My Lady of the Lantern

It was only after Monday's appointment that I let out a feeling. I would be 9 weeks on Thursday. It is Thursday today. I am 9 weeks. On Monday evening, Season measured 8w5d. Lag bridged and overcome! I am still adrift. The way I was soaked in CheekyBub's pregnancy is still not there. Honestly, there are moments when I am not conscious of the fact that I am pregnant. My belly has popped. I had lost all pregnancy weight, but my tummy was still a bag of fruits, and it has rejoiced in going slam-dunk again. In a few days from now, I will be off-work, but there are few things that need to be done before I leave, and so I am busy with that. Frankly, I am very excited about going on the leave and I pray I would have no reason to join before the time is up unless I want to. My appetite is wonky. But I do eat regularly. I love Java plums. And mangoes. My skin has not turned oily and I am not losing hair like I was in my previous pregnancy. And the cat is still not out of the bag...

She is pregnant. Who is? I am. I suddenly feel a little awkward. I did ICLW and I know from your posts that there is a certain *oh snap* that happens when you start reading my blog. Seriously, how fertile am I? Like 6 years for one, and then just two months for the other? Awesome really, right? I just don't know what to say really. And this post will be all back and forth and nutty too. Some of my immediate family knows. I am not coming out on FB though. Just not mentioning the 'p' word on it at all. One reason for doing it, is that I really don't see the need to ( just like last time, *cringing again* ). The other reason is I want to be able to talk to, comment and receive comments like I do. I have this awesome bloggy/FB pal who disclosed to me like way late (somewhere in March or so) that she had 'hidden' my feeds for the fear of my talking about my pregnancy. I get it, people. I know its a knife in the core. I won't talk about it there. Remaining a...

- I have atleast three posts that are not going beyond draft. One of them is a letter I wrote to CheekyBub before I found out I conceived and I can't seem to find the courage or enough yen to post it. - You know I attended a wedding recently. And at the reception, this lady asks me - 'How may children do you have?'. Mark those words. It is not about whether I have a child or not, it is about the number. I fumbled for a nanosecond before I said - 'Technically, I am a mother. But my daughter died in January'. I clunked at the last sentence I shared. I know what follows after that statement - How? ; well, I did not answer that. - Coming to marking my words, look at *my* choice of words, and the adjectives. - I finally do have something to report on the symptoms front - my perpetual pee-athon! - I also seem to lose all appetite after the food IS on my plate. I like tomatoes - gravy with tomatoes, them as salad and tomato soup. - I cringe to think - just like last...

I spoke to my Director y'day. I am taking a year off. I was in knots about whether he would permit such a thing (the long leave) plus I am not too keen on publically 'revealing' as of now. And I can't just walk to him one Thursday and say - 'Hey Dude, you won't be seeing me for a while, beginning tomorrow'. I definitely can't call him a Dude and get away with it. :-) So, I have set a date in July first week, and I would be off for the whole year (two semesters) from that date. He signed my application and when I told him about not being public with it, he said that I should hold on to the application till couple of days before I leave and then give it to the admin. He knows about when I will go, so he would not be taken by surprise. The thing is, this would be unpaid leave, but I am not too worked up about it. I can claim 90 days pay later when I join back (as promised by my Director). The only thing for which I am feeling a bit guilty is that wh...

I am in a strange land currently. One moment I was neck-deep in mourning a baby's passing, and the next instant I realized that I had been successful in forming another life inside me. What do I hold on to? That's not even the right question. It is just a big ball of neutrality generated by failure to completely swallow my new reality. I am not over the grieving. I am not ready to compromise the safety or health of this new being. This is different. I have to tell myself in-between that I am carrying. I have to remind myself. But I am already doing everything that would be expected of me to do if I was pregnant. It is yet to fully sink in that I am pregnant. Yet, I remain more conscious of the fact that this baby is likely to come in January. But January is my CheekyBub's month. I am fluid and swerving. I am observant but not relishing. I want to be able to breathe in and say I am pregnant - which I am, but I am yet to tell that to myself. There is a certain uneasines...

I can't phrase this any other way - I'm pregnant. And the realization came minus any jumping-with-joy, woohoo excitement. There was an unsettling shudder that went with it. On the night of June 8th, I was rummaging through my dressing drawer, which also well, keeps my HPTs and I looked at a pee stick from an old cycle. On it, were two lines. The second line was faint, but it was there. I looked at it and thought that maybe it was an OPK I was looking at. No, it sure was a HCG detector. The lines on my June 8, 2010 HPT had not faded yet and this one was from a very recent cycle. OMG, was this happening? I POASed a little before my May 25 AF showed up. I overlooked the second line that developed/ I failed to acknowledge the light pink other line that came. I believed I had a BFN. How could I not see? How could I not tell then that light pink was not equal to white and hence not a negative escapes me currently. Did I read the results too fast? I am not really a HPT rookie. But...

Something is up on my end. Am going away to City X for a wedding on the weekend, and I have also requested for an appointment with SuperGyn tomorrow. I would like to say what, only after I have definitive answers. I will be back on Tuesday. Please send me some positive vibes. I need them. There is an element of bizarre in this tale.