My Lady of the Lantern

 I have been meaning to visit the blog for a while. But I think the push was never strong enough for me to actually just do it.  As of today, I think this blog is taking a break. There were no posts in the recent past, so what changes, right? That is correct. But I have never wanted to abandon a blog without telling that I was going to abandon it. I found it irksome when some of my favourites just stopped posting one day, and then never returned. And I don't want to do the same. So as of today, I think I can safely say that I no longer feel the urge to blurb here. Before I leave, I will like to post two updates -  Figlia is ten and a half now! And M is 7.  TMI coming up: I said goodbye to my uterus in May 2022. My cycles had gone down to 28/27 days from the previous 33 days. My period ranged from 7 to 9 days. And then, in April when my periods, they never left. In that period, I had atleast three nights where I woke up having suddenly bled too heavily and onto my clo...

 ...without a post! Isn't everyone waiting for 2020 to be over? I don't think the first half of 2021 will also be the 'normal' that the world expects.  A key realization this year is that my mouth ulcers also get precipitated by anxiety/stress.  How about you? Have you learnt something new about yourself recently? M turned 6 in November, and Figlia will be 9 in January. Such a long journey.

So, schools have 'begun' for both Figlia and M. Figlia gets work on Google C.lassroom, and M gets regular assignments which he is expected to complete.  It is much better for me this way, because kids do it on their pace, and with their mother's pace. Since a few parents are now asking for classes, I am hoping that the kids do not switch to online classes, because I would be stretched to plan the availability of the apt resources for both of them to attend school virtually. I am already four weeks into teaching the new semester, and we don't have to turn up to work every day. I make it to office on 4 days on an average. Rest of the days, I engage classes from home.  Going online has increased the work required to deliver the lectures. Content, pre-reads/cases and low-stake-high-frequency quizzes are a bundle getting prepped for every lecture being taken.  WHO has recently said that the pandemic is accelerating. I can only guess why. No one can shut down...

I thought I skipped in a couple of months, but I skipped the change of year! And 2020 has been a rollercoaster on a typhoon, right? What came from bats and pangolins or was it both or neither and what spread from continent to continent, and was something I discussed as a remote instance with my students in February, is now the reason why I have been home for a couple of months now. The lockdown. I guess the pandemic is an experience that is not like any other and so universally shared and felt across the globe. Kids are home, I am home. And well, it is not a life of dire deprivation, but things that were too accessible and available before are now precious.  I have caught up on housework, home cooking, and managing class preparation for myself, and helping both kids with academic pursuits. And I have watched a lot of movies - almost every night.  I am lucky to still have a job (though with a pay cut), and that money comes into my bank account regularly. Th...

Interesting title for a post that had no title when I began composing this post. So the update first - I haz a job. I cleared the interview about which I mentioned in the last post. I was an Asso.ciate Prof at the last institution, but here I have started at entry level again. Also, my field has changed from Mar.keting to Gen.eral Man.agement. But I haz a job, and a raise over the previous packet I got. I am sorry I keep posting from the times when I am swimming in an anxiety pocket. And I am in one now DH hasn't picked up the thing he wants to pursue next. Money is a concern. My MIL is just being her. I was sick the last week. I am not happy with the kids' school. And then you have those tiny sparkles here and there that keep sparkling from the side of the extended family. They add to the scene, but are not that important.  DH keeps threatening me with getting a job - "Imma going to get a job!" . Gee, that's scary! I don't know how I will liv...

And after a few months gone, I come back again. I actually forgot about this blog, and just remembered about posting again, last week.  So here's the cutest roundup for you all... M got his boosters, last month, and this guy is done for a few years now. Figlia is due for a booster in January 2020. I am still at my parents' place, and would shift out next week. I got a job. I teach four hours at a superb college, and get paid per class. So I have started getting some money, even if my monthly packet is 25 percent of the dots I filled in my previous job. I have an interview next week. I need the job. Let's see, how it goes, and I promise I will update about it. Just pray that I update with a positive note for the job.  My country just went through with a major policy change on an area that's been in controversy for far too long. I won't comment who I support, but I pray that it does not give rise to increased terror attacks, and I think that ...

I sound like a rabid monkey these days, but practically my life is much calmer in terms of scheduling. Kids don't have school right now (they will be back there soon), and we practically sleep when we want, and wake when we want. Or atleast I don't have to wake up sharp at 5:20ish to start the school day. I am having lunch at home, and watching flicks at whim. I also re-kindled my love for the online scrabble avatar - "Words with Friends", something I had stopped because it was too busy in my previous life. I tend to play to relax, and have to be relaxed to play.  I still don't have a job, and I am waiting for interview calls actually. Sitting at home, I now realize why a few folks I know told me I was cuckoo to not hold a 'next job' before leaving my current one. At that time, it felt right. Now, the lack of income is making an impact on me. Also, I fell victim to an online phishing attack. And I lost money. It was about a month back from now. An...

