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Soar

I wonder how many spirits we collect around us. Don't imagine ghosts doing skeleton dances, but yes, spirits.

In that tiny showcase I have at home are the three crows...the ones I bought in memory of the three non-implanting embabies. After CheekyBub died, and I went to the mall for the first time, I brought home a tiny joker.

Who is that clown? Me, CheekyBub, God, Cosmic Forces - could be anybody when I am in the mood to see. The only thing that stays fixed is the saxophone pasted to his red smiling lips.

I can't have any more symbols of dead babies in my house. I thought of the crows when I was carrying CheekyBub. I think of the embabies and CheekyBub, now that Season is in my womb. I do not want to buy an object with Season's memory on it.

I wonder if I am being unfair to the new baby since I still think so much of my little girl? I hope not.

I am not scared of being unrestrained in my jubilation over this pregnancy. My joy-virginity is brutally shattered.

I am not unhappy either. When you are dented enough, you are free! Free to float around actually. All hinges are broken, nothing is anchored and the float could not be any more unrestrained.

Comments

  1. areyoukiddingme31 July 2011 at 06:49

    Hmmm...I guess when you survive something really horrible, you know you can take it. That is pretty freeing.

    And the new baby will know that he/she had a sister. Why shouldn't you remember? It's one thing to dwell on your sadness, but I do think you've gotten past that a bit. You can't and shouldn't erase that part of your life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kristin31 July 2011 at 09:12

    I don't think you are being unfair to Season in any way. CheekyBub will always be part of who you are.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Mrs. Gamgee31 July 2011 at 09:32

    Can I tell you something? I stuggle with this a little bit every day.

    It's important for me to remember my angel-babies, for me to carry them in my heart, and also in a tangible way. So important that I made a shadow box memorial for them that hangs on our family portrait wall. So important that I told my Beloved that I wanted a mother's ring with three stones on it (one for Emily, one for Olivia, and one for Ginny).

    My mom was honestly a little creeped out by both the ring and the shadow box. But how I process grief is different than how she processes it.

    Ginny will grow up knowing that there were two before her. Two that were loved and cherished, even tho they existed only briefly. I don't think it is unfair or takes anything from her.

    I love how you say, "When you are dented you are free." I can't quite articulate what it is about that sentiment, but it speaks to my soul, and I agree.

    (Good heavens, sorry for the ramble)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Stacie31 July 2011 at 10:14

    Thinking about CheekyBub isn't unfair--the happiness of Season does not erase the grief you have over the loss of CheekyBub. As Kristin said, CheekyBub will always be a part of you.

    Much love...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fran31 July 2011 at 12:54

    You'll never forget and it's still so fresh anyway, how could you not still think of CheekyBub? As I said before I know that Season, once she's here safe and sound, will bring back your smile and heal your heart. At least a bit.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Clare31 July 2011 at 17:43

    I found this post really touching. It spoke to me of pain still in your heart but also of acceptance, and the will to continue to embrace life and the future. We can never be free of pain and suffering in this life but we can learn not to let it BECOME our lives. We ride the waves in good times and bad and we can do this all the more easily the more free we are. xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. Baby Smiling In Back Seat31 July 2011 at 20:54

    If you were talking about giving less focus to a husband because of lamenting the loss of a former lover, maybe it would be unfair, but maybe not. It would still be understandable, certainly.

    We're not monogamous with babies. It wouldn't be unfair to give attention to a living child while another was in your womb. It is not unfair to think of CheekyBub and also carry Season. They are both your children.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous1 August 2011 at 01:10

    You have gone through and suffered the unthinkable. But your heart loves all your children. Don't blame yourself for loving.
    I hope you are well and that Season is growing strong. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. C1 August 2011 at 12:53

    CheekyBub made you a mother. A mother loves all her children equally right? you are always in my thoughts...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous1 August 2011 at 17:29

    This is a beautiful post and like others have said, the love you feel for CheekyBub is not unfair to Season, not even a little bit. You have enough room in your heart for both of them!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Quiet Dreams2 August 2011 at 04:05

    I am very sure that you have plenty of love to go around to all your children.

    ReplyDelete

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