This comes from a Sunday afternoon spent at a baby's naming ceremony.
I - Looking Outside
I was there. In the hum, chatter and music, I paused to look at the children in the hall. Kids running around didn't move a thing in me. I was stuck on counting the bobbing heads.
Four babies.
Four mums with four babies. All four babies were the first kids of their mums.
All these women attended my baby shower last year, and they were either announced-pregnant or just-conceived at that time.
All of them are there except CheekyBub.
In the excited lights of that hall, I am not sure if the gray on my face showed.
Suddenly I wasn't too sure of myself. I had to walk out of the hall for some fresh air, and away from the bobbing heads, and fancy lights.
II - Looking In
I am not a jealous person. Atleast, that is not the primary adjective I would ascribe to myself.
My host did not have a professional/official photographer for the event. Her brother was taking pics. I was carrying my camera, but I kind of lost interest after clicking a couple of pics (which is equal to zero), and so kept my camera aside.
A lady walked up to me and asked me if I would take pics of her with her hubby later. I said yes to that.
My consistent impression of this woman is that if photographs are being taken, she will find a way of being in them. She would be so very fit for some glamour/show-biz kind of stint.
It does help that she is a looker.
When I walked out of the venue, she didn't repeat her request, and I forgot about it.
In the evening, I received some event pics in the mail. And in all those pics, there was just one which had me in it. And the last couple of pics were solely dedicated to this other woman and hubby.
It was then that it dawned on me as to why she never repeated the request.
Here is the childish reaction from my side: I was miffed. I was jealous. Come on, what do I get for being on time and being there?
Why did I not realize her 'work' was done and she didn't need anymore attention?
It is such a trivial matter to be miffed at, but I did get upset.
And I am surprised at myself. These kind of things usually don't matter to me, and I am not likely to enter into a 'where all I was clicked/who all I was clicked with' competition in future social gatherings, but look at me ticked off like this!!
I was surprised to see myself upset over such a small thing, and that it could matter to me.
And of course, my being absent from the pics was not because she was present in the pics, but obviously when you are mad why would you think logically like that? And you will not point it out to me, or I will be mad with you too.
What do you do when you surprise yourself over something you hadn't thought yourself capable of or overly-concerned about (especially when you discover some weakness/frailty in yourself)?
I am trying ti think about this. I think the biggest surprise for me was hearing pregnancy announcements after becoming pregnant and feeling that raging jealousy rising up in me and having to try to be rational about it. That was how I learned I would never be "cured." It sounds like it was a rough day for you, hun. HUGS
ReplyDeleteI am often surprised how irrational I can be, even though I like to think I am not so most of the times. You asked me why I am upset in my last post - yeah, ahem, precisely so. I dunno. It doesn't make me less overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, what I do when I find myself being silly, is to blog. And make light of it.
But honestly, I think you might be upset for other, bigger reasons, and only fool yourself that this little matter did it. The bigger reasons are obvious and easy to understand. The little matter is still annoying though- some people have a knack of being just very dislikable. This looker lady seems to be just the type. Hardly any other reason necessary.
Still, I am sorry you had such a day.
Hugs.
I forgive myself and try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself, because I tend to forget that so often.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't forget that.
Sending you a hug.
I have these moments all the time with my in-laws. I don't know what it is about them, but the slightest thing can set me off. My husband has 4 sisters and they have my email address rather than his, so I am privy to all sorts of things that MAKE ME CRAZY even though they are completely insignificant. Fortunately, I get to be crazy at the other end of my computer screen, rather than in person. That helps. I know it's irrational. I can't do anything about it.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on making it through the baby naming ceremony. I'd have made an excuse and chosen not to go.
I am finding myself blindingly annoyed by my pregnant co-worker. If there ever were a "smug pregnant" (like Bridget Jones' smug marrieds) this is her. But why do I care?
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it's more jealousy that I feel or just sadness/hurt when I'm in a situation like this one. I try to talk myself into thinking it's a happy moment, but then I usually end up going home with a knot in my throat...
ReplyDeleteThinking about you. *Hugs*
Carmela
ICLW#77
Stopping by from ICLW...
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you had such a horrible day. I would have felt the same way. I've been in those situations, counting those heads, and thinking mine should be there as well. It's an extremely difficult situation.
**Hugs**
Hi from ICLW. I have the hardest time seeing babies, mostly my friends babies who were born around the same time my son was born or shorlty after. I am not a jealous person but seeing their healthy babies does make me jealous. Hang in there. I know the pain will never go away but hoepfully someday it will not hurt so bad.
ReplyDeleteHere from ICLW as well (fourty eight I think). I also was not in a lot of pictures at social gatherings after losing Adrian. I was sad. Sad people do not want to be the centre of attention. Now, that i have Emma, and I am happy, deliriously happy all the time, I would be like that annoying woman, in all the pictures. It's about personality but also about stages in life, and both change as we go through life. If I surprise myself by some behaviour or feeling, the first thing I do is try to accept it, not fight it, try to understand it. It is hard though, because I am very self critical.
ReplyDeleteWe all are nowadays. Hugs to you!