I have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I sometimes have a fleeting feeling that there won't be any child after Figzy, and that my womb has gone back to its barren persona.
When I am in the grip of that sensation, I feel awful. When I am coming out of that sensation, I feel relief that it indicates at the fact that Figlia is growing up every day and getting over all the small-infant/toddler challenges, and that life can become less overwhelming, and that if I don't have another child, I am no longer having to go through this again. But then, this relief is not a persistent thought, so yours truly sinks back to hoping for another pregnancy.
I again had a bumpy ride with my sleep. I think I have mentioned it before when it happened, and it's happening again. Once my sleep is broken, I have trouble going back to sleep. I don't want to leave my bed, and I just want to sleep, and the sheep can please go floss their own teeth. But when that episode happens, I hate it because I get up not feeling too fresh.
I have never had trouble with sleeping. I slept very well even through my pregnancies.
And then I realized that my father also had a long battle with insomnia. For years, he popped sleeping pills to go to bed, and it was very important to him to sleep just as the first wave of sleep hit, or he would lose it. Eventually, he did away with the pills. He decided to not push it, he slept when he felt like, and mostly at the first wave that hit him. And he stopped fretting when he did not consistently sleep through the night.
Even now my father often wakes up in the middle of the night and then ransacks the refrigerator and twists the TV's ears.
Am I becoming my father?
I am not as afraid of me turning into my parents as I am afraid of my husband turning into his parents.
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I wake up so frequently through the night. It's annoying, but I guess I've just gotten used to it. It's also usually just for a short time, and I go right back to sleep. But it seems wrong to look at the clock every morning at 3:20. Why?
ReplyDeleteThat second child thing - it's a whole new set of contradictions and worries.
I wouldn't worry too much about your husband becoming his parents - he's got you to give him course corrections. :)
That last line made me laugh and I read it out loud to my husband :-)
ReplyDeleteI've been having insomnia too.
I have been reading a lot of posts talking about 'the ache' of wanting another baby, even when family building is truly very over and done with. I know we are done, yet the ache is present. Of course, it is different for everybody. I hope you find out soon enough which way it is for you, either you get to have another baby or you find your peace with not having any more babies. Soon is such a wide variable though, be warned.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. May we preseve only the best features from our parents. Even though we may not be the best of judged of neither our parents, nor ourselves.
Insomnia sometimes makes me nuts. Or often. Yes, often. I think a lot of mine is directly related to my work schedule. I have a hard time sleeping at night and usually sleep better in the day as long as I'm not interrupted. Like your dad I've mostly given up on fighting it. Once in a while I try to force myself to conform to a set schedule but usually just sleep when I'm tired.
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