and re-installing Chrome but the situation has not changed. If I directly feed my blog URL into the browser, it loads my blog, but the blog does not display correctly. I can visit other blogspot hosted blogs, but cannot leave a comment on any of them. It gets mad when I specifically want to leave a comment and can't get through. I have been posting from a fairly public setting since then. I find a quiet time spot in the computer lab and post my thoughts. If you have noticed, the font on every post for the last few posts is different. I rarely preview what has been posted, ...

If you recall, I told you about our early-Nov visit to my in-laws, and meeting with DH's extended family. One of the people I met was DH's uncle who has a grand-daughter P exactly six months older than Figzy. P's mum had to be admitted to the hospital with pre-term labour and eventually it became clear that the baby won't be in for long. Careful monitoring ensued and a comfortable gestation time was passed. When she was finally admitted to the hospital with contractions, it became a clear possibility that P would share her birthday with her Grandpa.  The whole family actually was hoping that it would be so, but P did not show up till the next day of her Grandpa's birthday.  Well, that uncle died recently. It was sudden and unexpected. The family was unprepared and they didn't know what hit them. He did not die of an accident or any prolonged illness. His death was swift.  Two days prior to his demise he complained of discomfort, which he attribu...

I know you are on the edge of your seat to find out how my trip was, right? It went well. It was good in some regards, but almost every day had some agenda, and I wish that I had some more downtime when I was there. My mother completely took over the feeding Figlia department, and I was able to go shopping minus Figlia, and got a haircut plus highlights at an old favourite salon. I fought with my brother on the last day, the kind where I-am-not-talking-to-you-ever verbal duel, where we kept on one-upping each other with rude words, till my mother intervened and made me shut up. Well, my ever lasted for a couple of hours, and by evening we were talking again.  As far as the travel to and fro was concerned, it was okay, and Figlia put up some fight only on our way back. My journey back was an overnight train, and my kid wanted to get out of the train, about 20 minutes after the train started. I finally convinced her that there was a large dog outside the door, and I could no...

November 28, 2013 Dear Diary, I just realized that my periods are due today. I took my supplies out, and stocked my purse with the tampons and pads.  November 30, 2013 Dear Diary, Two days up is nothing, right? December 2, 2013 Dear Diary, I have a lingering bad taste in my mouth, highly unusual. And there is a disturbance in my bowel movements.  I purchased a HPT on the way home, and could hardly wait to pee.  I peed, and there was a bright shiny single line. It's normal to keep checking the darned thing every few minutes to see if there be another line, right? I mean they have not designed the thing to shine only when held at a certain angle, right? Still checking. December 3, 2013 Dear Diary, Miraculously, there is no second line that has sprung up overnight.  My mouth on the other hand still has a bitter taste.  December 4, 2013 Dear Diary, I chewed mints through the day. I n...

There is a looming trip in the days ahead, the kind I want to take but am worked up about because it involves about 14 hours of travelling alone with an active toddler who is well, active. No, DH can't join me on any side, neither to the destination, nor will he accompany when we come back, so this could be very painful. The easiest way out is to decide on not to go, and that is the option I am strongly inclined on, but it would entail my missing out on number of things that currently appear important to me. Some family members have not met Figlia yet, and this would be a good chance for acquaintance but it is not happening if I do not go.  I am also looking into finding some route that can either cut down the travel time, or make it easier. Let's see if that happens. And then, I just spent the early half of this week alone with the kid, because DH had to unexpectedly go out of town for a couple of days. I was very nervous about it, but it has gone on smoother than...

We stopped at a grocery store on our way back from a wedding reception. We were pretty busy at the store. DH was picking stuff from his mental to-buy list. Figlia was busy picking things from our never-buy/dont-need list, and was trying out stuff with lids too. I was busy covering her tracks and cleaning the cart simultaneously. I veered towards the pastry counter, but something else stopped me in between.  I haven't seen myself in a full-length mirror the way I saw myself that evening. I was stunned to see my reflection. I have gained weight. Like, a lot. I don't need a scale, I have accommodated a whole baseball bat in my pelvis horizontally . I do have a full length mirror at home, but I have hardly needed it in a while now. I don't even comb my hair in front of a mirror. Sheesh.  I have always felt that I do not assess myself the way others assess me, and that holds true weight-wise too. But oh boy, would I like to go back to the weight when I...

I was cleaning a folder on my laptop  yesterday, when I decided to retain a couple of pictures in it. One is of L. The other one is of Figlia from the night she was released to us from the NICU, when I still had a head rush only from the fact that I had a kid and the kid was in my arms. She appears quiet, new-born kind, nestled in the nook of my left hand. Her lips look really red, and her eyes are closed.  L and Figzy look very different to me, but they definitely look sisters.  And there is something beautiful in that picture of Figzy where only she and my arm, and the print on my gown are showing. I never saw L's eyes open. She never came into my arms, and it seems that Figlia with her closed eyes and quiet rest in my arms is such an anti-thesis to the lonely pictures of my other child.  The truth is that never before yesterday had I registered the fact that I was attracted to this pic of Figlia and maybe the fact that her eyes were close...