It is true. I will never finally leave the blog without saying so, unless something exceptional happens. It's been momentous and turbulent so far. Feb was my last working month. I spent March with kids at home, and was able to give undivided attention to Figlia who had her final examinations then. So did M. He has improved writing-wise, but is still a long way from getting comfortable with the writing bit. Also, in one of his papers, as his teacher showed me, he refused to complete a page of his worksheet, even though he knew it, because 'he did not feel like writing anymore'.  It was in March-end that kids and I shifted here to our home city. April was admission time, and we are in May now. Kids do have school enrolments now, but I did not get the desired school. The schools I wanted were either too expensive, or had no seats for my children. So we settled for another school, more on its potential than the actuals. Let us see, how well that goes. I sti...

Last few days of coming here, to the office. I will miss the place (and the salary crediting to my account). I have no interview calls in hand now. Kids will have their term ending in March end, and we will be shifting after that. 'We' does not include husband as of now. He is bound to shift slightly later.  Frump.

I had a major anxiety attack yesterday, and it took me a lot of time to just settle down. It happened so that last week, I paid out my share of what I had promised for the land we are purchasing in the hometown. The money went poof from my salary account. And what used to read something like 7,00,000 X read in the figures of 84,000 X. I have never seen such serious dwindling in my liquid reserves.  Suddenly, the money that was always there is just not there. I can't splurge. I cringe everytime I pay for anything these days. Then, Gracy asked for some advance on Saturday.  On Monday they floated a form in the office, and I realized that Feb salary would get delayed because of the tax filing that every single person has to do. Oh God! That feeling of spending money that you don't have, is so heavy these days.  I have money in a lot of places...some into fixed deposits, some invested into the share market. It is just that I don't have the honey jar now. I w...

It's my first post of 2019, I should be adding confetti to the post. I can't!  L turned eight years today.  March/April will be a month of upheaval for the family, and right now, even though, March won't come before March, and April won't come before April, it does not prevent the anxiety cat from sitting on the windowsill already.  I will be going to my hometown jobless, with a mortgage on my name. Kids will be going to a new school that was in our consideration set and not choice set. Hubby dreams of eventually getting my in-law's house in shape, and a joint family setup, but that will be a whole lot of adjustment on its own. On the plus side, I will be putting up at my parents' place for the initial months so daily life should be easier. I have resigned already, but will be working till Feb end to say the least (and I need the money).

~~TMI Ahead~~ (Sorry, can't manage to write anything unless body fluids are involved) So, Wow! I almost wrote a positive post yesterday because, I hadn't been spotting for the last two days. But guess what happened again today? What happened when I was in the middle of a workday and felt a gush? Hello, brown spotting ! Not that I had been missing it. It can shoo away already. I came back to my cabin after a loo trip to see if any clothes were damaged. It was just the undie. I swallowed a Tren.axa. I put a newspaper on my office chair because I did not want to ruin it. I went through my day just like that. I couldn't have been happier to have come back home. I washed my underwear. I have been washing my underwear separately very frequently this month because I keep on ruining it. I brought myself some medicine that I had barely stopped taking on Monday evening. I found a bottle that's still got a year to its expiry - a tonic that I took post-pregnancy for dysfun...

~~TMI Ahead~~ Last fortnight has been a flurry of activity. We had a belated birthday party for M turning 4 on Dec 1. At that point of time, we also had guests at home. The party went well. What happened next day was unexpected. I suddenly fell very, very ill. I had the chills, and fever. The blood test next day indicated I had severe UTI, even though I did not have any of the symptoms. My fever recurred every six hours. Once I woke up at night, it would take a couple of hours for me to feel comfortable again, and it was a full seven days before I broke the fever cycle. However, what complicated matters was that I began fresh periods on De.cember 7. They came in super early given the fact that I had finished my last periods on Nove.mber 23rd itself.  This time my periods have been heavy, and though I am on CD7 today, in the morning, it felt more like CD3 than CD7.  I still feel very tired, and both my knees are aching. I still don't feel very good. It is winte...

I would never just go away from here, without telling so. If I ever just stop writing again, I will come back to still write a goodbye.  Life has been a whirlwind grindstone. I headed our flagship student event that concluded on No.vember 2, 2018. I was out of town for a week after that.  The whole task of getting to that actual event was just a lot of slogging that took up most of my working time, and some of my holidays and weekends too.  Somewhere around that time, Figlia got very sick, and had to be hospitalized for about 4 days. She is fine now.  We hired a private tutor for M. He continues to lag in writing/identifying alphabets and numbers. He has improved with his tutor, but the progress appears to have slowed down now. I am not expecting him to be an ace quickly, but would have him evaluated in case this persists.  In our future plans, we will be shifting back to our hometown early next year. 

