For one, I have gossip value.
For two, people want the juice straight from me, no second grade and hearsay....real juice from original source.
Yeah so people ask -
For two, people want the juice straight from me, no second grade and hearsay....real juice from original source.
Yeah so people ask -
"What happened to her?"
I am bored of reciting it again and again and then realizing that people may not necessarily understand what happened actually, but rather will replace the details with the closest possible explanation that they understand. So, I say, like I told a neighbour last night -
"She took her potty in her mouth and there was cord around her neck."
Yeah, I am serious. I actually dish that out. And people nod in complete sympathy and as if they are sure of the fatal value of both the things completely.
Till a first of sorts happened (last evening). This lady (a grandma herself) asked me -
"So what happens because of that?" (as in what if the baby takes the potty in the mouth)
I replied weakly - infection.
Jeezus!
I have a hard time taking people through hypoxia, PDA and all that...I cannot use those words just like that because they will not understand. Some of them listen to the whole thing and still do not understand. Some of them, will imagine and visualize my chubby bub to have been supercritical ill kind.
Initially, I tried to explain every detail of what happened, but some people just want the twitter version. It is on their face, but they are too polite to say it. So while I am still talking to them about what happened when Ibuprofen was given to her, they will just say - 'Oh, that's bad. Just think of what would have happened if she lived with all that.'
When I was in City X, a friend called me up around 2100 hours one night and she was pulling my leg. You see, I sent out birth announcements after my baby's birth and she had received the news. She tried calling me up on 14th but I did not pick the phone.
So, anyways, she called me in Feb-end and asked me if I had finally had any time remaining. She said she was calling late because the baby must have slept by now, hopefully.
I told her what happened. And she started to cry. When she asked me what happened, I told her everything. And she told me, "You know, don't go telling everybody because not everybody will understand". How true was she!
So I give the trivial side of her story and people take it home and are happy for the juice straight from the horse.
My baby was not blue. She did not have IUGR. I was not hypertensive. Nothing went wrong till the very end. Thank you very much. But of course, what I tell and what people get to hear now is -
"She took her potty in her mouth and there was cord around her neck."
I do not have patience to talk about PDA and IUGR...After explaining the full form and telling what it is, I can't let the person say to me - 'Oh, she had a hole in the heart, right?'. Even before I am finished, they are decided about why Kaiser had to die.
Die.
Oh, hun. I am so sorry that people trivialize her death. I don't understand why they can't just listen to and hear the entire story. Both of you deserve that and so much more.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record, "what would have happened if she lived with all that"? You would have loved her with all that you have and made her as happy as could be. Because she is your daughter. And you LOVE her. And she deserves no less. What an insensitive comment to make to anyone about a child. I am so sorry.
Sending love your ways as always...
I have had similar encounters. I think people have an idea in their own mind of what went wrong - eg a horribly sick, deformed, doomed, small, monstrous child. But no. She was fully formed, perfectly healthy and chubby, all the bits in the right places and everything was going smoothly and healthily right til the 11th hour. Then she died. I think people just want to bubble wrap their brains, stick heads in sand and really believe that it can't/won't happen to them.
ReplyDeleteBut it can. It does. It happened to me. It happened to you. It can happen to anyone.
I'm so sorry.
Missing Kaiser.
xo
Hey, you might get something out of a book I read called "Layla's Story" by Vanessa Gorman. It's a gorgeous story.
ReplyDeleteReally, Lola was loved and beautiful. Most important thing but I get that is the hardest to say.
that's the hard thing with all of this. unless you've been through it, you have no clue what all of the words mean. and so you have to dumb it down for people. and for yourself, you're right. its just too much to explain to everyone so they understand.
ReplyDeleteHi--
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry people seem to need a reason that they can digest. Sorry isn't really the right word...it just sucks that people need a bite-sized story.
I saw a license plate yesterday in the parking lot at a restaurant: "LOLA-64." And I thought of you and your baby girl. I just wanted to tell you.
Gosh, I'm so sorry that people are so dense sometimes. I find that most people truly care, they just don't understand until they've actually had to deal with something like you're dealing with. Reminds me of when we were going through all of our fertility treatments and trying to explain it was like speaking a foreign language to friends and family. I think of you often and anytime I hear the name Lola, I immediately think of you and your sweet, precious daughter. XO. ((((♥))))
ReplyDeleteI like how Hope's Mama said it - she's probably right that part of the reason people can't/won't hear and understand the story of Lola is that they don't want to believe something so awful and so sad could happen, much less happen to them.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry it happened to you, to Wiseguy, to Lola.
I'm sorry... That sucks...
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that people aren't really listening, or don't want to. I hate that they're like that, but I understand what you're saying (*hugs*)
ReplyDeleteI hate that this is making it so much worse. If people ask, they should let you talk about it as much as you want (and not just the Twitter version).
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts.
I am so very sorry. My sister lost her daughter at the very end of her pregnancy. I think it was so scary for people to hear that she was a beautiful baby, that she was loved, that she was perfect, that she even looked like her cousins, but that she did not live. People cannot wrap their heads around it - and its terrible that this is causing you additional pain. I cannot imagine what you are going through and hope that things may get easier with time. And that people stop being so ignorant.
ReplyDeletePeople are so unused to the thought of a perfect healthy child not making it that the twitter version is probably the best they can handle. And the medical terms- way over their heads.
ReplyDeleteOHH honey! I wish I could reach down in your very soul and take this away! No one will ever get it quite like you!! Some of us can relate in a way but each has their own story!
