My ten minutes of peace are very important to me. The last weekend has been a rush at home, and rush at work. Ten minutes of myself for myself have been tough to find.
And then I still have the Sunday anxiety. You know, that anxiety I suffer from being alone with the little task-master on Sundays?
I get worked up simply by the fact that Sunday is approaching. This anxiety has fairly eased up since Figlia grew up, and is far lesser now, but it still kinks me.
Saturday evening was my SIL's baby shower (she is on a different continent), and there was a stream of images on Whats.ap.p and other spaces. I am happy for her. I am happy for my brother.
She commented that she felt like a queen thanks to her friends.
And I can tell you (and I hate to acknowledge this), that I felt very jealous. I had a baby shower when I was pregnant the first time around. I did not want it the second time around. And currently, I hadn't thought about it till it happened for my SIL. No one has asked me about it either.
And so, I feel awful - for no one bothering to ask, and the fact that I wouldn't agree if someone asked simply because I am too scared of jinxing anything.
I am ridiculous.
*hug*
ReplyDeleteMy cousin's wife was due three weeks after me; she got thrown a huge shower with favors, games, all the family -- even my aunt from New York made it! -- and I didn't get anything, because I was an ocean away. I cried when I saw all the pictures of my family together...celebrating _her_ and not (also) me.
I poured my heart out on LJ in a locked post, and very sweetly one of my expat friends took it into her hands to organize a shower for me at the next event we were both out. There were presents and cake, and it was a wonderfully sweet thing, but it wasn't quite the same, and I still wish that someone in my family had even said "I'm sorry you were too far away for us to throw a shower for you."
Oh, dear... I wish things were less complicated for you.
ReplyDeleteSo, mostly you're jealous of her ability to be carefree about having a take-home baby at the end of the pregnancy road? Who isn't? Perfectly natural. And you're irritated with your family for treating you like you're not normal? Also perfectly natural. Conflicting feelings can't be avoided.
ReplyDeleteOne thing you could do is throw yourself (or have a family member do it) a post-birth shower, where people get to come over for 2 hours, meet the baby, give you presents, and go away for several months while you adjust to having a new baby. It works on many levels - you get the shower you're afraid to jinx yourself with. Everyone gets to meet the baby, but they all come at once instead of trickling in when you don't feel like entertaining.