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Three Parts

Part I

SuperPed studied Lola's file and discussed the happenings with Dr. T (UsualCity) as well as with his own contacts. Lola was hypoxic. On the evening of 13th, I had felt her excess movements, and that was a sign that she was 'not happy' inside. The oxygen supply to her had begun diminishing.

All the other things such as HDN and the ARF were terminal events. SuperPed said that there was no indication of any abnormality in her. Also, I was neither hypertensive, nor had pre-eclampsia. I am not a smoker and was not on alcohol. There was no IUGR as well. The hypoxia that set-off the chain of events that caused her demise happened in the last days of the pregnancy (and apparently 12-14 hours before the C-section).

Part II

The mood in the house was sombre after SuperPed left.

My aunt, with her hands stuck to her knitting needles, prompted discussion on 'our feelings'. My parents said what they wanted. But I also said, in unequivocal terms about what I felt. I had said it before. But that was only to my mother, and in a emotionally charged moment.

But yesterday was different. And I said what had hurt me so much. I do not hold Lola's death against my family. But I was anguished by the hiding that happened after it. God took her away. But my family took away the chance for me to say goodbye or atleast to the physical manifestation of her.

But it has happened.

Strangely enough, I was sitting on the sofa when I was talking and I was crying and speaking and shivering at the same time. My aunt, who is not much mush per se, came to offer her shoulder. I could not cry on the shoulder.

Part III

Got my ultrasound done today. It is the return of Aafra Faafra for me. The red riding hood is surfing on hormonal surges and that is the reason for excess bleeding. I was started on Methergine and an iron supplement for it. I am running a five day circus on-course to a nine-day show and counting.

Comments

  1. Circus Princess24 February 2011 at 19:00

    I hope the medical findings offer some sort of peace. Can't find more words of comfort, wish I could send a swarm of warm hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mrs. Gamgee24 February 2011 at 19:46

    I'm glad that you have ben able to connect with a doctor who could shed light on what happened. And that you were able to tell all your family how your feel about what happened. Both are important steps on the road to healing.

    And the return of AF *sigh*... at least you know that your body is recovering. Small comfort?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kristin24 February 2011 at 19:46

    Lots of {{{hugs}}} my friend. I'm glad you were able to talk to everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnotherDreamer24 February 2011 at 20:00

    I'm glad you were able to talk to SuperPed and your family (*HUGS*) My thoughts are with you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Heather24 February 2011 at 20:03

    It absolutely guts me that you were not given the choice to grieve in your own way. I just wish I could help.

    That said, I'm proud of you for making your voice heard---even though it was hard. You will find your voice will get stronger and stronger. xoxo

    Heather (www.thehopefulelephant.com)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dora24 February 2011 at 20:29

    What Heather said. I'm so glad you said this to your family in a setting where you were heard. Good for your Aunt for starting the discussion and the offer of her shoulder. This must feel like a never ending nightmare.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Michele24 February 2011 at 21:43

    no words, just love...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Quiet Dreams24 February 2011 at 22:31

    I'm glad you were able to say that to your family. I can only imagine how difficult that whole experience must have been. Hope your AF gets on her way soon. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lisette25 February 2011 at 03:24

    I can't imagine what you are going through. I am glad you let your family know how you feel, keep doing so. I know you want Lola here not the findings as to what happened but I hope in a way you have some peace of mind. You are always in my thoughts and prayers ((HUGS)).

    Just wanted to share this quote with you.
    Author unknown

    ♥ "No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you, after all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside." ♥

    ReplyDelete
  10. Baby Smiling In Back Seat25 February 2011 at 05:48

    I hope that your relatives have learned something from your honesty.

    Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. one-hit_wonder25 February 2011 at 08:06

    No words. XXX

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sharon25 February 2011 at 13:19

    (((hugs))) Wiseguy! I'm glad you got an opporutnity to talk and express your feelings.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Kakunaa25 February 2011 at 22:31

    Does this information from the doctor provide you with some sort of closure, the knowing that you need? I hope so. Or that it at least begins that process.

    Glad you let things out - and I don't think you, of all people, need to say you are sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  14. IF Optimist, then...26 February 2011 at 00:15

    I'm glad that you were able to let loose some of your anger, resentment and grief. I'm also glad that SuperPed had a few answers. Just sending some hugs and love to help get through each difficult day.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Fiddle125 March 2011 at 07:27

    what anguish! I'm glad you were able to express your feelings in a measured way to your family. bless you and Lola. it must feel like the entire world tilted, and then to be kept in the dark..like it spun off its axis. I'm so sorry they made the decisions they did.

    ReplyDelete

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