(This post is a rare one. Not because it is fantastic, but because it was composed a while back and not published, which is not the norm with me. It's not too stale already, I hope. )
I have been trying to articulate my thoughts over this for a while, but nothing seems very eloquent to me.
I was asking someone (of a previous generation) about how they managed with the lack of sleep, and how they coped with the general disruption of everything post-baby.
"We never thought about whether we will be able to cope or not. We just did what had to be done. The baby needed to be fed, changed, rocked to sleep. If it was hunger, there would be food. If it would be sleep, there would be a lullaby. There was no coping. There was only doing." ##
One way of looking at this is thinking of how low one puts oneself in terms of personal space. The other way is that there is nothing but 'surrender', as the underlying emotion. There is involved detachment. The woman ceases to be a person and evolves into a mother. Whether that fusing is permanent, and whether there will be a devolution again is different, but till the baby is not independent enough, the woman is just 'servicing' the child.
Mentally, I keep trying to have personal space at all times. Even with Figlia, I need to have that ten minutes of calm that is not her. Are those mothers happier than us (or me, specifically) for not thinking of personal space for a period of time?
I was speaking to someone who would fit the definition of 'simpleton'. He became a grandfather for the first time recently. I asked him how the new mum was coping with the small baby and the chores and all.
What if he refuses to sleep?She remains awake with him. What else?What if he is crying?Everyone jumps in to calm him.What if the baby gets up again and again?DIL wakes up again and again.What else?
Do they lead a simpler life by not thinking much? Do they lead a easier life by giving up on the idea of self for a while?
##para-phrasing of what she said
Hmmm, that is a good question indeed! I know for myself that I didn't have the option of giving up on the idea of self. My body just couldn't cope and in turn my mind couldn't cope. So I suppose I am a bad example to go by...
ReplyDeleteI think that responsibilities come and go through our lives. Motherhood is a huge responsibility, and with a first child, you don't realize how huge. Because it's so overwhelming, and because you are mostly unable to delegate any of the responsibilities, it feels like you're losing yourself and surrendering to the child. Eventually, the stress levels recede, but they never totally go away. I think that's why women feel like they lose their identities. You undergo a fundamental change that you're not expecting and therefore not prepared for. (Yes, I know everyone "knows" that life is going to change once you have a child, but you can't understand the scope until you're in the middle of it.) It's not like a new job, where you can put things away at quitting time and not really think of them again until the next morning. Or it is like a new job where you can't leave your responsibilities at the office - but somehow we're more accepting of it when we're getting paid to do it...maybe because we can always just quit if it gets to be too much.
ReplyDeleteYes, it is much simpler to give yourself over to the baby's needs. But not everyone is able to do that. I think you have to evaluate your own strengths and weaknesses and prioritize needs...and get help when you need it.
i truly do not think you have to give up being a woman or the idea of self to be a mother. if it's possible, have the husband care for figlia for an hour (or however long he is willing) at the very least, once a week, so you can have a little time for yourself. it's totally necessary and you absolutely deserve to have this time completely guilt free. you do not have to lose yourself in order to be a mother.
ReplyDeleteI'll be honest. In my life, I have found that motherhood had changed me. I've always been a more submissive person with my husband, and I want to be so that isnt saying he "makes" me do things for him; I legitimately want to. With my children, it became more than just wanting to, it became a need to. When I have my "me" time (running, coaching, teaching, coffee with my BFF) I'm still thinking of them and what to do. When my husband gets up for a nightmre with one of them, I'm still awake, hoping they are fine and okay. While he enjoys his dad time and doing his special things (like getting them back to sleep after a night waking- he is the KING of that), I still feel like I am 100% on, 100% of the time. That being said,I do believe that you need time for you in order to be a good mother. If you dont think about her while you have that 10 minutes (or hour or whatever), there is nothing wrong with that.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much that we, as moms, feel guilty for; taking time for ourselves (so that we can be the best moms we can be) doesnt need to take up that space.
But yes, I guess I can see where the whole womanhood evolves into motherhood could come from. I know that, for me, it seems to be that way.
I have had similar conversations with my mom about her generation and her parents. I think, through the abundance that they brought about, that we have the privilege of being perched higher on Maslow's hierarchy. Whereas they were more worried about the lower levels of safety and stability, we have the luxury to pursue self-esteem and self-actualization.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a matter of expectations. We have them. For those who didn't, life was much simpler.
