I don't need a calendar.
It is as if my mind becomes very alert when 14th approaches. And remains so till 16th passes.
I can positively say that I am not in a funk. And don't get any deeper when the dates roll by, but my mind stays very conscious of the dates. Don't know till when this will happen. But the dates change page in my brain on their own.
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My heart skips a beat when I hear a certain kind of *beep* that seems to be registered on my mind from the time I visited CheekyBub in NICU and from the room where I was prepared for the C-section.
Now I hear it somewhere, even in environments that are non-hospital and I become very aware of the beep.
Image Courtesy - http://www.wikigallery.org/wiki/painting_238361/Katsushika-Hokusai/Kohada-Koheiji (Kohada Koheiji by Katsushika Hokusai); Image not used for commercial purpose and no copyright claimed by the blog author.
It's funny how the mind works, isn't it? I wouldn't be surprised if your consciousness of the dates will remain with you forever.
ReplyDeleteand thanks for your great comment on my blog post!!
ReplyDeleteThese dates will stay etched on your mind forever I guess. I till remember the date when I got my first BFP and the date of the subsequent m/c.
ReplyDeleteAbout the comment about arthritis. I dont know why I got it. Nothing I eat makes it worse. Its just there.
I don't think it'll ever go away, but hopefully with time the mind will be just a little less focussed on those dates and sounds. They'll still be registered but making less of an impression.
ReplyDeleteI think the dates will stick with you forever as well. They're probably two of the most important dates in your life. They say that when you're in that altered high anxiety/stress state that things you didn't really focus on, but were going on are more likely to trigger responses and memories later, like the beep in the NICU and OR. It's something you probably only ever heard during those moments that were so significant and so high stress that when you hear them in the normal comings and goings they bring back those memories.
ReplyDeleteWow, that painting is a pretty intense portrayal of human grief...
ReplyDeleteI think that your sensitivity to dates will ease in time. I'm not suggesting that the anniversary will not be imprinted on your life forever, but only that the monthly reminders will fade. This is how it should be, because you deserve to have some peace.
Thank you for your kind wishes Santo Altrove, you are generous with your heart.
It's crazy how our minds replay things like that... I can relate.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, always, and sending love...
I imagine the dates will be with you for a long time. The probable due dates and dates of loss for my miscarriages stayed with me in the beginning but, once I hit the higher number of losses, I would write down the dates so I could access them if I wanted or needed too but I made a conscious effort not to remember (yeah it's a weird way of thinking but it worked for me).
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else, somethings will stay with you forever, how can they not?
ReplyDeleteI also think the dates, and that sound, will be there for a long time (forever even). It's only natural. But I'm sure you already knew that. (*hugs*) Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI wondered if this day was hard for you when you posted wishing Miss E blessings on reaching 3 months. I know it must be hard for you to see her pictures.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it won't be every month, but I too think you'll remember the dates for a long time (if not forever).
ReplyDeleteThose dates...like so many have said, they are with you for the long haul.
ReplyDeleteI hope so many things for you and I feel so feeble trying to put them down here.