Just four days before I birthed CBub, I was attending a session at my workplace. As soon as the speaker came on, CBub began to kick like crazy (CBub used to kick whenever my Director spoke, that is the joy of frequent meetings). (It feels like a chilling memory, but CBub was definitely a responder.)
Anyways, this guy's voice also made my baby kick. I was so excited by it, that I spontaneously pulled my neighbour's hand to make her feel the kicks. She pulled back her hand, gave me a pinched smile of discomfort, and carried on with the listening. That was a bad move on my part.
I do not know much of her (she was a recent joinee), but that her only child had passed a few days after birth. What did he die of? Was he a preemie? Was she seeking to conceive again? How much time had passed between the death and her coming to work? I had no idea.
Her baby's death was fitted as news in the corner of my mind, but I hadn't considered that before my overture to make her feel my baby move within.
The truth is that I was so excited that unless it was a male colleague next to me, I would have placed anyone's hand on my belly.
We were hardly friends...we spoke civil but never spoke unless our work made us do it. She never conveyed anything after my baby's birth and death.
By the time I went back to work, she had already quit.
But I distinctly remember that I must have upset her.
The things we remember. I remember asking my cousin just days after her miscarriage if she was going to try again. Years later I finally realized how painful that must have been for her.
ReplyDeleteMy bestfriend was in her early 20s, she got pregnant and miscarried around 12 weeks, I'm positive I made the mistake of telling her it was "for the best". We were 22, and it took both of us over 5 years of treatment and ivf to have children. I wished I could have gone back and kicked me, but sometimes we innocently do things, and that's all it is.
ReplyDeleteI hate that, realizing so much later something I said or did was probably very hurtful. We are all only human.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes have thoughts about what i have or havent done and how my actions (or lack thereof) may have hurt people. It's sobering to think about how naive I really was about the world. When I was in my early 20's, a cousin of mine had to have a hysterectomy. My mom was telling me about how this cousin was struggling with the idea of no biological children. I remember thinking at the time that she could always "just" adopt. What was the big deal? As far as I know, the cousin never had any idea of my thoughts but to this day i feel incredibly guilty for having them.
ReplyDeleteWe understand how hurtful our thoughts and actions are now and act accordingly. That's all we can do. Many hugs to you.
We all do things we don't realize might hurt someone. It's unfortunate, but it wasn't malicious. It's too bad you weren't able to meet again and speak, you might have been a source of comfort for her.
ReplyDeleteOh, that's a hard one. You can't know what's going on is someone else's mind - we always hope that we're sensitive, but it doesn't always work out.
ReplyDeleteI think we've all had situations where we realize later how what we did must have been hurtful. I know I've had my share.
ReplyDeleteoh damn. we all make mistakes, at the very least you are empathetic to yours. sometimes excitement like that just overtakes you though.
ReplyDeleteHoney, we all do things in the heat of the moment and it comes from pure innocence. Yes I'm sure she felt hurt but I'm also sure she realized you didn't MEAN to hurt her with your actions.
ReplyDeletexxx