Does the lack of posts for the fag end of December appear eerie?
Things have happened since I last posted here. What appeared to be a zit, snowballed into glute@l cellulitis for Figlia, necessitating hospitalization, and I&D under Gener@l Anaesthesi@ for the then-11 month old....
All I wanted was to gradually slip off the weeks, and watch dates melting to her birthday, but life has been wrapped up tight and bumpy since Week 47.
I have waited deliberately before posting anything about it here, and I now feel calm enough to say anything on it. I would not have been able to keep my emotions in check before, but I am calm now.
The fallout is/was that with my consent and active desire, Figlia is now with her maternal grandmother, and I couldn't have decided better. She still needs care, and I cannot leave her at daycare till she is healed 100 percent.
It has been strange and weird to not have her around me on a daily basis. I used to be the one who would hold the phone while she babbled off to others, and now I hear my daughter on the phone through multiple calls in the day.
She will be back here right before her first birthday, and I am still processing the separation.
The thought of leaving my job has occurred to me. I have celebrated a whole night of sleep, which was dotted with dreams of her. I have gone out in the evenings for social dos. I have watched a movie of my choice in the meanwhile. I have caught on with pending things. I and DH have attempted to reconnect in ways unlike when she was here. I brought a journal for myself.
I have, for her entire first year, written her diary every single day. I always planned to end that journal on 11-J@n-2013. But in December, I decided to not just end her diary, but to begin a daily journal for myself - even if it meant writing just two words.
I have bought that journal.
I feel relief at the care she is receiving. I miss her, and know that she won't be away for long. I am using this brief break to catch my breath.
I am hoping to never end up feeling lonely the way I felt when she was sick and I was alone with a baby delirious with fever, or rushing to doctors, or knowing that the infection was spreading and could not be contained unless she was put on IV antibiotics. I have felt very lonely. I don't want to expand on that.
Oh, what a way to start the new year! I hope Figlia feels better and comes home soon. So sorry you're having to go through this.
ReplyDeletePoor Figlia! How very, very scary. I am so glad she is on the mend. Many hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteOh, wow, that sounds so hard! I can't even imagine. I'm glad that she's doing better and that your mother can care for her. But I hope you're reunited soon.
ReplyDelete(Grr, OpenID hasn't been working for the last few days.)
I'm glad that she's on the mend and out of the hospital. I'm also glad that you've found some good ways to find yourself and your relationship with your husband again. It's hard but important. Hope she's home with you soon! Hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteOh no! Poor baby - and poor you. That must have been awful. I'm happy that your mom was free to take her for her recovery.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to have some time to take a breath. Of course you miss her, but kids are draining. You need a chance to recharge...especially after the trauma of having your little girl need anesthesia.
My god! How awful! It is good to hear she is on the mend and that your mother can take care of her. Many hugs to you, dear friend. I hope you are kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about the infection with Figlia but I'm glad she is on the mend and that there are those who can help with her care. Take care of yourself as well.
ReplyDeleteomg how scary ! Sydney had something like that as well! She had something that looked like a zit on her face, cheek bone, for several months. I had it checked twice (mainly becuase her grandma has had cancer on her cheek bone before) and was told it will go away on its own. But in Sept/oct it got seriously infected, grew bigger.... they gave us antibiotics which i didnt want, asking for it to be pierced right away but they said she'd still need a/b, so we went with that first, and fortunately it got cleared and popped and drained. she still has a little red dot on her face. Hate these things ! Hugs to all of you
ReplyDeleteI can scarcely imagine how you must feel to be separated from her for so long. Sending many prayers for swift healing and a joyous reunion!
ReplyDeleteHugs to you!
That has to be incredibly difficult. Hoping she gets well and you all get back together sooner than you imagine.
ReplyDeleteWhat an ordeal! I am so sorry you have been dealing with this.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to the time you are reunited and celebrating Figlia's birthday..
Big hugs to you.
Oh my goodness, how awful! I am so glad she is doing better now, but I can only imagine the toll all of this has talent on you. I pray for her continued healing and hope that you all are reunited soon!
ReplyDeleteOh Elsie, I'm so sorry you (and Figlia!) had to go through that! Glad she's doing better now and your mum is taking care of her, although I can imagine how much you'd miss her.
ReplyDeleteGood for you re the journal. I've recently bought a journal app for i.pad/.phone but haven't been able to put in more than two entries, because I have the feeling I need to write a whole story (like with my blog), but you're right, even if it's only two lines a day it's fine!
I'm hoping with you that you don't have to feel that lonely again ever, or at least not for a very long time.
So here is my "happy new year" wish for you: let's raise a glass to you. The mom. The strong mom. The mom that went through a lot and still stands tall. The strong woman that is there for her Figlia, no matter what. An outstanding woman like that should not feel lonely. Ever. So I wish you just that: to always feel loved, needed, and nurtured!
ReplyDeleteThat's sounds just awful. I'm so sorry you're starting the new year this way. Take care sweetie, and I hope she home in your arms asap. *hug*
ReplyDeleteOh dear! The universe appears not to have been listening when I said that you'd had enough.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to a happy Happy Birthday reunion post next week.