I find that just the time of the day, and being unable to write things when I want to, and then scheduling the writing for later completely changes the post that was till-then so clear and obvious in my mind.
This time, I am actually writing this a few days after the thought of jotting this down has actually hit me.
I am glad to have chosen the theme that I chose for myself this year. 'Kindness' is a not a New Year's Resolution. I do not like New Year Resolutions. It's just that I want to be aware of that word throughout before I lash react anytime this year.
I have always been short-tempered. And my face gives away far too fast for my own comfort. The problem with being a short-fuse is that the burst singes not just the other person, but myself too. I was quite in control for a lot of years in between, but I see my old weakness rising up again.
This time is too precious, several things are too fragile and I do not want to end up fracturing things that I do not want to fracture.
We are almost good friends with the doctor at whose hospital Figlia was hospitalized due to her December ailment. He is more of DH's buddy than mine. But yeah, I do get to speak to him because number of times, I take Figlia alone for her vaccinations/visits to him.
So, the evening when we were at the hospital, I sort of shared some of the things DH and I are dealing with currently. He was pretty frank with his counselling, and asked me to keep patience because things were not easy on DH. DH participated in the conversation, atleast I assumed so.
Days later, DH told me something that indicated that he did not like the fact that I spoke out. It did not matter to him that the doctor was more on his side of the story than mine. It did not matter that their friendship had the doctor cued in sharper to his angst than mine.
Lesson learnt. I am not going to 'assume'.
And I need kindness - for myself and him.
Some of his side of the family is driving me nuts. Without narrating the specifics, I just want to say that while they are no help, they do not let go of the right to claim stake on Figlia. Of course, she is theirs too. But.
They are clued out of reality. They refuse to cooperate unless their terms are followed to the tee, and they have problems but no solutions to offer. Discussion is not allowed unless it is my-mouth-and-your-ears kind. That ear-mouth equation cannot be reversed - at any cost.
As far as raising Figlia is concerned, they are not worried about a fever that chalks 104 degree on the thermometer, but worried about what values she will be raised with. They are floating somewhere in LaLaland when I need them down here.
If they achieve what they are forcing us to do, I am going to be very unhappy.
And so I need kindness - for myself and him.
Figlia will go back to daycare from tomorrow. She has been out of that place for almost a month now. And she had stranger anxiety set in right around December-end. I am hoping it won't be too painful for her to go back and adjust to that life. It is almost like she would be there for the first time.
Ugh, I'm sorry. I know what it's like to have your in-laws trying to dictate things. My husband's family is a matriarchal one and their culture is as well. His aunt brought over her siblings one by one years ago with their families and everyone seems to bow down to her and do whatever she asks. My in-laws do whatever she says and expects us to as well. I refuse to and in recent years, DH doesn't feel the need to either unless he wants to do whatever it is she expects us to do. My mother-in-law thinks she can just tell us when to have Charlie's birthday party without any notice, how many people she will be bringing with her for holiday dinner at our house instead of asking if it would be ok to bring said people, etc. I just do what I want. She got to raise her family and run it how she wanted, now her turn is over. I know it doesn't make it easy between you and DH. Families are hard. My DH never spoke up to his parents or seemed to have a backbone until last year. That's 9 years I've sat by waiting and asking why their wishes mattered so much more than ours when it came to our family. Ie seen him speak up three times since then. And if he doesn't, I try as diplomatically as I can to do it myself as I feel I walk a fine line. Hugs to you, I know how hard it is.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I never liked is dealing with private things in public. My husband still wakes up spaking in public about stuff that I find private and it really bothers me. I try not to make a mess, but I am more of an open book than not. I cannot change, despite my attempts. Perhaps your husband is the same. My husband does not want to do this on purpose, it just happens that I have a more comprehensive understanding of private than he. :-)
ReplyDeleteAs for family - try to let things that do not really touch you go by, like water on the duck's back.
Like water OFF a duck's back. (good thing I didn't do the typo with i instead of u in duck...)
ReplyDeleteSo, as long as it doesn't affect Figlia, let it slide. When she is concerned, you are the decisive factor. Not anyone else. You and your husband decide what is good for her, morally, spiritually and physically. Until she can have a say in it herself, that is. Until then, others can suggest, but you decide. They don't have to know that if it creates problems, as long as YOU know. :-)
Oh, how my husband hates it when I air grievances in a public forum! He is all about appearances, and he does not want to appear to have any problems, issues, or weaknesses. Doesn't matter who's there. No one should know anything about him, unless he chooses to share. It's frustrating, because I'm a fairly open person.
ReplyDeleteAs to the in-laws - ever a frustration for anyone, I think. Mina is right - you're Figlia's parents, you make the decisions for her welfare. Everything else is just noise. However, people will always chime in with their unwanted opinions. You can either choose to go with the flow and go along with them, or you can firmly and politely refuse to do or listen to anything they say. If you do the first, they will either like you for it or deem you a pushover not worthy of respect. If you do the second, you'll be a controlling horrible person. Since 3/4 of the odds put it at them not liking you very well, I say go ahead and do what you like. :) What I try to do is tell my husband that they're his family and he needs to deal with them. His way of dealing with them is to ignore them and so they come to me. It doesn't really work out that well.
Glad to hear Figlia is healthy enough to return to daycare. I'm sure she'll remember that it's not a strange place full of unfamiliar people, and she'll be just fine.
Praying for peace of mind and heart. Kindness is a wonderful goal to strive for.
ReplyDeleteSo very glad to hear that the wonderous Figlia is healthy enough for daycare again.