A close friend who has been with me for two decades now and is currently living in another country, has been telling me in unambiguous terms that I must re-consider the decision to want another child. She's raising two kids herself and finds herself terribly challenged. In her "outsider looking in" world, she thinks that I must not think of another child till I can muster more support at home for taking care of the new kid and me.
When she speaks to me, her reasoning seems logical to me, but I have found that her words do not extinguish the baby fever in me at all.
I have always stopped short of asking her if she is sorry for her younger kid, or whether she would like to undo her birth. But I know that her concern is not out of spite but rather from 'concern' itself. She is a SAHM and is constantly dazzled by the fact that I am working full time and still raising my child. But she thinks that another child is not an addition but a multiplication, and she has had a very hard time. I understand her pain, and I can see that I am about to go stretchy rubber-band if I have another kid, but I don't want to heed to her advice.
It isn't like that my wanting another child will be directly proportional to my fertility jackpot luck, right?
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There's a lot of ritual that goes with the death of an adult. The absence is duly noted. Anniversaries are marked. People observe those days and condolences are duly extended out of love, or acquaintance or as a matter of protocol.
Not one word was spoken about her birth or death anniversary. No one spoke a word.
No one said, "It's her birthday today". And I couldn't even get away without noticing that 13th Feb was supposed to be my EDD with her. That she was supposed to be born around this time, and I didn't know any better.
For me, having 2 hasn't been all that much harder than having 1 -- and I can see how once the baby is older, it will actually be easier in some ways because they will be able to entertain each other. I wonder sometimes if having more kids is actually harder on SAHMs because they don't get a break. While I'm NOT excited about going back to work when H is 8w old, it will also be nice to get breaks from the kids to rejuvenate my parenting when I am with them full time 3d/week!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry nobody mentioned/acknowledge the anniversary of your daughter's death. That's sad. :(
I, too, am sorry for the silence surrounding your daughter's death. Mostly, I think people forget and lack knowing what to say for fear of making you sad. That's no excuse.
ReplyDeleteI am the only SAHM with 2 kids that I know. Everyone that I know that has two or more kids is a full-time (or part-time) work outside the home mother (and I know a couple that are single, too). The age spread is one of if not the most significant factor in determining how hard it is going to be and for how long. Baby G is almost 14 months and there are almost 5 yrs 9 mos between him and his older brother. The first year was hard, especially with my PPD, but not SO hard that I ever regretted having him or wondered what I was thinking in wanting two kids. And now, with each milestone, things are abundantly easier.
No one else knows what you are capable of but you. We have no family help and only one paid occasional sitter. Do I wish that that were different? That someone could take our sons so we could have alone time at our house or even an overnight get away? Yes, I do, but that is not the case, it wasn't going to be the case when I was driven to have two kids and we manage (and I mean thrive).
People love to generalise. I do it too, more often than I would like.
ReplyDeleteI will not lie, it is not easy having two small children, and little to no help, except for your husband. But you make it through. Days go by, some good, some bad, I berate myself for being such a short tempered mother, and then when I catch the boys chewing blackberries and spitting them out for a laugh, staining their clothes, I lose my temper in a jiffy. But I have never regretted anything. I regret not having family who can appreciate my boys near, but that is not meant to be. I am so happy to have made it out of the baby fog, and now everything is so much better, they sleep better, I can have time for myself in the evening, not always, but more often than before. The boys have finally started playing with each other, not against or in parallel, they are pulling their weight for the team mischief, and they are so good at leaving me speechless.
If anything, I have loads more respect and understanding for other parents, my own, the single ones, those dealing with their own or their children medicsl problems. I enjoy a good moan about having no help but my husband and how difficult it is to raise children as I would have liked. Bt at the end of the day, I never think that we should have waited more.
And for the record, even if I know in my head and in my heart that there will be no other baby, that we are done, I doubt I will ever be able to feel just a simple emotion when hearing a pregnancy announcement. Perhaps because I know what that means, how it is, especially the first time. I have two friends who are pregnant, and it amazes me how I am both envious of and happy I am not them. Apart the inital feeling of being happy for them, because they deserve it, they have waited a long time, and they are dear friends. But right behind that feeling, I was so jealous of their chance of doing it for the first time, and so happy I am not the one going through the sleep deprivation and the being tied to a rigurous schedule again. Maybe it will mitigate in time, but I am reluctant to bet too much on that happening any time soon.
You remember. We remember. Your first daughter, she is missed and loved. Hugs.
So sorry no one mentioned your daughter. Many hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteher reasoning seems logical to me, but I have found that her words do not extinguish the baby fever in me at all.
ReplyDeleteBecause when did anyone _ever_ decide on whether or not to have a baby on purely logical reasons alone?!
Part of me thinks having two would -- eventually -- be easier, since they'd be able to entertain each other. Once I hit age 6 or so, I remember my sister and I, and all the neighbor kids, being involved in long (as in all-summer-months-long), drawn out make-believe stories. It would've been hard to coordinate this with just one of us.
But you've read my recent post with all the reasons why I sort of dread the idea of having another infant. Logistically, it would be more difficult also having an older child at the same time.
Good luck as you work through all the factors, logical and emotional, towards resolution.
There are many considerations for and against having another child. But it comes down to what you and your husband want, and no one else's logic will trump that. I would have had another if possible, no matter how challenging it would have been. It would have been worth it to me. People manage. Some even enjoy it.
ReplyDeleteSorry that the rituals of death aren't observed for your firstborn. (Give people a small break, though - her circle of acquaintances was small. And here, I'm hesitant to write a random comment for fear that it might be a trigger. Although I shouldn't worry, as saying the wrong thing at the wrong time is my particular talent.)