Means trying to communicate to/with God.
Do I believe in God? Yes. It would be hypocritical of me to deny it.
But I have been having a hard time thinking that He/She allowed this to happen.
I read the Chalisa during my pregnancy. I read it to myself and to Kaiser/Lola.
I read it on the morning of 14th January. When I was overwhelmed and had no other thing popping in my mind and was very anxious about Lola's fate, I used the Chalisa to soothe me. I heard it on 16th I suppose (I have it on my cell phone), and then beyond that I would just repeat it to myself mentally hoping to invoke some blessing of life for her.
Well, most of my 'saying' happened after Lola had died, but I did not know.
I keep asking everybody who tells me to keep the faith as to why my faith did not protect her.
All I know (and perhaps when I may someday develop a greater insight) is that something higher was achieved by her. As much as I try to cling to why-me and why-my-baby, I think Lola was a higher being than me.
She blessed me with motherhood even if not company. She washed off a mark on my forehead and she has become my charm.
My God has a face.
Do I believe in God? Yes. It would be hypocritical of me to deny it.
But I have been having a hard time thinking that He/She allowed this to happen.
I read the Chalisa during my pregnancy. I read it to myself and to Kaiser/Lola.
I read it on the morning of 14th January. When I was overwhelmed and had no other thing popping in my mind and was very anxious about Lola's fate, I used the Chalisa to soothe me. I heard it on 16th I suppose (I have it on my cell phone), and then beyond that I would just repeat it to myself mentally hoping to invoke some blessing of life for her.
Well, most of my 'saying' happened after Lola had died, but I did not know.
I keep asking everybody who tells me to keep the faith as to why my faith did not protect her.
All I know (and perhaps when I may someday develop a greater insight) is that something higher was achieved by her. As much as I try to cling to why-me and why-my-baby, I think Lola was a higher being than me.
She blessed me with motherhood even if not company. She washed off a mark on my forehead and she has become my charm.
My God has a face.
I don't think any of us will ever understand or know why God "allows" these things to happen. All I know is that statements like "keep the faith" do nothing except make one questions whether or not we never had enough faith or believed enough to save our babies and thinking like that is fruitless.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Pardon my assvice, but I think that when people are telling you to "keep the faith," what they're really telling you is not to be angry. Which is, of course, bullsh*t.
ReplyDelete{{Hugs}}
ReplyDeleteSadly, I think things like this happen because, when God gave us free will, he stopped controlling the course of everything. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with and hearing people tell me to keep the faith made me want to scream (like Sharon said, it seemed to imply I hadn't had enough faith even if that isn't what they meant).
ReplyDelete{{{Hugs}}}
"She blessed me with motherhood even if not company. She washed off a mark on my forehead and she has become my charm." Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. Hugs...
ReplyDeleteI love the conclusion you reached in the end. I loathe that you had to take this awful road to get to it though.
ReplyDeleteI will never ever understand why did she have to die. Call me dumb, but what precisely is the cosmic lesson to learn from this? How to live with a heart broken into smithereens? I'm sorry, I am not helping, as usual.
"My God has a face" made me cry.
ReplyDeleteHugs, my friend.
I think your insight is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI wish you weren't searching for insights.
xxx
{{HUGS}} You express yourself so well- I wish I could just sit with you and hug you.
ReplyDeleteI don't think we will ever understand it and I think it is very normal to ask why? I wish there was an easy answer for it. I hate when people say to keep the faith too because I had faith and still do but that didn't stop my child from dying. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI don't understand any of it, either - why is there such suffering in the world? Maybe God is not as powerful as we give Him/Her credit for? I don't know. But I hate it that this happened to you and that you have to wrestle with this. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
This was a beautiful post... Especially the last few lines... xoxoxo
ReplyDeletewhen our son "got sick", i struggled with the same question of "why God?"
ReplyDeleteSomething that brought me a little peace was realizing that God gives us struggles to mold us into what He wants us to be.
I became a much more compassionate person, gave up a career, and became the most patient person you'll ever meet b/c of the hardship that God gave me. Would I have preferred to not go through hell? Certainly! But, the person that I am today (the person that God molded me to be b/c of the struggle) is a better person than before shit hit the fan.
I am more inclined towards Buddhism which talks about Karma and stuff. Things still don't make sense. There is only one thing that I know - faith keeps me going. No matter what shit happens in life. I REALLY don't wanna preach, so if I sound preachy, just come and shoot me. But I am weak. Without faith I really might have wouldn't be sane today.
ReplyDeleteYou God certainly does have a beautiful face dear Wiseguy.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
I have to agree with you when you say "your God has a face". I am more inclined to believe that our children gone too soon are otherworldly beings (in that they leave their imprints on our hearts/souls forever) than believe in a straightforward g-d or in my case (our case), a multitude of g-ds. I prayed when I was pregnant with Janaki too, to Ganesha. Every morning I gave blessings and thanks for her life, and every night. I had a spiritual breakdown of a rather epic magnitude after she died. I could forgive this blank faceless g-d three miscarriages before Janaki, but after her, it seemed I could not forgive.
ReplyDeleteI really do envy those that have faith. I wish I could say "it was g-d's will" with a straight face and be at peace with that.
Thinking of you and beautiful Lola. My heart still aches that this has happened to you and your DH. (and your family, but primarily you guys).
Big hugs from here,
S
You will always be a mother - nothing can take that away from you.
ReplyDeleteAchingly powerful post. The "why" is always the hard part, isn't it? I pray for peace for you with this great loss.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful - what a wonderful, wise thought.
ReplyDeleteThe term 'keep the faith' really pisses me off.:(
ReplyDelete"I think Lola was a higher being than me.
She blessed me with motherhood even if not company. She washed off a mark on my forehead and she has become my charm."
Amazing - beautifully said.
Listen the words of "blessings"by Laura Story on u tube. It gave me new insight after losing my daughter. God never promised life without heartache but He did promise grace for the day and unending love. Our God is a loving God. Beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post. I struggle with the whole belief in God for so many reasons. I'm in awe of those who have such faith.
ReplyDelete