It's about my mom. And me. Us.
And how I think I have managed to add more pepper to a fiery curry.
You see, my mother nags me and nags me and nags me about Pranayam. I can be talking cord length and she will eventually find a way to tell me how I need to, on a mandatory level, improve my schedule. That I need to do pranayam, and some bleh-bluh exercises. I would be talking some other issue and she will eventually wind down to pranayam and the bucketful of exercises I need to be doing. I will be talking about change in medication or some other thing, and she will eventually head over to pranayam and yeah, you know what.
And I have had it. I am not very responsive to nagging. Especially, if it is difficult to keep a tab on me.
And with her in a different city, she can't keep a tab on my day.
So, when she starts with something like: 'Next time (i.e. next pregnancy), we have to ensure you do your pranayam.', she rouses this deep sense of despise in me. And I again become very conscious of what happened and I wonder if it led to what happened. But I can't for the life of me, understand how my not being religious about exercising caused something so awful.
And then there is next time ....
And I finally lost it. I kind of wrote a loaded mail to my mom, and hit send. Oh, it felt good to hit send.
I actually cared two hoots about formatting, or choosing words that were/weren't too blunt, and I sent the mail.
I slept on it overnight, and next morning completely lost it. Why the hell did I have to write such a vitriolic letter? My mother is not a bad person, she just wants to make everything alright. I considered deleting the mail (I can access her account). I did not.
Finally, I called her and told her that I sent her an email that I wrote fresh off a mood-swing, and its horribly worded and all. This was on Thursday morning. She hadn't checked her mail till last night, and today morning I found that the mail had been opened and read. And now I am biting my nails.
I do not know if I did the right thing by sending such a thing or deciding to not undo the sending by deleting it from her inbox. I have shot an arrow and it's on-target.
And I feel bad to have become so crazed.
I had to go see what pranayam was before I could write a comment. Ahem.
ReplyDeleteNo. It did not lead to what happened. I don't know why she continues to push the issue with you unless it is her way to feel some control in this uncontrolable situation. Hopefully she'll back down on this issue now that she knows that it hurts you so.
Much love.
Im probably way off base, but here is my guess, when she says next time you need to do yoga, she may think that she's being positive because she is planning the next time? That's me giving her the benefit of the doubt.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, no one needs to be nagged, you have put down your foot, toldher its enough, that's good, now you can move forward. If it as me, and my mother, when ever she said, "you must do yoga next time" I would hear "you killed your baby because your lazy". That would make me go nuts.
Honestly, don't worry about peppering the curry, the fact that she is still in your life given the history is amazing, your a kind person.
No amount of yoga or funny arse breathing would make a difference, yes yoga is great, but shit happns, and if all anyone needed was yoga then we wouldn't be spending small fortunes to have babies.
I think you did the right thing by sending the email, even for all it's lack of propriety and lack of careful wording. It needed to be said. I don't think your mom means to be hurtful, but she should know that it does hurt.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed a pattern where your mom is concerned - she cares for you by analyzing situations and choosing her actions by placing herself in your shoes and then doing what would feel right to *her* if she were the survivor. I don't think she yet sees the disconnect between what you need and what she thinks you need.
Though the situation is uncomfortable (understatement, I'm sure), I hope that this email will help her become more aware of what you actually need.
hugs
Oh honey, she's being a mom who wants to make everything ok BUT, in doing so, it is making it seem like what happened is your fault and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She does need to understand and, perhaps you can mitigate the unintended hurt by writing another email explaining that you do love her but you were hurting.
ReplyDeleteMaybe its a good thing. Maybe it will help to get some stuff off your chest and maybe it will be good for her to hear it. Most controlling people do it for you. They truly do have your best interest in heart. Even if what they did is NOT the right thing to do. Not that I know what you told her. But maybe it is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteYou know, sometimes I snap when I reach certain points with my mother's obcessant nagging as well, but I feel like sometimes she's got it coming to her. This is a really sensitive issue with you, and regardless of whether or not you did pranayam it's not your fault that this happened. Maybe she just wants to try and help you in a situation that has touched all of you so deeply, and maybe this is what she feels you need for relaxation, centering, whatever, but you ultimately have to do what you think will work for you. Hope she understands that in the rawness of the email is alot of emotion, and that it's time to back off about it. And hopefully she's not too upset.
