I have been thinking.
And a lot of that has come from the comments I received the past couple of posts, and the FB message I received from a dear blogger.
No, I have not replied to any of it. Not yet. I am not sure I will, even if I want to.
What do I do when she wakes up early? Kick-in the speed mode, and I still get done most of what I usually do on a normal morning. My snail pace is compromised, there is extra whimpering, but things do get done. Right?
I have not been able to grasp the magnitude of my own coping skills.
There. I just simplified the whole bit.
What if CBub would not have died, and I had been living ditto this life with her? Would I have taken it as a norm, not complicated by a loss and grief of a different kind?
That question may seem distant, but it seems that she always remains on my horizon. Some frozen baby with whom I never hit the milestones that I am meeting with my new daughter. My fantasy for CBub, of her, and life with her will never disappear.
It's like some sparkle inside me (yes, that is sparkle, and not spark) that keeps floating in the cipher of my blood vessels, invisibly mixing with all else that flows through.
There is no connection between that fantasy and the now-life. Because every bit of the past, is well just an imagined present.
And I am unable to live in the now.
Did you see my sentences? I keep waiting for the future to arrive.
So, I have been thinking a lot.
And I am going to give myself time, as a said. I am going to make the effort to soak the sun.
There are a few things that I have already started to do, and a few things that I must tell you.
- Even if you think I am constantly dissing about DH, you must know, that he is a first time Dad too.
- He volunteers around the house, and buys the grocery/veggies for home. He helps with dinner and serves it too.
- When I can't get her to sleep, when I need help with burping her, or when I need a break, I do hand over the baby to him.
- I have started to verbalize what makes me uncomfortable. His morning gym, for instance. I still want him to not cut back on it, but I ask him to wait for a few minutes, if she has woken up already (lately, Figlia can join the early bird for a race to the worm).
- I have started pointing out what more he can do to help me.
- I am trying to stop dreading the end of the day, and the beginning of a new one.
The course that life should have taken but did not is always in the back of our minds. You can't say what would have been, since you don't know. But the current course is owing its present to what came not to be. Not easy.
ReplyDeleteDreading the end of a day and the eginning of another stopped around 14-15 months for us, when the sleep got better. And it is sort of back now with the terrible twos. Some days are lovely, a few others are awful. Most of them are exhausting. Yet all of them totally worth it - and I even realise it when I have time to think about it. :-)
I think adjusting to life with a newborn can be a really hard time. Not to mention the deep wells of complicated emotion associated with grief and loss and having those triggers daily. It sounds like you are approaching this challenge with strength and determination.
ReplyDeleteHoney, you need to cut yourself some slack. Adjusting to the upheaval a newborn brings to one's life is hard enough, without having to deal with the "what could have been's" that you've been dealing with due to C-bub's passing. It must be very surreal for you to watch Figlia grow and not wonder what woulda coulda been with C-bub. I wonder if it might not have been easier for you to transition if Figlia had ended up being a boy? Still hard but "easier".
ReplyDeleteJust know that you are doing the best you can. You are a great Mom. The only one Figlia has. She loves you. You love her. That's enough sometimes.
Re DH - we all moan about our men. Yet we know they are not as bad as all that when push comes to shove. I think it's great that you are communicating to him your expectations of his help needed. I found doing that with my DH helped calm the waters a lot.
HUGS mamma! You're doing great!
xxx
Agreeing with the others, give yourself some slack (*hugs*) Adjusting to a new baby is hard, and dealing with the emotions you have just compounds things. I understand having issues, I think with her being another girl, and being born when she was, really blurs the lines and makes everything more poignant.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard, but you're doing great.
Ack! How can you not live in the might-have-been, as you see what Figlia's doing and how wonderful it is? Maybe it will lessen with time, but maybe it won't. Either way, C-Bub's short life made an impact.
ReplyDeleteI think you're on the right track - you need to be able to verbalize what kind of help you need. If you want time to yourself, you need to ask for it. If you want your husband to take the wake-ups, ask him to have his gym time later (maybe after work? Or even what you've asked - if she's up, please postpone). Just don't assume it's all your job as that way leads to more stress and resentment. But don't assume he knows what you need, as you're the one who's been home with Figlia the most. So, as usual, the key is communication. It's hard. It gets harder. Then it gets easier. You'll be fine.
For me it was the lack of sleep and the pure exhaustion, the never ever having time for me.my husbands work is very social, he gets long lunches with clients in nice restaurants, he travels to nice hotels and generally has fun. So it's hard to accept how different out lives are.
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes when he "help" he would forget the crucialateps(like feeding himself breakfast and nothing to 2 screaming babies).
Now I have tantrumng toddlers who I have to potty train within 3 weeks... So the stresses just change a little.
Hugs, keep your head up
You are walking two paths at once, aren't you? I don't know how it could be any different. A child is not something you "let go."
ReplyDelete