Days before I had gone back to work, I attended a party hosted by a colleague. In a conversation, she told me about one of our students who became a new mum recently.
That bit of news, was just one tidbit among the various threads exchanged between us.
When I went back to work, I asked how old the baby was. I do not even know what triggered the question, but it was some reference to one of her batchmates.
'Oh!' she said, 'the baby is no more.'
It was shocking. The baby wasn't quite a month old when she died.
I took my student's number. I texted her a message of condolence, and told her that she could call/contact me anytime.
She replied back, thanked me for the message, and told me that she was trying to forget the baby's face, but was struggling with it.
I want to clarify here, that I am only sharing the 'forgetting the face of the baby' part of her message. There were other bits to the reply too.
I told her that it was impossible to forget the baby's face. She would never be able to do it, and hence this was a meaningless pursuit. Rather than try to get over it, she would try to live with the pain, and forge ahead.
She did not reply to my message.
I have, since then, started to feel if I crossed the line in someway, or that I actually projected on her loss by trying to tell her the right way to feel a loss.
Obviously, we don't go through the same paths of healing, even with common denominators in them. And I do know people who have experienced baby loss, but they have not internalized it the way I have, or atleast that is what I perceive about the way they portray themselves to be about the topic.
My eyes had moistened when I composed her the first message. They were still moist when I replied to her message, and it just became raw for me. But I am not sure what to think of her further silence on this.
I've not experienced baby loss, so can't compare my pain, but I do know loss and will say this. While we all experience grief differently, the stages of grief are the same and I think you gave her great advice given where you are in your journey with grief.
ReplyDeleteFrom my own experience I know that my grief became more bearable when I learned to surrender to it and live with it.
Strongs! xxx
I don't know what to make of it either. God I hope I never forget her face. Not ever. Four years down the track, and the memories are slowly becoming fuzzy. And I hate it.
ReplyDeletexo
Hard to know but I would think your email was helpful and supportive. Maybe message her and just tell her you're thinking about her and hadnt heard from her, that you hope she is ok and that you hoped in your previous email that you didn't come across as telling her that she had to deal with her baby's loss in a certain way. That you were just trying to help her see the reality, however bitter, for what it was as you'd been through it as well.
ReplyDeleteLoss is a wild card, gives one the 'freedom' to act as they feel they should, without explanation, shame or pride. I would not presume you were giving her lessons in grieving and she took it the wrong way. Perhaps she is just too tired to make contact... You mean well, and she will see that, if she hasn't already.
ReplyDeleteI bet it is raw...
Hugs.
Maybe everyone around her told her she should try to forget her baby's face, even though she felt she couldn't - and then suddenly she got this message from you, the first person telling her that of course she couldn't. Maybe she just needs some time to process. But this is just me second-guessing...
ReplyDeleteDo you think you could call her instead of send a message? SMS/email is sometimes so difficult as it lacks nuances and it is hard to know how the person on the other side reacts...
I don't know. I think the previous commenters have some great comments/insight though. There isn't a right or wrong way, but I think your message came from a good place, and I think it was great advice. She may just need time to process, you could message back and tell her that you didn't mean to upset her but were speaking from your experience? Or just let it hang, because it's so hard to tell what is going on with her end, with everything being so raw?
ReplyDeleteGrieving is tough, and sometimes you just don't want to talk to anyone. Maybe she didn't like what you had to say, but maybe she just needs some time to process. If you feel like you overstepped, you can apologize, but maybe it's best to just let it lie.
ReplyDeleteThat you cared enough to reach out to her says a lot. I think in the rawness of grief, it's hard to know what's the "right" thing to say and do. Hard to know what silence means, I think the other commenters have some good insights.
ReplyDeleteI always find it so hard to know what to say to another BLM IRL... and have sometimes wondered whether I should have said things differently. You definitely did the right thing reaching out to her... and maybe her silence is just taking her time in her grief. Thinking of you and love to you always xoxo
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous commenter who said that reaching out again and saying what you said above, about there not being a right way to feel a loss.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, what you said to her really resonates with me.