Flares and Busts

Needless to say it out loud, the days in house are not on an even keel. The children are getting serially sick, Figlia had tonsillitis, and now M is recovering from diarrhoea. Life is about ensuring that prescriptions are filled on time. 

I have not had any major meltdowns with him. 

But there are off and on flares, and I dig and I dig and I dig. The digs often lead to very intimate questions. And the saga of their intimacy gets to my brain every time. There are small details - tiny, sharp shards that pierce through everything core.

I have to work hard to not to bring in my natural flare for snark and sarcasm in my comments, and instead focus on asking questions and then more questions.

Revelations and Realizations are great friends, I must tell you.

I have used very colourful language recently in describing Molly...words that I am ashamed of speaking loudly, and words that don't naturally come to me when thinking of people. But God knows that I have used most of my dirty vocab already.

Sometimes, I astound myself with how calmly I am living my life - that people around me and outside hardly have any clue of the hell I feel stuck in.

I am angry, and unable to show my anger. I feel violated and defiled, and I hardly look so. 

I would not know what to say to Molly if she does appear in front of me, right this instant. I do want to slap her, but I would need a lot of mental preparedness for that. 

I laid a curse on Molly. I am no Sylvia Ganush, but my betrayed heart feels a pain quite unbeknownst to me before this experience.

A very wise thought I read on an infidelity blog said that one must leave if one wants to leave, and one must stay on, if that is what one wants, and if one is unable to decide, one must take all the time in the world to decide.