AF this cycle has been wonky. I considered seriously if I wanted to do Clomid, but I have gone ahead anyways and taken my first dose last night (1900 hrs).
I have had very light bleeding this time around. And either, it is one of those cycles, that I get as a rarity (had one like this last year), or that the bleeding will now spread to a larger number of days.
I am hoping it is not the latter, coz friction is so fun.
Things are on track. I still don't hope much. I have never conceived on Clomid, even though I have ovulated on it, and I tend to ovulate anyways, but this will be a good way to kick-start my ovaries.
I attended a birthday party last night, and the grandma of the birthday girl managed to ask me how my baby was. I told her that the baby was dead. I could not control and began to tear up and ran to the nearest loo to cry out. DH intercepted me and was standing outside the ladies room to make sure I was okay. I refused to go home and assured him that I was okay, and he said that I must leave margin for questions of this kind, because some people still don't know.
The fact that you have to deal with IF on top of your loss is just so damn cruel. I'm amazed you were even able to get out to a birthday party. I'm so inspired by how you're handling all the shitty cards you've been dealt in life.
ReplyDeleteLove to you.
xo
While intellectually you know you have to accommodate questions like that, there is simply no good way to prepare for them. {{{Hugs}}} and, other than that moment, I hope you had a good time.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite things about your words is how freely you share his. He sounds like mine. And sometimes, no offense, I want to punch him, the same way I'd want to punch mine. (eff your logic!!!)
ReplyDeleteI hope that makes sense.
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ReplyDeleteSure, you know there may be questions, but that doesn't mean that you can't drown in the grief at the moment they are asked. That is what pain and grief does to people...smacks you up side the head when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Ugh. Blogger is making me mad with this strange comment issue thing! Sorry about all the comments.
Sometimes I'm prepared for "the question" and other times it catches me by surprise. Don't be too hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteThat's a hard one, but, you did the right thing, straight forward, to the point, factual. It's okay to cry, you have a giant wound, and when it gets nicked it hurts.
ReplyDeleteI know nothing about clomid, I skipped all the sex part of baby making, but hope clomid is kind to you.
Hope the clomid does some good...
ReplyDeleteIt's a little funny - you don't really expect to have to be prepared for questions about something so tragic because you expect that everyone has already discussed it (and you) before they see you. I mean, you kind of expect it to be the leading comment whenever your name is mentioned...which is nice, in a way. It smoothes the path - and you don't usually have to answer the awkward questions. But then you're totally unprepared when you encounter someone who doesn't know. Sounds like you did a fine job of handling things, though.
I don't know what to say. I suppose it's inevitable for questions like this to still happen. And there's no way you can be prepared. It won't last long. Till then you are completely entitled to cry, the opposite would be strange. Much love, Fran
ReplyDeleteI used Clomiphene for three of my IUI cycles. It thinned out my endometrium and I found out later that it had reduced my chances of implantation. It also made no difference to my number of follicles (1-2) and my ovulation which was happening anyway. If you are using for a kick-start, and don't conceive this cycle, maybe leave it on the shelf next month?
ReplyDeleteSaying that, I hope you conceive this cycle anyway xx
PS. I really don't think you should have to "leave a margin", instruct your husband that it is his duty to pave the way for you so that you don't have to deal with any hurtful or unwanted questions.
Even though you know they don't know, it's still going to be hard when faced with those questions (*HUGS*) And I agree with Kristin, there is simply no way to prepare for them. You can come up with a response, and you can practice it out, but emotionally I think it's still going to feel like hell :( Sorry you had to deal with that hun.
ReplyDeleteMay Clomid do the trick this time around.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about having to explain again and again and again. Ick. Ick. Ick.
You can't stop the questions. Just as you can't stop reacting. I am so sorry that the blows keep coming. Hope this cycle works out better than it started. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI admire you for how you dealt with the situation and even more so that you had the strength to stay.
ReplyDeleteYou're a strong, strong woman.
All the best for this Clomid cycle!
ReplyDeleteAnd OUCH about those questions, they must be horribly painful!
(((hugs)))
I am sure that intellectually it makes sense to leave "room" for these questions. But your heart and soul will beg to differ some times. As others have said, your tears are exactly what are needed at the time if they happen to come. People will handle it, and if they don't, that's on them. You are being brave by going out into the world. As painful as it is sometimes, I am glad people ask about her. She is worth talking about. I just hope people who KNOW about what happened ask about how you are doing in relation to your profound loss...
ReplyDeleteI am reminded of what my mother said to my father at the funeral of my grandmother (her mother)--"I can be OK while I am crying."
ReplyDeleteNot sure why I remembered that now. It may not speak to you. Much love anyways.