I saw a pigeon fallen still on the pavement skirting the boundary wall of our compound. The rush of sadness I felt does not compare to the nothing I felt on hearing the passing away of a colleague's father. I attended the official condolence. I maintained the somber mood of the gathering, but I just did not experience the instantaneous glum I experienced when I saw the lifeless pigeon today.
I have my reservations about this colleague. Is it too cruel of me to not be affected by her father's death? I feel bad about not feeling bad enough.
No one convened a meeting when my child passed away. No one skipped their cabins and gathered to mourn the death of a human being. The board room did not turn into a gathering of ashen faces - real and put-on, to acknowledge the child gone.
Some of my colleagues knew about her death before I did.
Some memories just get roused.
---
It looked like this in
2008
"This cycle, an IUI is being planned. So, first the artifical means of getting pregnant and then waiting for the periods and the depression of bleeding through. For me, it is not the possibility of not having children that is scary, but the thought of being incapable of it that is scarier.
Will see what comes through...."
2009
"I had left 'Fear of Flying' half-read when I left for the February trip. And I completed it only once I got back. From the trip, I brough back a black stone - shiv ling for myself. The stone looks like an egg really, absolutely smooth and does not roll around even though it appears to be so. Anyways, on a quirk I placed the stone on the front cover of Erica Jong's Fear of Flying. I wonder if this will get categorized into blasphemy, but I was looking at the common connect here. You see, Shiva is represented as the human phallus, and Jong's book was on sexual expression."
2010
"I lived through whatever came through. That cycle was a BFN, and so was every other cycle. If King Bruce's spider had fallen that many number of times, would he still have climbed back again?
It is my second blogsoversary today. Can't really think of what to make of it."
2011
"I did not need any thing that had been bought for the baby or made for the baby. Not the bibs. Not the caps. Not the cloth diapers. Not the blankets. Not the towels. Not the quilt (which my aunt made, and thankfully did not show me after the event). Not the bedding. Not the first toys for her.
Nothing.
It's all there. Except the baby.
I don't have to fuss over the baby because there is no baby."
2012
"The baby turning over, crawling, grasping at things, putting stuff in the mouth, learning to stand, and walk and run, and there would be new things to deal with. So I might think her position is so awesome as compared to mine, she also has worries that I don't have right now."
2013
"I have nothing in the previous posts to quote. I am delving on TTC again. I am half-sure on being hundred percent sure. But the want-it half is stronger than the doubting half."
Fifth Blogoversary today.
Happy 5th Blogoversary.
ReplyDeleteHappy 5th blogoversary!!!
ReplyDeleteLayers, strata. You write so beautifully.
ReplyDeleteHappy Five!
ReplyDelete5 years! That's a lot of writing. I like 2012 the best...
ReplyDeleteIt's interested to travel through time this way, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteHappy happy blogoversary!
I wish you to never have a sad blogoversary again.
ReplyDeleteThe occasional pause to look back over the road travelled does one good. It gives perspective and allows us to see just how far we have journeyed. And it bolsters us to move forward, into the unknown.
ReplyDeleteHappy blogoversary, my friend!
Happy blogoversary!
ReplyDeleteI can understand how difficult it would be trying to sympathize with them and recognizing how different everything is handled in contrast (*hugs*)
Happy 5th blogoversary! You have been through so much. I hope nothing in your future is as bad as it already was.
ReplyDeleteAs is already was in 2011. Sorry, got freezed out again. Hope you're well.
ReplyDeleteHappy blogoversary. I can understand the ambivalent feelings about your colleagues father passing.
ReplyDeleteHappy belated 5th blogoversary!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to add that my not feeling bad at that point has got nothing to do with what did not happen in the office when my baby passed away. We colour our episodes with the people we route them through. I did, however, later on attend his last prayer meeting, and totally on volition too. I do have a heart.
ReplyDelete