There was a post clear and lucid just as I began to type, but I think I am losing the sand of thought already. The last few days have been busy busy busy. I do not know how I shuttle between work and home, and exactly how much time passes between 5 p.m to 9 p.m. I have no time to look at the clock...everything gets dictated. The hands of time keep pushing me to forge ahead, and somehow I am just floating through. I pause to think, but it seems to be waste of time. There is no time to think.
I am on the verge of being utterly inefficient at work. At home, I am dealing with a baby who has a new flavour of sleep every night, a cold and cough we are not over with, and the star of this week has been the projectile puking. I keep thinking of making a to-do list, except that I seem to have no time for the list, and if I have free time, I want to sit down and do nothing.
Lately, every evening, I come home before I go and pick her up from the daycare. That allows me to finish up stuff. It is just a thirty minute deal at the house, but it makes my life a little easier.
I am awed by the fact that we are a few double-digits away from her first birthday. I can't ignore the fact that her sister's second birthday would be around the same date.
Last night, after Figlia went to sleep, she was fidgety and woke up again and again, a couple of times. In the dark room, soothing her, and comforting her I had an incredibly soft moment. I am blown away by the idea that I am her comfort. I am what she seeks when she is distraught. I am relief for her. That I am wanted.
And today morning, I sang Uspavanka from the movie Saviour. It was impromptu, and I killed the lyrics and tune, and I sang it today morning. We were in the balcony, and she wasn't exactly listening to me, but here she was, and here I was. And I sang.
And I did not cry.
I had tried to memorize that song (the tune haunted me ever since I saw the Quaid movie), and I had originally tried to learn it for CBub. I could never sing or hum the tune without crying before this.
I sang it today, and I was awful at singing it, but I did not cry.
And I have to tell you something. Figlia turned 37 weeks this Wednesday, which means that she was not 36 weeks 6 days last Saturday. I bungled up. Sorry about that.
"if I have free time, I want to sit down and do nothing" - I feel exactly the same, for way too long already. But somehow you still manage to blog!
ReplyDeleteYes, those moments when you realize that you are your children's everything, they blow me away too.
I'm glad you were able to sing that song to Figlia.
It's a wonderful moment to realize how necessary you are to her - not just for food and clothing, but for overall well-being and happiness.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to sing without crying.
BTW, it is a fantastic idea to give yourself half an hour to get stuff done (or just to sit in the sun and relax for a few minutes) before picking her up.
I kind of have those "wow" moments when I watch my 3 year old eating what I put down before her. For some reason, in that instance, she seems so trusting and so vulnerable, and I realize that what I feed her is purely my choice, and she eats it trustingly. I don't know..but it gets me every time! Her well-being is in my hands!
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