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Not So Random

Figlia's boils settled down overnight. The antibiotics worked! 

- - - 

I can feel a general difference in a lot of things from last year. Maybe, its because DH is currently not going to gym in the morning. Maybe because Figlia is far more independent than last year. 

But I feel a difference. And the difference is good.

My concerns haven't died. They are of a new shape, but yes, they are different to what they were earlier.

- - -

I have decided to persist with attempting to clean them teeth everyday. I am hoping that I will finally ace why they say that patience is born from motherhood. 

- - -

I am not saying I am TTC. I am not. I am not any close to conception as close I am to preventing. Which means that I am not preventing, but I am not in any proton orbit that leads to conception.

But I feel okay with not having more children. But I want to have a sibling for Figlia.

I want to catch a couple of years before I make a full decision on trying again. I also think it would be wonderful to have a baby and raise the other one while sleep-deprivation is still a freshly accepted phenomenon for me.

For years, I kept on calculating and comparing with my reference groups the age of the parent versus years/months of TTC versus age of the child. Now, I seem to be aware of how quickly and at what age they finished adding to the family. I talk to people who decided to have a second child quickly after their first, and the logic they have for it. And I talk to people who waited a good long time before adding to their family, and their reason for it. They all make sense, most of the time. 

The blot of infertility is on my medical file. And you wouldn't believe it, but I am actually growing older and older every year. In fact, if I conceived today and went to SuperGyn, she would label me under AMA. It bites, a bit. 

I am not sure that if I waited, would IF interfere with my ability to conceive? I am definitely sure that I would not want to hasten the process of trying just because I am gambling on the IF angle. 

Long story short, I have no idea what I want, and what is correct. Or whether it is okay for me to not have another kid. I am also not sure that if I tried and failed, will my 'last outcome' take away the satisfaction of the preceding outcome. Ultimately, the value of a variable is that of the last outcome it has.

Comments

  1. Anonymous7 February 2013 at 16:22

    I am hoping that I will finally ace why they say that patience is born from motherhood.

    If that's true, maybe there's hope for me yet!

    Patience has never been a virtue that anyone has ever accused me of having.

    ReplyDelete
  2. areyoukiddingme7 February 2013 at 19:27

    Might as well get used to the eternal teeth cleaning. It's your job for the next 5 years or so.

    There is no correct in life, and what you want probably varies from day to day. The unfortunate part is that time works against you, so there's always this overhanging dread of having to make a decision now. Sigh - no way to get around that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. lostintranslation7 February 2013 at 19:50

    I don't think there is ever a correct way... You make choices, sometimes based on long reflections, sometimes out of the blue, and sometimes life makes choices for you...

    I keep coming back in my head to the prompt you wrote a while ago, about 'how many children'. I'm about 99% sure that 2 is my number. And then the other day I suddenly longed for being pregnant again, for having a newborn on my chest. But the thought of everything else that comes with having a 3rd child (let alone the question if I would be able to conceive again) scares the hell out of me.

    After a few days of staying home with two sick kids with a big work project looming in the background, I almost lost it the other day and hubby accused me of becoming hysterical. I think one of my next blog posts will be titled "the mother I don't want to be (but I am)" or something similar...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mina8 February 2013 at 16:45

    I am glad to hear Figlia is better.
    Ad for the last part of your post, it is never easy, and it is never simple. And the answer changes every other day. You will realise what is the path for you. And take steps. And see where it leads you. The beauty it is you can always decide tomorrow. The ugliness is that tomorrow may say NO. I hope you are happy no matter which path you take.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Stacie9 February 2013 at 12:55

    Ah yes. This is the time when a crystal ball would be a great thing to have. That unknown gets me every time. Sigh.

    Such heavy decisions to make. I am sending you light and love as you think about what will be best for you and your family. Many hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  6. reba alice10 February 2013 at 00:52

    I don't think there is a right or wrong choice in this decision. Especially because all you can decide is if it is what you want (either to have another or not to). Once you decide, and sometimes in spite of what you decide, the remainder of the choice is no longer yours (and maybe, it never was to begin with). Whether or not this is comforting is also for you to decide. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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