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Aryanhwy wrote about her daughter's reasoning skills in a recent post. And reading that post reminded me of what Figlia does. 

She was eating her food the other day, and said:

"In English, lotion is called like ocean".

And then one recent evening, she excited pointed at the moon, and chirped:

"See mummy, moon! Moon is like a lemon (shape)."

It is amazing to watch the little ones develop a grasp of things, and a world that seems too obvious to me as an adult. 

- - -

I have been having flashbacks from the time immediate after CBub's passing - the time that I finally found that she was gone. 

It is not very disconcerting, but I don't know what to do when it happens. I just re-live. 

I am sitting on my bed, my feet resting on the floor. I watch myself watch out of our bedroom window in the darkness of the night...the only light coming into the room is from that window. I watch myself watching the shadows of swaying eucalyptus leaves on a big white wall. I can hear city noises clearly in the still of the night. Somewhere an infant is crying, and it appears that the stillness is just magnifying everything and bringing it to me.

I watch myself sitting on the balcony for the first time since I came back from the hospital. I bend over the railing to see the source of all the chatter on the road. 

It just comes back now and then. 

Someday, I will deal with all that. Someday. I make no attempt to block my memory, but I am not able to channelize my feelings either. Nor do I feel like sharing anything I am experiencing with those around me.  

Comments

  1. areyoukiddingme26 February 2015 at 04:40

    I think re-living occasionally is necessary and unavoidable. It's a little test of our minds to see if things are a little less devastating, a tiny bit more tolerable. So, remember, grieve, share or don't share (probably share some, though, in case it's a symptom of PPD).

    I love it when little minds make big connections. They're so smart and full of wonder.

    ReplyDelete

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