There is something that has been weighing on my heart and I have finally decided to do something about it. I am about to compose a mail to my mother. Of course, I have already spoken to her about other things pertaining to the events of January, but the ripples refuse to die.
What do you say when your daughter asks you if she killed her child?
You answer if she did or she did not. You don't say - 'I want you to think about the future.' when your daughter seeks affirmation of 'No, you did not'. But the response that one gets is so off tangent that the brain goes munching on the question asked and response received.
'I want you to think about the future.'
When you answer like that, one of the interpretations that comes out is, "Yes, you probably did."
It is not like that I ever am going to win the stellar daughter award. I am going to write a mail and probably sit on the draft till I can press 'send'. I want her to know what I feel. After all, in my next pregnancy, I am likely to spend more time at her place than with Birdman, and I cannot live with not being able to tolerate her.
I crave her opinion, and yet I recoil when it is not what I want.
{{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteMy mind would have come to the same conclusion, even though we both know it isn't true.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs to you.
(*hugs*)
ReplyDeleteYou did nothing wrong. I can see why you'd interpret it as the way you did though. But you did nothing wrong my dear.
And think to the future? Who says you can't also think about the past? Of course you're still asking what happened, you're still looking for answers, for resolution, to know next time, and to grieve.
Thinking of you.
I very much agree with that last line. I too crave my mother's opinion and want her to support me and make me feel like I am wonderful and she's proud of me, but I get angry at her when I don't get her approval. She and I are very different people and often diagree. Its a losing battle, in my mind. (Tippy)
ReplyDeleteRegardless of what she says, you did NOT kill your daughter... You didnt... This I know for sure.
ReplyDeleteYou did not kill your daughter. And this should have been the first thing out of anyone's mouth you asked. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that she said that. [[Hugs]]
ReplyDeleteHugs to you.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to confront people we love about things they have said that hurt us. Take heart. I believe that opening up this communication will be for the best in the end. Big hugs. And yes you are a beautiful mother. Angels remembered and loved always.
ReplyDeleteWow. I think that, at some level, people of an older generation do believe that blame can be placed. It was simply lack of education combined with the need to make it someone's fault that has managed to carry on well beyond where it should have died. If it were the beginning of the 1900's, that response would have been expected, if still hurtful. In 2011, it's probably just a cultural/generational inheritance that she hasn't been able to get rid of yet. No matter how educated we get, we tend to carry on some of the ideas that our parents and grandparents had.
ReplyDeleteIt might be harder to forgive her, if you find out that she is holding on to that sort of idea. It may be best to write it off to "Insensitive things my mother has said" and let it go, if you can. (My mom says a lot of insensitive things. I am well practiced at this sort of thing. My sisters, however, can't manage it at all.)
That was a cruel thing to say to you, when I read the question, if I was your mom, I would have told you that it was not your fault, that you are a wonderful mom who did everything you could possibly do.
ReplyDeleteMy mother would have been crap response to that question to, really crap, but she's not a very nice person, and says mean things, so I have made adjustments to my life, to protect myself.
Hugs, send the message, if you think that your relationship with her can be salvaged.
Good for you! You didn't do this. You are NOT TO BLAME.
ReplyDeleteOh mate. I wish I could sit with you, hold your hand and tell you all the truths you need to hear. I'm so sorry your Mum wasn't that person for you. You know you didn't make this happen. It was a terrible thing that happened. The world knows you would have done anything for that little girl and did all you could to take care of her. *hug*
ReplyDeleteWe expect so much from our mothers...so often they cannot live up to it. They can comfort us like no other...and they can hurt and disappoint us like no other.
ReplyDeleteYou did nothing to bring this on.
You are absolutely not to blame.
ReplyDelete