There was a post that bubbled in my mind while I was trying to take a siesta. Too bad, the words and the train of thoughts got lost by the time I sat down to compose it.
Why do you cry? It was just a girl...
A little while back I was thinking that next year the two girls would be having a birthday almost at the same time. That's not true. The older one would have turned older three days later. And I can think of a birthday, but not the party. What an unnecessary thought to be mulling over.
Why do you cry? It was just a girl...
When CBub died, family skeletons tumbled out. I had some wind of the pain my grandma had undergone, but the force of it tumbled out only after Cbub's death.
For all the pregnancies she had, only the daughters survived. Grandma suffered first trimester, second trimester and third trimester losses. She suffered neonatal losses, and one of my uncles died as a toddler.
Why do you cry? It was just a girl...
It is strange how people ascribe and look skewed at your reproductive prowess. Sunny was told that she must be sad giving birth to another boy. That post touched me somewhere deep.
Do we have a choice on who we conceive? We conceive a human being, right?
Granny gave birth to a girl a little beyond 28 weeks gestation. She could not be saved. Someone from her family told her : "Why do you cry? It was just a girl...". My granny is known to not have talked beyond civil to the person who said this to her. In her age and time, this step would be considered very bold. That she was upset at the loss of a beloved child, rather than 'this is another carrot in your field of carrots', I feel her pain now.
Why do you cry? It was just a girl...
When Figlia was born, and SuperGyn described her the way she did, nothing important or emotional came out of my mind in response. My fuzzy mind somewhere registered the lack of cry, but I shut that out pretty fast. An assistant asked me again, about how I felt on her birth.
I am not sure if it was good or fine that came out of my mouth. But whatever came out was very sere and dry. I now wonder if the assistant took the impression that I did not want a girl.
Why do you cry? It was just a girl...
My doubts were confirmed. Unlike CBub, Figlia had not cried immediately after birth. CBub cried and breathed life. She died. Figlia was resuscitated and then cried, and she lives.
And I think I would have been raising sisters had CBub lived. My TTC would be finally over. There would be no two thoughts over wanting to undergo this again.
Why do you cry? It was just a girl...
I think it's interesting (in a kind of sick way) how people project their own desires/thoughts/prejudices on expectant or new mothers. I have had so many people assume that we are praying for a boy this time around, because we must want one of each. There was also the lady who said to me, when she found out about our first miscarraige, "you must be so relieved" and then went on to tell me that babies concieved after momma had been on birth control pills were 'always' deficient in some way.
ReplyDelete*shaking my head*
Your post made me think of this piece from the Talmud:
ReplyDelete"Whoever destroys a soul, it is considered as if he destroyed an entire world. And whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world."
Babylonian Talmud Tractate Sanhedrin 37a
I was thinking about something similar this morning - the end of family names with no boys to carry them on. But really, what does it matter when you have that warm little body curled up against you?
ReplyDeleteWe know people talk crap, yet we let ourselves affected by their stupid words.
ReplyDeleteYou cannot help thinking about the what if-s and how would it have been-s. hold Figlia tighter and let the grief for CBub take its course.
Thinkin
Jeez blogspot is awful!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your just girls.
A while back, an older lady sitting down on the bus, told a young very pregnant woman, standing up, "Missus, if you were wee careful at home at night, you wouldn't be with the belly now".
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I want to add is that I am always so sad to see how other cultures approach the gender equality. Here in BC many places won't tell you the gender at the ultrasound because we have large southeast asian community that is known to abort a baby if it's a wrong sex. Living alongside people that try for so long to have a baby.
I love what Quiet Dreams said.
ReplyDeleteThe words from your Granny's family member are a barb in my heart, too.
Girls rock, I want to say to her. Very adamantly.
I second what LavLuz said...and, I'm abiding with you and remembering one daughter and celebrating the other.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say other than - we love you and we are here to support you, through sad times and happy times
ReplyDeletehugs
You've written eloquently, long ago, about the difficulty of living with infertility in a country where so many children are unwanted, thrown away, sent to beg.
ReplyDeleteThis is another side of the same thing, but even worse probably, because you have lost a daughter and are surrounded so many who don't want their own daughters.
Love to you and both of your girls.
UFV: Your profile is private and there is no mail address attached to your comment, so I am just leaving the reply here.
ReplyDeleteI am horrified at what the old lady had to say. Perhaps if you do not have the courtesy to leave the seat for the pregnant woman, you should atleast have the civility to not make such terrible remarks. And even if the old lady had given her the seat, the younger woman was still not eligible for such a remark.
Female infanticide is a very common practice in several cultures driven solely by the fact that most of these societies are patriarchal. What's awful is that sometimes the pregnant woman herself is willing and unapologetic for having undergone such termination owing to the gender of the fetus.
Since my mother had two daughters, people used to ask her, "Don't you want to try for a boy?" or even "where are your sons?" To the second question she would answer "another woman is raising them for me" (meaning her future sons-in-law). My dad never gave us the slightest hint that he wanted anything other than two girls.
ReplyDeleteA woman I knew in Bolivia who was heavily pregnant told me she just hoped it was a boy, because "a girl will only be born to suffer." That made me so sad.
These are heavy thoughts - the family history, too, so much loss and sadness - and the birthdays coming up. Sending loads of love to you and Figlia.
Oh my. No words for so much insensitivity of people that cannot seem to think beyond their own personal world. Tears for what your grandmother had to go through, but I hope that despite all the sadness, her daughters brought her much joy. Thinking of you, Figlia and CBub - three great girls.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post. Thanks for your words. On another note, I love the tagline to your blog. I'm a bit of a nerdy researcher and I like statistical significance.
ReplyDeleteWow. That comment is shocking and not so shocking at the same time. I remember a time when I had ideas of wanting a girl or wanting a boy. It seems so silly now.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, St Elsewhere