I was trying booties on Figlia's feet - a hand-me-down from a cousin. And I realized that I have no recollection of CBub's feet. I just don't know how they were.
Somewhere in the recent past, I have referred flimsily to the fact that someone confused CBub's pic for that of Figlia's. And then,on another day, I was told that I now had CBub back.
I have another daughter. But she is Figlia, and not CBub. CBub is gone.
It is like this. There is a park with two swings....Figlia can sit on one, and the other will remain empty. She can change the swing, but that would leave the previous one empty. There is no way Figlia will fill both of them for me, and still fit well in them. That park is my mind.
If I were to think that Figlia was CBub come back to me, it would put tremendous weight on her shoulders...she would be living for me the life of her sister when she should be celebrated for what she is - another individual.
Had CBub been alive, I would have had two daughters. But now that one is dead, I can't ask the other one to become both.
I rejoice at the presence of Figlia in my life. But I still have the grief at the loss of my daughter. If Figlia had filled the hole completely, there would be no fuss over the missing child, would there?
Figlia is my rainbow baby. Cbub is my unicorn baby. This is not a race for replacement.
The booties did not fit Figlia. She has her mumma's feet - big ones!
-- 600th post --
Image Courtesy: http://www.visualphotos.com/photo/2x2644251/Empty_Swing_Set_on_Playground_CRB001554.jpg (Image not used for commercial reasons and no copyright claimed.)
"Figlia is my rainbow baby. Cbub is my unicorn baby. This is not a race for replacement."
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said.
Exactly right... one baby will never replace another.
ReplyDeleteThe presence of Figlia in your life may, in time, make it easier to bear that empty place in your heart, but she will never fill it. She is her own person, and as you said, to think otherwise would diminish who she is, and who Cbub was.
People who say such things, while well-intentioned, will never really understand.
Normal people are very uncomfortable when confronted with grief and by saying this they think your grief will magically disappear. But thankfully you know better.
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful post.
Beautifully said. I don't know why people assume a rainbow baby is a "replacement baby" or the other baby come back to you. It doesn't erase what happened. That's a weight no one should put on the shoulders of a child. You said it so well.
ReplyDeleteI love your swing comparision. You're so wise !
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written and so very true.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. And yes, very true. It's unfortunate that people are sometimes so uncomfortable with grief, with others' pain, that they try to make it go away - in this instance by saying that Figlia is CBub. of course they are each their own persons and Figla does not replace your lost daughter. I love the image of the swingset by the way. Perfect way to express this.
ReplyDeleteMo
Congrats on #600.
ReplyDeleteThe swing analogy is just perfect.
It's always surprising to me (although by this point it really shouldn't be anymore) how people can say things that are incredibly hurtful in the process of trying to say something helpful.
ReplyDeleteI too like your swing analogy.
When a baby dies and people try to make it better, I like to ask them how a baby dying could possibly ever be ok? There is no better, it just is. Sometimes you have to just stomp on the ever present need to do something "helpful" and just be. Just accept.
ReplyDeleteI bet Figlia has beautiful big feet.
Well said and very beautiful!!! I praise you for understanding this when many parents are unable to. I love the swing analogy.
ReplyDeletePerfectly said and so true.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post Elsie and congrats on your 600th!
xxx
Very well said. And wow! 600 posts! Congrats.
ReplyDeleteYes, of course, you have two daughters and always will.
ReplyDeleteI think the thought that CBub has come back in Figlia is likely comforting to the person who said it, then they do not have to think about your loss anymore. Poof! It is gone now.
Of course, we know it doesn't work like that.