(This post is not one of the posts mentioned in pro-post. This post comes fresh off the keyboard.)
The wickedest manifestation of this whole January event is that I have developed this fear - what if something happens to Birdman?
What if he dies? I know it sounds bizarre to be thinking like this, and I think I have talked about this fear once before, but it reared its ugly head again today evening, and I can't help but mentally shiver at that sensation.
I don't want to think negative. But I remain very concerned. I make him message me whenever he is out for dinner and will be coming late. I get upset if he forgets to.
I prayed to CheekyBub today - told her my fear, and I feel awful to even think like that, but I can't help. My mind wanders to it on its own.
I have to find some solution to this horrible line of thinking soon. I can't let innocuous cues and threads of our conversation hit me like a brick-bat or send me hurling into the corner.
Fear is a hard, hard thing, and given what you've been through this year it's not surprising that you are feeling this way. I hope that you have some outside help in dealing with all of the fallout from January.
ReplyDeletePrayers, thoughts, and hugs...
They say you don't know what you've got until you lose it. I know what I have got and I am afraid of losing it. I too have dark thoughts coming over unexpectedly and I try to not think about losing my baby or my husband and what I would do. I succeed most of the times to push these thoughts away. But when I am particularly emotional, I just find a corner and sob and let them run their course and then, feeling drained, I get back to my life and start doing some house thing and the physical labour helps me get over it.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. You are very hormonal now, so control is even harder to get. Do your best. And that should be enough.
Hugs.
Mina
yet another feeling you have that i know so well
ReplyDeletei repeatedly dreamed hubby's death after we lost our twins.
mostly he was falling, and i tried to catch him, and failed.
and then he was gone.
i think it must be normal.
i think of it as "praying" to my babies, too.
I believe this fear is totally normal, not wanted, but normal, following such a painful loss as you have endured. When you realize that the ultimate tragedy can happen to you, you think, "what's to stop something else terrible from happening?" I don't know how to deal with that fear, but I do know that it is normal and to be expected..I hope that helps you figure out a way to manage it.
ReplyDeleteThat fear is totally normal, and I think more than anything it takes time to conquer it. Even then I don't think it completely goes away; I know mine hasn't.
ReplyDeleteEven now, sometimes while he is sleeping, I still check that Ray is breathing.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard not to imagine all of the other unimaginable things that can happen.
xxx
I think this is the clearest sign of motherhood. Anxiety is the bonus item no one tells you about. I never worried about my husband before I was pregnant. He was in Afghanistan in 2002/2003, and I was perfectly calm. Now? I am fearful quite a bit. It's only temporarily overwhelming, but it's there. I hope your fears will be eased over time.
ReplyDeleteThree years on, I'm still afraid. I hate it when Simon is later home than he says he'll be, especially when I then call his phone, and he doesn't pick up. And it is even more terrifying when he has Angus with him. The worry is nauseating and I have no idea how to make it stop.
ReplyDeletexo
Since my dad died, I have the same thing. I think it's common. I can't rest if someone is on a long journey, if DH comes home 5 minutes late, I panic. I have phoned hospitals before, I get that irrational. It's post traumatic stress disorder, classic symptom. It eases, but I can't yet say if it passes altogether.
ReplyDeletei don't think it's unusual to worry about things like that, i obsessed about it shortly after louise was born, i'm over it for the most part, but i still think about it sometimes.
ReplyDeletei have that fear too...i fear everytime i part ways w/ my dh that something bad will happen to him and he will not return back to me. it's hard to feel those things. anxiety sucks :-)
ReplyDeleteThis is such a normal fear but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. My thoughts, prayers, and love are with you dear lady.
ReplyDeleteI have this fear, too. It started after the big boys were born and my dad's death. I couldn't bear the thought of him driving anywhere either. I still struggle with it, but I am better at pretending it isn't a big deal.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs.
I have been plagued with those types of fears. I can only imagine that losing a child would make all fears more real.
ReplyDeleteAdd a heart disease to those fears and it gets overwhelming at times!
ReplyDeleteI think about that all the time. Before we had our son a woman I knew became widowed when her husband died in a car accident on the way home from buying milk. She was left alone with her small daughter. I know people die all the time, but I never could get this woman and her story out of my head. In one sense it was good because I ALWAYS tell my husband I love him and to be careful before he goes anywhere. However, if he is more than ten minutes late I get very anxious and panicky. Convinced the police will be knocking on my door to tell me he was in an accident.
ReplyDelete