I was taking a MS-Word blog backup for my blog (thanks to Mel). And I realized that there has been such a change in my writing, or even the subjects of my blog. The premise was always infertility, but its handling changed so much.
For a long while I worked at tweaking my body to make it pregnancy friendly and it felt like nothing worked...there was so much frustration in my voice. My blog has kept my memory alive. A simple post of my stirring a pot of soup and praying that my periods not arrive and feeling this dullness come over me and knowing....such a simple activity and yet it kind of underlined my desperation through and through.
The change in our abode, my instant liking of my new environs, the bed/room we conceived CBub in....so many things flashed around when I had finished copy-pasting and was browsing through my old entries. There is so much I have achieved over these couple of years, and yet, it seemed so difficult to begin with.
And the truth is that I am not even very sure of how I achieved what I did. I think that somehow I changed gears from tweaking my body to improving whatever I had. I never found much literature on oxidative stress, but that was what I worked at reducing, and I managed to do what seemed almost herculean all that while.
I am glad for my blog. I saw so much hope written in entries marking the beginning of a new cycle, sadness at the way they ended. And yet I realized that the desperation was an underlining emotion even in the hope posts. I wanted the cycles to work, desperately. The failure made me desperate. My periods made me desperate. Whatever I put forth, I was desperate.
I am not sure if we pick up different themes from our old entries contingent to the circumstances we are in or there are things that remain constant and so!
I don't feel desperate as of now. Maybe that somewhere in 2010, I managed to swim into an ocean I always saw but was unable to venture into, and a very basic psychological barrier was broken. There are just so many emotions that have happened since then...but desperation as an underlying thought has passed away, and happily so.
It's always good to get rid of the desperation...
ReplyDeleteI agree, it is a good thing you don't have to deal with that anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are free of desperation, it is an exhausting emotion.
ReplyDeleteIt's always so good to look back and see the big picture when at the time we were so entrenched in the little details...I hope I can one day look back at my old posts the same way.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
I always get amazed when I read old blog entries. I have a blog (another one) which is about 5 years old. It saw me through some very dark times, too. And reading about where I was - and knowing where I am now - is precious. I feel so blessed and grateful - and aware of how good my life is. So I don't take things for granted.
ReplyDeleteit's called wisdom and knowing..........Sometimes it sucks to get it!
ReplyDeleteStill praying for this journey your on and glad to hear you are processing things.............. WE are a darn STRONG person, us women!!!!!!
It is so nice to go back and read your own old posts... how much ever bitter sweet those may be. You are what you are today because of what you have been through in the past. Hoping the journey shapes in to a more beautiful tomorrow! {HUGS}
ReplyDeleteThat is why I enjoy looking back at my old blog posts. I like seeing how my voice has changed over the years. I'm glad the desperation has left you and I truly hope joy will fill your future posts.
ReplyDeleteI'm still in that desperate phase, so it's nice to read this and know that eventually it will be over. Unfortunately my desperation is also peppered with resignation at the moment, so I find it very difficult to believe that it will end happily, but it will be nice to see the back of it either way. Nice post, thanks!
ReplyDeleteI hear you on this one... I also look back at some of my old blog posts and wonder who that person was. SO angry. SO bitter. It's not who I am at the core of me and now that I'm out of that place I can see how much of a shock me being that person must've been for the people around me who loved me.
ReplyDeletexxx
It sounds as though you have found some peace with everything. That is a huge move forward, and it makes me very happy to hear that tone running through this post :-)
ReplyDelete