What am I doing? ...and other popular questions.

M-no* came onto the balcony while I was doing laundry, and snotty-sneezed. I sent a silent Hallelujah, because I like to give medicines in tandem to the children. It's either X or Y, or both. Figlia's bowels had hung an "out of order" sign on Sunday, and she was already on medicine for it.

*(No, Please don't throw your bottle from the balcony. No, Please don't throw the biscuit into the potty seat. No, Please don't hide your grapes in the laundry basket. No, Please don't shut the TV off while your sister is eagerly following an Oggy and the Co.ckroaches chase. No, Please don't dump an entire bag of diapers all over the house. No, Please don't colour Figlia's school sheets. No, Please don't eat her crayons. No, Please don't eat Figlia's nose. And no, You can't eat that bar of soap either.)

But yes, M-no's antics and our brimming medicine cabinet are not the topic for the post.

DH feels ashamed of what he has done. We met a lawyer (for a related topic, but not divorce/counselling), and he had one question for my hubby - "Would you accept your wife if the she did this to you?". He did answer it, but I think it was not a very convincing one. 

For one, whatever happened was what lasted for a couple of months, and since then my husband had focused on keeping the burned bush under cover. It did not help that Molly does not want to let go, and was and is still bent on "you can not leave me"(you can think and reference Fatal Attraction again).

I want to extract my husband from this. Trust me, there is more at stake than just the utopian marital bliss. 

I am in a place where everyone knows everyone, and therapy is not easy to get. God knows, I want to talk to someone. I have confided to a colleague-friend, but then it is just superficial bits. 

I have not told my family, or his family. The last thing I want is any emotional rippling at any other place but my heart. And it is not because I am very generous person who likes to keep pain with oneself, but because for eff's sake, I feel like I am still unable to completely cope with own emotions, and then don't want anyone else's emotional spillovers. Not Yet.

I have considered leaving. I anonymously posted in a forum of legal advice to see if there is some legal angles I can get on several by-products of this situation, and its consequences. 

Kmina asked in a recent post:

"what are those other women thinking when they get involved with married men, young fathers, men that by proving their love to them just prove how unworthy of trust and love they are?"

I don't have a specific answer to that question. But I do know one (young, beautiful and educated) floozy who knew a married man, knew his wife, and even attended a birthday party of the married man's rainbow child, and who waited for the wife to go away on maternity leave and then told her boss that he was such a gentleman and that she had met never someone as spectacular as him, and was available for anything he ever needed from her.

And I am not exonerating my husband. For everything that happened, HE had complete control on not letting it happen, and not taking the first few weeks of innuendos get to him or cause any ego trip. 

There are smaller emotional points that I pester him on. Most of the times, he is stumped at how such a tiny thing would matter to me? Or, he tries to tell me that my knowing the answer would hurt me more. I don't care. I have been back-stabbed, and the dagger is not coming out.

He does appear to be repentant. He is sure of not wanting Ms. Molly anymore in his life. However, as easy a trapeze it was for Ms. Molly to come into our lives, the outswing is not going to be easy one because Molly is refusing to let go.  

Then I don't want to be that woman either. Several years ago (like 15-17 years?) I was visiting an aunt who stayed near a popular beach. In that trip, we had an excursion to a nearby spot with my cousins and another family that was a friend of my aunt's. On the return trip, I sat in the back seat and twice caught the wife staring at me in the side-view mirror and then she would have a small smile every time our eyes met. I found the behaviour strange but did not mention it to anyone. I think sometime after that I came to know that the couple that went with us on the trip were in a rough spot in the marriage, as the wife had caught her husband cheating. I understood that the reason why the woman was continually observing me and staring at me was only to check if I and her hubby (who was driving the car) locking our eyes or making eye contact. 

I think she was so conscious of what had happened that every female who shared any space with her husband was under her hawk-eye. 

I don't know what happened to their marriage. I do know that today I looked twice and with suspicion when I found my husband smiling at another mum who was making her child board the same school bus as Figlia. I now understand where the creepy behaviour stemmed from. 

It is not movies we are talking here. There are lives. No matter what happens, there is scalding already.

Strong does not mean that I will pick up my bags and leave. In fact, that is the easier way out for me. 

I am not talking easy. I am talking of something deeper than a ubiquitous show of strength.