My Lady of the Lantern

As I indicated in Part III , AF has come back. I am completely fed up with the bleeding. Methergine failed. Injection Botropase failed. I started Duphaston and Primolut N and the effect was transient and the flow was back again. Finally, I got the Trenaxa and that reined in the bleeding. I was so relieved when the continuous flow got controlled. However, since last night the bleeding is back again. I took another Trenaxa (which is used only when needed) and I am hoping that the Primolut N will eventually do the trick for me. Someday when I am completely over all this, I want to remain medication-free for atleast a while. (Just as a normal heads-up, please check if my replies are landing in your Spam folder. Just came to know that it did for some of you, so just see if it has not happened to any more.)

...alive. I am alive. My mind is alive. My mind is active. And on its way of thought process, the way it is. I realized ( Part II ) that no Sorry was said in the conversation that we had. What I also realized was that I did not want the Sorry. I want them to know. That is all that I want. I have never suspected their intentions. I know it too well. But I have the right to feel bruised when cut, and broken when thrown against the wall . And that I am not out to set-right the world. I feel relieved that the Sorry never entered my mind. And that I did not feel its absence at all because that is not what I expected from speaking my mind. I want them to know. KNOW.

Part I SuperPed studied Lola's file and discussed the happenings with Dr. T (UsualCity) as well as with his own contacts. Lola was hypoxic. On the evening of 13th, I had felt her excess movements, and that was a sign that she was 'not happy' inside. The oxygen supply to her had begun diminishing. All the other things such as HDN and the ARF were terminal events. SuperPed said that there was no indication of any abnormality in her. Also, I was neither hypertensive, nor had pre-eclampsia. I am not a smoker and was not on alcohol. There was no IUGR as well. The hypoxia that set-off the chain of events that caused her demise happened in the last days of the pregnancy (and apparently 12-14 hours before the C-section). Part II The mood in the house was sombre after SuperPed left. My aunt, with her hands stuck to her knitting needles, prompted discussion on 'our feelings'. My parents said what they wanted. But I also said, in unequivocal terms about what I felt. I had sai...

There are too many things that abound around me. My aunt is here. She lives in a coastal area. I told her last year that I would bring the baby to meet her. I also wanted my kid to have a flavour of the beach. Well, that is not going to happen. My aunt is knitting something. The wool she is using is partly from the lot she had for knitting Kaiser/Lola's sweater. I think of Lola every day. On Monday I went to meet the SuperPed here in City X, and was surrounded by a sea of babies and family in the waiting area. He took me in immediately and I was crying by the time I came out. And the sea still existed. Lola should have been here for a routine visit/vaccination or whatever. Instead, she came summarized in a paper file . It hurts big time. And my ears! In UsualCity I could hear the cry of a baby coming from the adjacent building. And here in City X, there is an infant in the neighbourhood whose cry I hear now and then. It does not affect me in the sense of making me cry, but it seems...

Yes, they call it Lochia. That's a word I did not know till very recently. I am dealing with the joyful bleeding and am dealing with it well, except that it has taken its finicky terms from the rest of my temperament. From what I read and I came to know...the bleeding dims down to light pink and then yellowish in its tapering which it did. Then around 12th February, it halted pretty well. Since 16th Feb, Ms. Bright Red has made a comeback...It has some weird office routine, coz the bleeding dies in the evening and is not there in the night, and it regains its duty from morning 0700 hours again. I wonder if Aafra Fafra has made an early return or it is still Lochia taking its sweet time.

The poster of this painting hung in my hospital room. I could tell easily that this was a Raja Ravi Verma, but had no idea who the lady was and the name of that particular painting. As gorgeously exotic the painting is, I had another beautiful girl make an entrance in my life. Lola was beautiful. She had my nose and forehead. She had Birdman's eyes and his lips. And she was not born bald like I was. Her fingers were shaped just like Birdman's. Her cheeks were made for kissing. I wish I could share the image of the woman I stared at for long hours with Lola and I can't. [Image Courtesy: http://www.wikigallery.org/wiki/painting_202805/Raja-Ravi-Varma/Lady-with-Flower-Garland (Image not used for commercial purpose or for claiming any copyright on the same)]

* I submitted myself y'day for a TORCH test and a CBC...the latter just for record purpose and the former just to rule out some things. And I better not get anything on that TORCH test, because that is what will totally make my day. (My results will come in tonight) * I finally did go out for a social gathering on Monday afternoon. I cried almost twice but retained my composure. I even laughed. The laughing had to happen, because I tend to be a giggle-baiter anyways. * I am going off to City X tomorrow. I will be back on the 28th morning. On the cards is the visit to my in-laws. After that I will be spending time with my parents, and an aunt who is not in the best shape health-wise, but who will be visiting us, to meet me. I am not sure if I am ready to be consoled. This aunt revealed some family history to me (through my mother who was also not so in-touch with the information). Contrary to what I used to think, my maternal grandmother did have a very hard time (as compared to ...