I can't tell you what it is exactly, but I can tell you what it's like.
It's like waiting for her name to pop up somehow, somewhere in an ongoing discussion.
It's like thinking of this as her first something, and knowing that it is just a long list of missed first somethings followed by second, third, fourth somethings.
It's like feeling suffocated at your niece continuing to be the centre of attention.
It's like choking internally at the woman quipping that x got all of niece's clothes because she was the next 'girl'.
It's like wanting to say that there was a girl somewhere in between.
It's like writing her name somewhere where everybody's names have been scribbled, knowing everything will get dusted and broomed the next morning.
It's like looking at a train of baby related events and wondering where the girl's events would have been positioned.
It's like flinching at the woman's statement of how a new member will get added next year and hence the compounding workload.
It's like feeling Season kick and move to sounds of drums playing.
It's like wondering if everyone just wrote it off as a bad dream.
It's like wondering-hoping someone would ask about her or even mention her, and then feeling stressed and relieved at not having had to face the situation.
It's like realizing that a new life sleeps between me and hubby when I expected her to be there.
It's like holding on to a potential with the previous not having actualized.
It's like looking at yourself and admiring the gorgeous necklace on your throat, and grasping at how it is possible to be so normal.
It's like hot tears that roll down when someone asks whether I would have a baby shower.
It's like not wanting the baby shower as much as getting to the point of being able to hold a naming ceremony.
It's like wondering if I am compromising with this baby because of the overcast from the previous one.
It's like knowing that the most luscious fruit is the one you can't taste.
Nodding my head and sending my love. xx
ReplyDeleteNodding as well. Nodding furiously. I get this, I really do.
ReplyDeletexo
Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete(*hugs*) to you, and agreeing. So not fair.
ReplyDelete(hugs)
ReplyDeleteMore nodding here.
ReplyDeleteHugs
xxx
It must be such a dichotomy of emotions. I have thought for months now that you were incredibly brave for attempting this so soon. You have a bigger pair of ovaries than I do. Many people may gloss over her existence out of discomfort. We will never forget. Ever. She is your firstborn. Love you.
ReplyDeleteAs Kakunaa said, we haven't forgotten her. Sending many hugs and prayers... and apologies for my long absence.
ReplyDeleteI was so very moved by these whispers of what it's like for you to live everyday both with and without Lola, with and without Season.
ReplyDeleteIt's like wishing I could reach out and hug you.
beautiful post, and all of it I know true. so sorry you're having to live it.
ReplyDeleteWe have not forgotten lola and look forward to "meeting" season.
Beautiful expression of the complex emotions brought on by loss and by abundance, by hope and by fear.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs, many hugs. Moxie said it best--you are living the "between" of with and without both your babies. The way you describe it is so moving.
ReplyDeleteLola will not be forgotten. She will always be remembered and missed by us.
I, too, can't wait to meet Season!
This is so poetic. I am so sad, though, that such beautiful writing has been produced out of such pain. I think that...the love that you have poured into these pages for Lola over the past several months is rich and abundant and real. And she is alive in your heart and in all of our hearts, thanks to you. There is plenty of room in your heart for both babies - that is the wonderful thing about love.
ReplyDeleteSending you tightly squeezing hands and loving, healing energy.
Love,
Maddy
Hurting for you and holding you close.
ReplyDeleteIt's like she was the light and then she left and took it away. It's like learning to live again, in a world without her.
ReplyDeleteShe is always part of you and she is leading you to meet Season.
Trust yourself and your children.
Many hugs, my friend.
We are here for you.
Wow, chills. Love these comments and love your post
ReplyDeleteYou write so beautifully. I can't imagine how that must feel, the joy of a new baby on the way, with the sadness of your loss never far away. Thinking of you xxx
ReplyDeleteIt would be so difficult no matter what, but the obliviousness of the people around you must make it even worse.
ReplyDeleteI would love to hear more about the naming ceremony that Season will experience. I have experienced ceremonies from other cultures, but the differences and similarities are so fascinating to me.
Oh, and when Season gets here, there will be an added element. It will be OK, though. You're getting through it.
ReplyDeleteAh. Sigh. I wish... so many things, so very much. All I can do is send my love & let you know brave Lola will always be in my heart.
ReplyDeleteWow, beautiful words to so much ambivalence and heart ache.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post. It brings joy and tears to my eyes. Thank you for your kind excitement on my news too... Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful.
ReplyDeleteYou have said it all, it seems.
Your heartbreakingly beautiful words never cease to amaze me.
ReplyDeleteSending you a huge hug.