ReplyDeleteI think I said this before, I always said I have 4 children but one is already waiting for us in heaven and now I tell people I have 3. Why you ask, well you already know, they don't want to hear the whole story, it's to difficult for them.......
I just realized it's almost been 4 years, I thought it had only been just 3...........
Babies dying, especially without an understandable cause (to most people, babies don't die if they aren't sick or very early. Healthy, beautiful, perfect babies CAN'T die in their minds), is a very scary thought. People can't and don't want to understand. Opens up their world a little more, makes it a little more terrifying. I'm sorry that is one more thing to deal w/on your plate. I think your short explanation is "good enough." Of course she deserves more than that, deserves her whole story to be told, how hard she fought, how so much was stacked against her just by chance, that she was so loved, how long you waited for her, how many lives she touched, that you got to meet your sweet daughter and touch her soft skin. One sentence can never capture all of that. I'm sorry there are not more people who can comprehend it all.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. It sucks having to explain it. It sucks when people don't get it. It sucks that I can't get there to hug you. But, mostly, it sucks that she isn't here. {{{Hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteXXX
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that people in your life can't stand to hear the real story. The Twitter version doesn't do your daughter justice.
I'm so sorry people don't get it. I hate when people think all I do for work is just feed babies. I take care of babies just like your little Lola for a living. Babies with meconium aspiration, nuchal cords, all of that. And it's awful to watch a family who made it through their pregnancy relatively well, have to face something completely different than what they expected. People are generally pretty ignorant when it comes to anything other than babies dying by miscarriage or stillbirth unless they've had firsthand experience with it. I am so so sorry that you can't even tell your daughter's story without people deciding what happened to her because they're not fully listening. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteUnless they have lived your life and loved and 'lost' Lola like you did (or their own Lola or their own Lyle - or heaven forbid, both), they will not understand. Even the closest of kindred spirits will not be able to fathom the depth of this emptiness and the bottomless pit of this ... hell. Trying to explain a COD in your situation would be too much for a rational mind to bear - we are all socially conditioned (until it happens to us) to believe that our babies and our friends' babies will be fine, will live.
ReplyDeleteMy only vague (for I do not know what your particular hell is like and I am trapped in my own so my vision is short-sighted) constructive suggestion is a short layperson explanation of "what happened with Lola". Something that does not allow them to make up their minds and imagine an ill baby girl, something that kindly yet firmly jolts them to reality ... yes, babies die. After they are born alive.
In the beginning trying to explain a COD for Janaki caused me much anger, by the time Little My died I thought I was a master of pain and explanation. It is only now that I realise that it is not their fault, they do not see, for they have not lived the same life as I and have not loved the same children as I. I forgive them now.
Sending you my hugs - you and Lola are in my thoughts often.
oh god, like after all you've been through you really need to rehash it a million times... i know you've found your own way to deal with it, but you're also perfectly within your right to say, "you know, i'm just not ready to talk about it."
ReplyDeleteWhat you went through is hard for all of us to hear, our hearts ache for you and your family, it's hard to process, and we can't even begin to grasp what it's like for you. I'm sorry that the ignorance and discomfort of others is causing you pain -- I wish I could bridge that for you.
ReplyDeleteEven if people ask, you don't have to give them any more of the story than you want. This is YOUR story. It belongs to no one else. I think the abridged version is all most people can handle and plenty for a grieving mother to need to share.
ReplyDeleteIt's like walking a minefield - you want to talk about your beautiful girl, and people only want some sort of explanation so they can be comfortable with the whole chain of events. One step off in the wrong direction and it seems to explode in your face because no one is really willing to listen to and understand the technical aspects - the reasons. I wish it were easier for you to find comfort - and I think this is why people don't talk about their pain in life. It's just too much work to make someone else understand. And it's work that you don't really have the resources for.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry this is happening. I get a similar thing when I say 'Matilda had a rare genetic defect' - I can see them go internally 'oh, ok that's why she died'. But it's not - most babies with BWS are OK in the longer term - most of the complications resolve after the first couple of years. But it gives them their reason, their 'this won't happen to us'. Huge hugs. Maddie x
ReplyDeleteI hate that you're in this place. That ppl have to find a way to make dealing with her passing easier for themselves instead of just being there for you...
ReplyDeleteShe is loved and she is remembered and honored.
You are loved and thought of daily and prayed for.
Sending you SO much love.
xxx
I am so sorry, mostly because people are just not listening, if you care enough to ask, care enough to listen.
ReplyDeleteI think of you so often, sending you all the love I can.
xo
People are just so naive that babies die and in their minds they want to make it seem so horribly bad that it was best for them. I hate that! She was perfect in every sense, this wasn't supposed to happen. I am so sorry. I hope people will start listening to you because they should. Her life has meaning. Thinking of you always ((HUGS)).
ReplyDeleteThat sentence sends chills down my spine.
ReplyDeleteSomething about human nature keeps us wanting to know details, probably so we can assure ourselves that we are not in danger of the same situation. But we are all in danger, aren't we?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I must confess that I thought I had commented on this post already. I have a bad habit of putting off commenting to certain bloggers, because I want to take my time with it, and then their posts pile up in my reader, which has me putting it off even more. I sometimes even read posts, but put off the commenting until I can figure out what I want to say. The problem with this plan is my memory...
Hoping to comment in a more timely manner in the future.
(This also explains why my comments often come in multiples.)