Torture.
Ah Facebook - that intense medium that lets you 'visit' people you won't actually visit in the next two decades. I hopped on to a profile from the friend list of a girl I know from childhood. She is supposed to be a long distance relative, and while growing up we were in the same city, so we met on occasion.
She has two children. She looks great. Her kids look grown up. And her daughter has the same name as CBub. The name bit I had discovered a year back or so, I just hopped on to see if there were any new bits,. She is not on my friend list, but her pics are open to public.
Beautiful children. Two beautiful children. The kind of children whose arrival was perfectly planned and perfectly delivered. And two too.
I should not go to those profiles. I do. And self-inflict a lot of uncomfortable thought cycle.
- - -
A girl in the neighbourhood, not yet an adolescent has the same name as CBub. (I can promise that CBub's name is not that common really).
When her friends call her name, it sends a tingle down my spine.
To just hear the name is beautiful.
- - -
"And you know I am going to be 34 this year, so I needed to have the baby as soon as possible".
So there are people who tell the world that they will have a baby before 34 years old, and they do. The lady is expecting her second kid in July, just a couple of months before she turns 34.
And then she told me something to the effect of 34 years as being old to have children. This she told me when she has a five year old already, and is having a second baby who is perfectly timed.
And she told me this knowing my history, and that as much as I tried, and for as long as I tried, I just managed one living child at the ripe young age of 34 which is her definition of old.
So why would one rub salt on a tender nerve, knowing what a tender thing it is for the other person?
And why would the other continue to be a patient listener?
Because some people are so busy with themselves that even though they know your story, they have no idea what it does to you when they say those kind of things. I've met people like that too, and I've always listened politely even though I wanted to plant my fist between their eyes.
ReplyDeleteI didn't even have my first child yet when I was 34...
I recognize that self-inflicted torture habit of looking at fb profiles of former classmates etc with their perfectly planned families (and I do realize that when people look me up - even though there's not much to see for non-friends - they might think the same thing...).
I had my first child at 37. I can't remember if I was pregnant or if I had just had her, when my husband's idiot brother-in-law (there are a couple of those, actually) said "I think people should have kids before they're 28 - otherwise they're too old to play with the kids."
ReplyDeletePeople rub salt in the wounds because they're clueless and self-involved. You can continue to be a patient listener, or you can do what I did...give them a meaningful look and say "Really?" And then you can enjoy watching them squirm at their thoughtlessness.
Ditto what LIT said -- some people are so self-absorbed they know not what their words do.
ReplyDeleteGah.
Anyway, I wish I could say Cbub's name to you a few times -- enough for you to extract the beauty but not go overboard. I know her name is beautiful, because it came from you.
Hugs to you, my friend.
Gah, some people have their heads stuck you know where. Sorry you had to deal with that insensitivity.
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel you on FB. I hid people, but still go back and lurk and torture myself sometimes. My list has been weeded down so much over the years, but it's still hard even with the limited few.
I am so guilty of the "34" thing, though for me it's "35". But honestly, there are a lot of people who haven't even started trying at that point - my sister, for example. There's no hard and fast age limit of "too old" until you've gone through menopause. Women in their late 40's have first children even! Don't let anyone make you feel different just because you're at some magical age.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the FB thing. I remember stumbling across an old friend on someone else's friend list. Turns out she is now married to the guy I really liked that she professed to dislike and they have a child together.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the facebook thing too. And I agree, she was probably so self absorbed she didn't even realize what was coming from her mouth. Ugh.
ReplyDelete