Lump in My Throat

Last night, there came a situation that brought out the cold dark seed that can emerge in my throat at times.

It doesn't bid well when one gets jolted-reminded that one was the last person to know of their own child's passing. The dogs passing the street did not know. The sounds I heard from the nearby house, signals of urban life and faceless bits of human dialogues, their speakers also did not know. Their not knowing did not make a difference to me.

But number of people who mattered to me, who I labelled as friends, close friends, family, close family knew of her passing away.

When a trigger shot my brain yesterday, I chose to go silent. I was on the brink of tears, but did not cry. I won't cry. Not in front of company of any kind...that is what I can hold from my friends, close friends, family, close family and so on.

I let that lump sit. A glass of water didn't dissolve it. My own steering of myself did. When that brooding sat perch, there was nothing I was aware or concerned of, not even Season. It was just me and that seed in my throat.

I think that is a reminder that will remain....there won't be an agenda in its emergence, but emerge it will.

We try so much to come out of mental knots and complexes we develop, atleast that is what the spiritual cleansing is about, but the mind gets attacked by new knots. I don't want to be anymore messed up.