I am simple like that. I am awake when my baby is awake (any of them). I nurse on demand. I feed when they need feeding. I entertain when they need that. My needs are the lowest, because this is how this time of my life is. There is no one else to do this for my children, even though my husband and I share the best we can these parenting duties.
ReplyDeleteWe don't go out, because we'd rather stay in and rest if we can. I don't go anywhere without my children, unless I have a doctor appointment, and then my husband stays with them. I read, spend time online, watch tv when they are asleep, when they 'let me' sort of speak.
I don't mind. This time flies by. They won't need me that much for long. G is already quite the independent Mr Knowitall. It all goes by so fast, it is like a dream. In the thick of it, when sleep deprivation is the harshest, it seems like a ightmare.
But nothing lasts forever. And things change so fast when you have children.
ReplyDeleteI do not know if I do fit the description you mentioned. I do not know if I am happier than you, because we have different life experiences and this leads to different perspectives on happiness.
But I can say this - I would not change a thing so far. Not even the brutal sleepless nights. Perhaps it is because I am always myself, more or less. I never felt a major change when I became a mother, I have always felt like that. And 'me time', I do quite fine without scheduled me-time. I always have myself in my head to speak with. Not always reliable to provide the solution or answer, but there all the time.
I can only speak from my own experience, but I know that I *need* that time and space away from my wee-lings. Whether it's 15 minutes of reading while locked away in the bathroom, or a couple of hours out while I'm doing the weekly shopping, my personality requires alone time to keep sane. Thankfully, my Beloved willingly supports those needs. But there are most certainly times when I get to a point when I can't handle having a wee-ling leaning on me, drooling on me, or tugging on my clothes. I love them both so dearly, that I feel bad for feeling bad. But I know that I can be a better mummy and wife if I have those snippets of time to myself.
ReplyDeleteInteresting thought. Honestly, I need some time to refocus- not a lot of time, just an hour on the treadmill, or a quiet soak in the tub, just a little relaxing when V is fussy and I'm at my wits end with how to handle it calmly.
ReplyDeleteIn the beginning I was on autopilot, and while that worked at the time, surrendering to the baby's every needs, that phase doesn't last forever. I don't think that made me happier necessarily, but it made it easier for me to cope at first.
As he has grown more independent, I have begun to reclaim some of my independent needs. I don't have an urge for going out or anything, I just like to have a little quiet time to focus on something else. I know that he won't be this little forever, I mean in 2 months he'll already be a year old! This age is challenging, but it passes so quickly that as challenging as it is I'm grasping to hold on to all the wonder things that come with the challenges.
I never did well with the "no sleep" part of things. As the day drew to a close I would get more and more nervous because it ment hubby slept and I didn't and I HATED it!! I even started to resent this little miracle I created because of how much sleep I didn't get... It did and does get better after a year.......
ReplyDeleteIt also didn't get easier with the additional kiddo's. Well maybe it got easier while the were itty bitty baby's but after that nope. Crying, I was never one to rush in......
I'm not sure it's really being simple or giving up oneself. In the beginning at least I think it's more survival mode. You're going through the motions just doing what needs to be done. I promise it gets better as they get older!
ReplyDeleteHmmm. wow.
ReplyDeleteMaybe their life is simpler; I don't know. But would I be happier if I lived my life that way? I'm pretty sure not. I need that sense of self, that sense which is something more than the entertainer of my daughter. If I didn't have that sense of self, the future would just stretch ahead too long and unrewarding and dismal.
It's amazing how much this post has stuck with me, it's been in the back of my mind since I last responded. Having thought more, I think I need to revise. If I compare how I respond to Gwen vs. how Joel does, I think that in fact I have a much more resigned (sometimes, fatalistic) approach. When it's his turn (rarely!) to get up in the wee hours of the morning and go in to her, he does so by turning over noisily, heaving a great big sigh, flinging the covers off, snapping his glasses case shut, and interspersing another few sighs in there too. Me, when it's my turn, sometimes I can't help a small sigh escaping, but for the most part, I feel like I remove the cat, push back the covers, grab for my glasses and my phone (which I use as a flashlight in the night), and slip out of bed like a robot. There's no point in sighing because sighing won't change the fact that I need to get up and do this. Nothing will change that fact. I just have to do it, and so I do it.
ReplyDeleteSuch activity is so unlike me that that's why I think I treasure the moments of sanity, of me-time, that I take so much, because part of me worries that if I don't get them, I'll turn into a robot automaton in all aspects of my life.