Lone Wolf Rufus

I have been under stress (surprise!), mostly mental and emotional because of my workplace. I have been in this place for a few years now. People have come and gone. I used to lunch with a group of women, and the composition has fluctuated almost all these years. Two of the women I was will-call-you-from-home close have now left and joined other places. 

I was on leave, and then I came back. New faces, old faces; New equations, old equations; New interactions, old interactions. New rules of the game. In the old days, we gossiped but also had other topics to spend precious lunch minutes on.

Now it's changed. 

I kept sticking to the same group after I came back, but suddenly it is too many like-minded people together. Suddenly, the gossipers have been bolstered with new people who are eager members of the bitchf.est tribe. 

I enjoy gossip. But I can't tolerate constant tearing down people. Especially when my perception of what people were like collided directly with the bits I was told. 

Then came the academic load. My classes are scheduled such that there is very little time to convene together and enjoy a relaxed bite.

My ticket to get away.

I stopped sitting with them. I cut loose. 

I feel free because I am away from the negative people. I am in trouble because this breaking away has created new problems for me here. 

The joy of modern organizations is the interdependence, and the fact that informal relationships often leverage impact on formal issues. Suddenly the things I deal with are turning typical, because of the relationship people share with each other. 

Atleast one of the woman I cut away from is a boss. I have to grate my nose where things can get done easily. 

I am a free ion right now. I miss some of the people who have gone away. I wish I could vent out to someone in the office without that person invariably taking the bits back to one of the ex-group members. I wish I wouldn't be so hurt by anything. I wish I wouldn't give away so easily my emotions. I wish emotional maturity would replace my impulsiveness. I am the only one in my office with a kid under-1 year old. I wish people would keep that in mind when they deal with me. 

I don't deal well with indirect bullying. I was never tamed that way. I wish I wasn't the target currently. 

An upcoming event sort of proved to be the tipping point. 

There are a few things:

1. I need to keep my head clear and not get too fogged up.

2. I have never been late for professional deadlines. Now, I am struggling to keep up.

3. I refuse to spend time thinking about how my competitive workplace turned cut-throat.

4. Keep a difference between ego and self-respect, and not let the former become a substitute for the latter. This is way more difficult than it appears to be.

5. Keep mum. Again difficult for me.

6. Focus and prioritize. 

7. The title of the post if misleading. We work in teams, several of them, as members or coordinators. It is tough to be lone. It is tough to feel the lack of a good ear.

I feel like living a diluted version of 13 Going On 30, and realizing that the perceived best friend was the one who was sabotaging the pet project of a person.