I look at your picture, and sometimes, like it just did right about now, my heart twists at those eyes tight shut. I wish I saw you with your eyes open. How were they?
Lola had a cardiac arrest on Jan 16, 2011 which she did not survive. I was kept in the dark.
The cruelty of having to live with unaswered questions like this... Hugs, dear, so many hugs.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
ReplyDeleteXXOO
ReplyDelete(*HUGS*)
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you.
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{{{{St E}}}}}}}}}}}
ReplyDeleteThey were beautiful, of course. But that's not enough...
ReplyDelete((((Hugs))))
ReplyDeleteSending love
ReplyDeleteI wish you did, too...
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I suppose this is a good place for my first comment. I came here by way of your comment to my blog and via ICLW. I have spent the better part of 5 hours reading your blog, even though I am a mother of two, one of which is an infant. Good thing my husband came home when he did. Ironic he hasn't asked me what I am doing.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many things I want to say, yet words seem so inadequate. I read months and months of posts re: Kaiser/Lola which were both beautiful and gut-wrenchingly painful. I cannot fathom not being told and then I cannot fathom living with not being told, and more than both I cannot fathom losing a baby two days post birth.
I know so much has happened inbetwixt, but here, just in this post, in the now, she is with you.
Your father was right, she did make you a mother and she will always be your firstborn.
Even though it may seem trite to say, I have so much admiration for you. I know it seems that you had little choice, you woke up with the dawn of every day past your knowing on 1/22/11. But it seems to me you did have a choice. You could have opted out of this life altogether, or you could have abandoned those who withheld THE most important information from you. But, you didn't. You LIVED.
I must go to bed but I can assure you you and all that I have read here will not be far from my thoughts for days to come.