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Patience Fail, And So Much Testimony to Me...

If this were on twitter, I would have tagged it as #badmommamoment ...


Okay I am not going to moan the sleep part again, except that Tuesday night saw us awake till 1:40 (approx) in the night...no going into patterns of usual sort, just drinking milk, crying, peeing and staying awake.

I expected the sleep to commence anytime after 9 o'clock...then 10, 11, 12, 1 came by...I was dead tired, and could not keep my eyes open. She did not want to sleep, and did not want to laid down on the bed. We just wanted to be held and fed.

I am going to say this. And I know that this won't be easy to hear.

I snapped. She was on my lap, and was busy kicking her blanket off - again and again. After the last whiny cry, I kind of threw the blanket on her. Then I proceeded to fix and hold the blanket on the bed and partially on my lap with my palms. I just couldn't take it. The blanket didn't stay, and there was crying. I finally swaddled her, and asked my mum to take her. Mummy was snoring asleep, but she caught my irritation.

She didn't have to. In the last couple of months, I have begged Figlia to sleep, tried to imagine that she is not calling for me, hoped that I have fed her enough for a long nap, attempted patience when such an episode happens...but this time, I reacted.

I think that was the second time ever that I mentally apologized to Figlia. My irritation affected my handling of her.

Comments

  1. The Blessed Barrenness15 March 2012 at 14:48

    Don't beat yourself up about it, it happens to the best of us.
    I remember a similar incident with Ava when she was also very small... I'm still guilt ridden by it but sometimes when you're THAT tired, it just happens!
    You didn't hurt her and that's all that matters!

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  2. Jacksmom15 March 2012 at 15:42

    You didn't hurt her and you asked your mom to help when you'd reached your point so not much else you can do. We all get there at some point. Parenting isn't easy and you just have to grope your way through sometimes. Hugs to you, I get the frustration and the guilt.

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  3. Fran15 March 2012 at 15:45

    It happens to everyone!! Don't worry about it too much and just focus on the fact that this will pass. Love, Fran

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous15 March 2012 at 16:01

      Moments like this are so hard, because no matter how often you tell yourself that you're a *good* mommy for finding someone else to take over when you couldn't any longer, you'll never believe it (at least, I never do). We had an afternoon like this a few weeks back, where I finally put her wailing into her basket, went upstairs and woke Joel up and said "You have to deal with her, I simply can't any more", and without even waiting for him to get out of bed I turned my back and left. I had to get out of the house. At least I figured I'd make my frustration productive so I grabbed the shopping list and a bag and went out to the grocery store. (Where I bought some gummy bears because I really, really felt the need to bite the head off something, literally.)

      Delete
  4. Anonymous15 March 2012 at 16:14

    You are normal, not a bad mummy. It happens to all mothers, and of course it comes with guilt.
    I cannot tell you enough, take advantage of what you've got, i.e. your mum. These early months are rough and you really need all the help you can get. And don't feel bad for not being super-wonder-woman, able to go on without sleep for weeks. After all, who is? :-)
    Keep in mind that this shall pass and you are doing your best.
    Wishing you the best.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous15 March 2012 at 17:37

    Sweetie, we all do it. I remember sitting on the bed holding Kade tight, tight, tight and BEGGING him to JUST SLEEEEEEP! The lack of sleep gets to you and you snap - you lose it. It is life and I promise she won't remember it. You handed her over before you lost it completely - that is what matters...

    You are a great Mommy.

    xxx

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  6. Maddie15 March 2012 at 19:48

    You're a wonderful mother. Sleep deprivation is hard and we've all been there. Hope you got some sleep.

    xx

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  7. Nadine15 March 2012 at 19:50

    I know why sleep deprivation is a type of torture, it's affective.i honestly think ladies are harder to get to sleep(but that's just based on my experience with boy/girl twins).

    I would pay them to sleep if I could, the no sleeping plus tantrums makes me snap(and then I feel like crap all day) endless cycle. I know, no help to you, but your not alone. I hoping something magic is going to happen when they turn 2 and they will start sleeping through the night(not much help to you though as that's a bit far off).

    Hugs. Bye be of those swaddling mummy things withthe Velcro, I vaguely remembering that helping when they were that age...

    ReplyDelete
  8. areyoukiddingme15 March 2012 at 20:44

    I guess you can see that it happens to everyone. When you regain your composure, you feel like an idiot for being angry with a small, helpless baby. I think they do this sort of thing to teach us patience. That's why I refer to my daughter as The Little Menace. :) They're crafty, those infants.

    It will get better.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Mrs. Gamgee15 March 2012 at 20:53

    Oh hon, we all have a breaking point. You did the right thing by getting your mom to help and to take some time away from Figlia.

    When Ginny is having a particularly trying day and I feel about to snap, there are times when I need to put Ginny in her crib and close her door for awhile, just to regain my sanity. That way, she's in a safe place even if she is upset and I can go to the other side of the house and breathe deeply for a few minutes.

    Parenthood is full of challenges, and it's how we deal with them that defines us. You did good, hon. You did good.

    ReplyDelete
  10. katery16 March 2012 at 02:13

    don't be too hard on yourself, we've all been there, you are definitely not alone. it doesn't make you a bad mama.

    ReplyDelete
  11. lostintranslation16 March 2012 at 02:56

    Welcome to the club... that's what sleep deprivation does to you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Delenn16 March 2012 at 03:59

    There was a time with my son that he was screaming in his crib and just would.not.stop.it. I yelled at him and I left him in his crib and went outside and shoveled snow. (I was out there for maybe 10-15 mins.)

    I still remember that with some guilt. But I HAD to do it.

    A similar time with my daughter--I knew better. I left her safe in her crib (with people around) and I went outside and yelled at squirrels.

    yep. lack of sleep sucks.

    I have learned some things better than others when it comes to parenting. Something I often find myself learning over and over again--patients. (Sometimes it is not just the child that needs a Time Out)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Esperanza16 March 2012 at 05:23

    We all have moments like that. Despite what we are led to believe, becoming mothers does not make us superbeings, we're still humans with all our old faults and the sleeplessness and exhaustion gets to us. I hope you have already forgiven yourself for your momentary lapse. It wasn't the first and it won't be the last.

    Sending strength.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Mrs.Joyner16 March 2012 at 05:38

    I don't want to say I was "glad" to see this..But I have never admitted the time that my daughter had been screaming, for no reason, and to know end for over 3 hours. She had not yet started sleeping through the night, I was back to work, and I was so exhausted I could barely think straight. I remember yelling at her to PLEASE BE QUIET and GO TO SLEEP. Putting her in her crib, and shutting the door while she screamed..and I laid down on the living room floor and sobbed myself. I was just spent..It's good to know I'm not the only one..and to let you know..you're not either..Being a mom is the hardest job we do, and it's even harder when we feel guilty about having a human reaction..Sending much love & more restful nights your way.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Quiet Dreams16 March 2012 at 08:06

    I honestly do not know how parents, especially nursing mothers, deal with the sleep deprivation. I am so affected by even the loss of a couple of hours of sleep and cannot imagine what it must be like.

    I have been around enough parents and babies to know that it is HARD and that everyone must have these moments.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous16 March 2012 at 15:19

    Lack of sleep is killer, so much more so when chronic and acute. I've been there too.

    ReplyDelete
  17. battynurse17 March 2012 at 13:43

    Hang in there. Lack of sleep does so much to our ability to cope and deal with the minor stuff. Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete

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