We did go eventually, and I have already re-joined work. I was thinking the other day that life would be simple if I just sat at home, and they sent my salary home every month. But nopes, that is not how life is, is it? I worked the premise that taking one child with us for the vacation, was better than managing two, and boy, I forgot that I was leaving the reasonable one behind. M had epic tantrums through our vacation, and he sustained that behaviour even in the tailing visit.  See, I look quite alright but inside I am pot of boiling and bubbling insecurity and frustration. Gee, I can even shout when I am squabbling with my Mister. I have gone from being happy go lucky teenager to a really wound up adult, pretty angry with everyone around me. And though, there are a few good days when I am good, I am not good most days.  But I did not freak out when I realized that Figlia had li.ce in her hair. Yep! Combing and medicated shampoo, here we come! I do look at my yo...

The May-end plan for an off did not pan out.  What actually panned out was a mini-vacay plus trip to the hometown in June first week.  DH would have returned a bit early, and I would have stayed on for a couple of days. And then, work happens! Deadlines, the screaming witches of professional life, and crucial visits, inspections, reports....everyone wants to be here at work mid-June. Guess whose vacation sits precariously on the flip switch? But here's the other thing that has happened. A thought that has been swimming lazily for a while has become more prominent now. I am planning to shift to my hometown with the kids, early next year. I intend to shift as soon as their school term ends here. There is a huge list of challenges that go with that decision, and I will take that up later.  It is now firmly established that DH's business is not picking up, and he is in a professional deadlock of the stone wall kind. Maybe another post on that later. His day ...

Figlia and MIL are going to our hometown on Sunday to attend a wedding in DH's extended family. And then Figlia will go stay with my mother for a few days. My parents have already signed her up for a few activities, so she is pretty set for a good summer vacation. Today morning, M did not cry before going to school/did not have a tantrum right before boarding the school bus/did not throw all limbs in air while being forcefully pushed into the bus. Such a pleasant thing it was. M creates his own ruckus. Couple of days back, Gracy came home with colour drained off her face. Except that when she entered the front door, she did not know if she needed to yell or laugh. She had taken M with her to the Daily Needs store in our neighbourhood, and did not realize when M left the shop. When M came home, and sat with me, I had no idea that he had come back home all alone. He picked up his lollipop, and came home.  Next month, it will be DH, M and I at home. DH's entire expect...

I have been busy. And did not feel like blogging till today, so I took a mini-break in between. So many things have happened, an eye infection and fever for M; new school sessions for both the kids, MIL's cataract operation of the second eye, Gracy's season of taking too many offs (and she is on an off today as well); tantruming kids! DH is not doing well business-wise, and it is taking a toll on a lot of things.  Figlia will be gone to my mom's house in May for her summer vacations, and she is excited.  M is doing very well in a lot of spheres at school but is still not picking up writing. He is not interested at all, and even when he does attempt, nothing shows rather than vague lines falling over each other on the page. 

Figlia, who among other things has no trouble walking from the living room to our bedroom in our non-big flat, or using the loo alone, has suddenly started acting jumpy, and scared. She needs to hear, or sense the presence of a living adult to do these kind of things.  When adults (MIL plus the Nanny plus the Cleaning Lady) talk all the highfalutin about "Sigh, the house is so empty, lonely, does not feel like a house anymore, and the spirit is always with us, the body is gone, and he is looking down upon us, and he is here but we cannot see him", and there is an impressionable six year old listening to the reel playing on loop, well... Now I am gently feeding to Figlia that spirit is not a ghost, and that FIL was benevolent to her in person, and will never be anything else as a soul. And that there are no ghosts in the house.

FIL died last Monday. Keeping his wishes in mind, he was not cre.mated. There was a rush of people and things in the week past, and tonight we leave for our hometown for a couple of days to complete a few rites. Figlia and M have exams next week. I have mixed feelings about him passing away. He was in vegetative state for last six months, and despite a lot of nursing care and timely feeds and whatnot, he lost a lot of weight, and muscle mass by the end. I did not have a very linear relationship with him, and my feelings on his passing away are all over the place. My MIL will continue to remain with us, from this point on, even though she may visit the hometown at times.  I met my PhD guide a few days back, and well, there are very few people who can hit me with a bat on my face (not literally, obviously) and I still value their take. He shook me up. He made me realize a point I had completely overseen in my overall perspective towards professional and personal relation...