ReplyDeleteMy tenant's daughter took one of the worst narcotic drugs on the market throughout her pregnancy, and voila. Healthy baby. I can assure you she did no pranayama.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I totally believe in the benefits of pranayama, it changes my whole day every time I get my ass into gear to do it. BUT - nobody is nagging me to do it. And if they did... I doubt I ever would anymore.
Sometimes we say things we wish we hadn't - and you did warn her that it was written in anger... what more can you do?
The bottom line is - she means it in a loving way, and you have received it that way for as long as you could, but it needed to be dealt with one way or another and now it will. You clearly needed to have your say! Have faith in yourself and your relationship with her.
i'm sure she will understand, she is a mother herself, is she not? she can probably imagine how awful she would feel if she were to lose you.
ReplyDeletei can't say i understand how you feel, because i have never lost a full-term baby. i do, however, empathize with your out-of-control emotions as that is what postpartum depression has done to me. i hope you are able to find some peace soon.
I think it's OK you sent it, you needed to say it - even though nuances might get lost in email, but you called her and warned her about it, so she was prepared to some extend when she read it. Your relationship with your mom is obviously not easy, but you still care about and love each other. I do hope that she understands and that you can work it out.
ReplyDeleteThat's been building for a while, hasn't it? I'd say it had to be let out. I hope that, at the very least, it stops the nagging. You may have to deal with some hurt feelings for a while, but sometimes you must make it known that you are an adult with your own opinions who does not need nagging.
ReplyDeleteYou are human, it's okay. You hurt and she's your mom. I know she wants the best and this is sadly a situation that she CANNOT make better. Nothing can ever bring her back and nothing can guarantee another pregnancy would be free of complications. There is nothing you could have done in your pregnancy to change what happened. I am sure your mom wants to be helpful but nagging is not the way, nor is saying things that only cause you pain or guilt. Hopefully she will get the picture through the email and will understand the place you were in when you wrote it.
ReplyDeleteNagging not good. Saying something that may make you think you could have changed what happened (though I'm sure it is not he intention at all) definitely not good. I mentioned to you already, I think it's actually healthy to let out your thoughts even when you are angry. Otherwise people will think you are ok with everything and you are not. Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteI understand 100% how you could become "so crazed," as you put it. If she were my mom, I would be hearing how since I didn't do X, it was all my fault. And of course it is no one's fault.
ReplyDeleteI have learned to write letters with the intention of not sending them. The exercise helps me flush some of my anger at times.
Despite having an angry tone, I think it is good that you were able to send real, true, heartfelt words to your mom....she needs to be more aware of how her nagging makes you feel.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Kym's comment above---your mom seems to have difficulty understanding the differences in between what YOU want/need and what she thinks SHE would want/need in similar circumstances.
HUGS to you!
I am very proud of you for telling your mind. It is very important, otherwise things of this kind left unsaid just fester and create an unbelievable amount of puss that you cannot get over. I am sorry for things I have not said to many people, most of all my mother and mil, but not for the things I have said. If what I had to say was unpleasant and harsh, I could make it better afterwards, when the anger had cooled down. But to come back and recreate an awful moment - not good. Why live it twice?
ReplyDeleteShe is your mother. If she does not understand the horrible moments your are going through every day, then who can? She will understand and everything will be better. But only because she is your mother, it does not mean that she is perfect or always right. Your pointing out her mistakes does not make you a bad daughter.
I hope things will get better.
Much love and hugs.
I would have sent the letter too. And probably fretted over it, and worried as well. (*hugs*) But she needs to choose her words more carefully, and consider how you feel in this situation, not how she might feel. She shouldn't word things in a way that insinuate that you caused the loss of your baby, because you most certainly did not. And I'm sorry that she makes you doubt that. I know she means well, but she needs to understand that. And I hope she does.
ReplyDelete