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Blow Dash, Dash Feet

I am having bouts of cold feet on the rinse-repeat of TTC again. 

Bouts because, some moments, I am absolutely sure I want to do this and that I am up for it. Some moments I wonder if I am on some sort of fake high, and that once I become pregnant, I will end up wondering why I did this. 

There is a big range of questions racing through my veins:

Q1. Will I be able to be as consistent about my efforts in TTC, as I was in the last two times?
                a) Pertinent because my nature makes me lax if I already reasonably have what I want.
             
Q2. How many cycles would it take for me to succeed?
                a) Who can answer this?
                b) I am pretty sure of when I am going to skip this TTC trek. So, will it make me madder and madder if I keep getting close to the deadline, and not achieve success? 
Q3. Why do I want to do this anyway? 
Q4. Will I be able to do justice to myself, and Figlia during my next pregnancy and when the baby arrives? 
Q5. Am I ready to wring myself in the bleeding hell I always find myself in after the pregnancy ends? 
Q6. Knowing that both CBub and Figlia went into distress much before I was actually due, and that there is no innocence about when to give birth, do I want to put my baby through the same circle of fire? 
Q7. Why do I want to spend another year in sleep deprivation when things are already getting better and Figlia is getting more and more independent? 
Q8. Am I up for disrupting my professional life again? 
Q9. Will the left-behind feeling ever leave me? 
Q10. What will make me happier - another baby, or just pressing skip and enjoying my life more with what I have achieved? 

I have been having dreams of pregnancy and pregnant women. I keep waking up early hours of the morning, and have difficulty in going back to sleep. I hate it. I begged to be able to sleep. And now, when I get the opportunity, I have my eyeballs rolling on the disco behind closed eyelids. 

Comments

  1. Delenn7 March 2013 at 17:09

    Tough questions, with no real answers. I hope you and your husband discuss these concerns.

    ReplyDelete
  2. areyoukiddingme7 March 2013 at 20:49

    It's a very scary thing, isn't it? I wish I could say that everything will be just fine, but we all know that's not necessarily true. However, you are strong enough to face up to your fears, and deal with them. Whether that means changing your mind entirely, deferring the decision, or forging ahead.

    I think second thoughts and cold feet are good things, in a way - at least you are absolutely certain that you've considered all aspects of your decision.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mrs. Gamgee8 March 2013 at 01:54

    These are only questions you can answer, my friend, and you may never actually have the answers. I am a big believer in trusting your gut. If you're having second thoughts or cold feet, maybe there's a reason. Whatever you decide, you will make the best of it... I have no doubt about that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stacie8 March 2013 at 02:33

    Many hugs, my friend. All I can say is that it is hard to determine what drives the questions--fear of the unknown or satisfaction with the place you're in now. If it's fear, then it is a natural reaction to change, so you just have to roll with it while you journey forth.

    ReplyDelete
  5. battynurse8 March 2013 at 07:17

    Hoping you can find some peace with whatever you decide. Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. K12 March 2013 at 10:29

    I went through all of this, and then one day, I was ready. If you would have told me what this IVF cycle would have looked like going into it, I never would have believed it. I held space for it, in my new yoga teacher graduate way, and it has blossomed beautifully. Beta is Friday, and dare I say, things look good. I am wondering if they may even look TWICE as good. Oh!

    I wish you congratulations on Figlia and peace on what may come. ♥ Glad to see you are doing well.

    ReplyDelete

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