I feel like I want to write more. And somehow, mentally there is this huge post in bright colours all written out, but it is not coming out in prose the way it should.
Speaking and admitting my anxiety is a huge thing. That anxiety is on me all the time these days.
I finally told DH that I feel better when he is around in the morning. That dear daughter sleeps better when he is there. But he has his gym, and irrespective of when he goes, there will be inconvenience for me anyhow. And taking away his joy is not really my idea. That is not what I want.
I can't offer him a solution.
And so, I kept thinking of how it would be to continue being the jumpy cat for a few more months. One of the pleasant things I realized was that in my mind, I continued to imagine baby girl at the age she is now. In a few months, she will be a different size, with a more definite range and competence with several activities.
When will I feel better? When she starts to talk? When she gains her feet and begins to walk? When she starts school? When she can eat everything that we as adults do?
Figlia's schedule has been disrupted by the events of the past few days. Her sleep had gone out for a toss in the weeks before that. But she has been showing signs of being back on track. We also came to know that she had an ear infection. It was her first ever and I hadn't been Einstein enough to guess it on my own.
However, she has again gone back to atleast two feeds in the night from the one feed a night that had slowly begin to form as a routine.
Last night it was two proper feeds, plus two episodes of waking up where she demanded to be soothed by my bre@st (she fell asleep almost immediately). Her nighttime activity keeps waking me up all the time. She moves around a lot, and sometimes you will find her with her head raised, staring into the darkness.
Figlia has also started 'recognizing' what objects imply for her. It is as if she understands the consequence of what is there is my hand. I have to give her these nasal drops for her infection, and the lady starts whining just looking at the bottle in my hand.
The mosquitoes have left ugly marks on her forearms, and areas around her feet, and I couldn't have hated the mosquitoes anymore than I already do.
Figlia has also started 'recognizing' what objects imply for her. It is as if she understands the consequence of what is there is my hand.
ReplyDeleteHow cool. Once this start of higher cognitive processes begins, things become so much more fun. And I think also that this is when things do start becoming a bit better -- or at least different -- because as they begin to be able to do more on their own, then there are more situations where if something goes "wrong", they are able to fix it themselves. And starting to see more of the individual person that they are makings it easier to start separating yourselves, or at least, this is what I've been finding. Sometimes I look at her and am simply amazed that I produced her. Her temperament is so happy and joyful, whereas I'm a lot more moderate, she doesn't look anything like me...it's marvelous and amazing to watch.
I posted replies to your most recent comments on my LJ; I'm not sure if you get notified when I do or not (since I've never been in a position to comment on an LJ w/ a non LJ account...)
At my parents' place, I now sleep in the same room with Timothy - it is hard! He is so noisy :)
ReplyDeleteArg, I hate mosquitos so much!!!
ReplyDeleteI've found my anxiety beginning to abate recently. After four years and a lot of mental work. Part of parenting I never suspected.
I don't know that the anxiety stops. It gets better but you're always thinking that you'd better do ---- before he wakes up, gets home from school, finishes his movie...but it is exaggerated when they are smaller and unable to be reasoned with.
ReplyDeleteI hate Mosquitos and how they eat my sweet children. And FYI-even though you're longing for a day when you can sleep to your norm-when that day comes your body will have been getting up so early for so long that you won't be able to sleep as late as you'd hoped and then you'll resent your body's new internal clock even more. ;-)
It never fully goes away. But it tones down a bit and you learn better coping techniques. Anxiety, once here, never leaves, I guess. Bt it gets better.
ReplyDeleteI think that once they leave the infant phase - when she can crawl and walk and recognize danger (to some extent), you start feeling a little better. And like Jacksmom said - when you can't reason with them, it's very difficult. But eventually, like her recognizing the drops, she will understand you and you will understand her more fully.
ReplyDeleteAs to the husband and his gym time...do you get gym time (or spa time or walk time) too? That might go some distance towards making you feel a little better. Some time when you are not responsible for anything in the house might be beneficial. I know there's work and daycare time and that usually counts as your break, but you might need something else. Make it happen.
I hate mosquitos...
Mosquitoes are awful :(
ReplyDeleteVincent learned what his eye ointment was early on (he gets frequent eye infections from a blocked duct)- it makes giving him his medicine hard. Okay, that's an understatement... It's more like wrestling a writhing snake to give him his medication!
I hope she cooperates with you and gets well soon!