How Many Children?

(This post is an anchor post. I want to re-visit it again someday in future and re-look at what I perceived at this moment, at this juncture.)

Q. How many children do you want?

I have answered that question on someone else's blog. I have also possibly spoken of it here and there on my blog.

I want two children. Maybe upto three. But definitely two.

I have never thought I will be having a single kid family. Even today, I can say I have two - my little darling who went away much too soon, and the one life I have inside me. (And Season, please do not have any CheekyBub plans, okay? I believe what she was, and what she became, but you are not taking it from your sister. Understood?)

Q. Then what's the problem?

But I wonder if I will be able to experience pregnancy again. I am not making a decision as yet. I am not saying this is my last pregnancy. But I am looking at ground reality here.

I have no income. I am away from my hubby, and I hope to return to UsualCity with this precious child in my arms, and there will be that long series of stuff that happens with a newborn in the family, and making adjustments and a general rescheduling of life. I am anticipating it already. It's a long time coming, but still I have to think of number of things.

The fact that I am shacked up at my mother's like this, means that she also has to share her space with me. Believe me, she is very happy with the fact that I am here. We were four people living at four places, and she felt lonely. And now I am here.

I pulled the rug under my own feet and decided to do something I thought was best for the welfare of this baby, and trying to give me and the kid a good chance.

Q. What drives the problem?

Me not working means I am not earning (but it also means that I get to be away from the office politics about which I am so very glad). And we are reduced to a single-income family. With commitments to some investments, and the routine expenses we incur and any increased costs post-baby, it would mean that there is no extra left in the pond unless I am chipping in too.

Will I ever be able to disrupt my life like this again? What mental changes might happen for both me and hubby once the baby is here, is a seed in the future.....but what if DH becomes fixed that he is no longer willing to 'go-through' again, and is happy enough with the kid. Maybe I will also see that POV and gel with it.

Many of DH's cousins have decided that they are happy with having just 1. What if DH is taking clues from there?

Also, TTC is very stressful. In fact, I am looking forward to a time after this baby when I am on no medication whatsoever. I want to go back to the me that only took in meals from that pretty mouth of mine and no medicines.

When I was pregnant with CheekyBub, I casually asked DH about how soon we would go back to try for another baby. He was like, 'Let's just see how it goes with this baby'. Mentally, I was thinking of something like somewhere around the kid's first birthday, but DH had no clue or thoughts on when to try again. (Which means that if ever, I am likely to be the driver in that direction in future.)

Also, I am pretty amazed at the miracle my body has repeated twice. But I also wonder that if I try and put lot of gap between the pregnancy and trying again, my uterus might forget what it has done previously. It's not a very rational fear, but it is there. Would I go back full-haul into treatments again?

Q. Has the number of children you wanted changed through your TTC journey? Would you rather leave this number question open and say as many as we can?

I won't like to leave the how many question with an answer of as many. A number makes it more real, and more objective in terms of what I am looking at.

Two. Two it was at the inception of my then-naive journey. Two it was even when I was in the thick of treatment. Then when I did get pregnant with CheekyBub, I was like 'here comes the first, and later I will go back to try for my second kid'.

Now that I am actually expecting Season, and CheekyBub's dead, I wonder if it is too risky to be thinking of wanting to go through this again.

(When I said two, God, I did not want a combination of one live and one dead kid. You got that memo wrong.)

All I know is that had CheekyBub survived, Season would definitely have been my last kid. My family building would have been completed. (But then, if CheekyBub had survived there was no chance that I would have made back to the TTC jungle in three months post-birth.)

And I hope Season you have been listening loud and clear to what I have been saying. I cannot go through May - Jan and end up the same again. Please.