I met SuperGyn y'day afternoon. She would have been my OB here in City X, had I not managed to stay back in UsualCity and face the events of mid-Jan. She reviewed my papers and has ordered TSH, FBS, PPBS, Glyc HbA1C, APA Screening and Homocysteine test. I hope that nothing major emerges from all of those fun tests. (I have had the first two tests before, and they have always come out in range)
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I gained a little over 12 kgs (roughly 26.5 pounds) during my pregnancy. I, by the way, did not have much scope for weight gain. I found that I have already lost 8 kgs (17.6 pounds) from that net weight gain.
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(Read her story back to Jan 14th.)
I suffer from another guilt. I feel like I contributed to my daughter dying.
My ILs wanted me to stop working and stay home since the beginning of the third trimester. My mom also wanted me to come to City X earlier than what I was proposing.
I refused. I thought that if I could work till the end, it would be good for the expanse of time I get with the baby. I have worked till Jan 11th. And the two more days I did not work was because there were offs in the office.
Nothing was wrong or atleast appeared wrong then. I was comfortable with working and so I was. I was resting when I got tired and I maintained activities that took my stress off (TV, Farmville, books, music, meeting people). And yet, it all started going wrong.
I think I took it for granted that Kaiser/Lola would arrive safely. I became too accepting of that idea.
To be fair, I had dead-baby notions in my entire pregnancy, but every appointment/ultrasound later, I would sigh with relief and that 'taking for granted' began there.
One more thing that is there is that it is not that no babies are born or managed in UsualCity, but its facilities just do not match with those that are existing in City X. By choosing to not depart till almost the end, and my complacency I permitted Lola to be handled in UsualCity.
She was taken care of by Dr. T but he was not the attending paediatrician. The attending paediatrician (who was present during birth) refused to believe that something was grossly wrong with Lola and it was only a couple of hours later that her life was handed over to Dr T. The time lost in between is the black hole that could have changed the outcome. Could it have?
One logic would be that it is not my fault at all. That had I travelled to City X and had the death still occurred, what would I have said then? This reasoning implies fate into her death - as if she was destined to die.
The cosmic joke is that Lola's Apgar score was 8. Do infants with that score die after two days?
You did not contribute to Lola's death. I think this is a common thing that parent's who lose a child feel. Working does not contribute to a baby's demise. If it did, doctor's would routinely advise going out beforehand, but they don't. Most babies with Apgar's greater than 8 do fine, but that number is really only indicative of how the baby is transitioning to life outside the womb. I have no idea exactly what happened as I wasn't there, but freak things happen all the time unfortunately that aren't anyone's fault in particular. It's hard for the parents, doctors, nurses, everyone to comprehend. I saw a situation like that myself just a couple of months ago. We are all still wondering what in the heck happened. I continue to pray for your family, and I truly hope that as time goes on and you begin to process the overwhelming grief of losing Lola, that you will have peace that NOTHING you did caused your daughter's death. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI don't believe for a second that you contributed in any way to Lola's untimely passing.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that the answers you are searching for and where you're finding yourself at now, searching for blame is all part of the grieving process.
(((hugs)))
Nothing you did or didn't do caused Lola's death. It's an incredibly hard thing to accept, and it's part of the healing process, but sometimes bad things just happen. Blaming yourself will not make things better... quite the opposite. And I know that knowing something in your head, versus understanding it with your heart are completely separate things.
ReplyDeleteAbiding with you...
This was not your fault. Not your fault. I hope you can believe that one day. Two and a half years later, I almost believe it for myself. It does appear normal to feel this way though, at least that's what I can gather from all the babyloss blogs I have read.
ReplyDeleteMy love to you.
xo
It's not your fault. It's so incredibly unfair, so painful, and the thought that it could perhaps have turned out differently, that it might have been something you did, must be almost unbearable. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this place.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.
You know it is not your fault. And you also know that it is absolutely normal to try and apportion blame somewhere for this illogical and immensely wrong event, and since you are wise and kind not to blame anyone else, you are the one left to carry around the guilt, blame, and the entire cohort of dark feelings that come along.
ReplyDeleteHow could everything go so wrong, when it should have been so straightforward and right? I so wish someone could give an answer to that. Lola is sorely missed, and not only by you, I hope you know that.
I am so sorry!!! It's so hard!! It will get easier to bear but will forever be there...... inside!!
ReplyDeleteIt's been almost 3yrs for me and I still "wonder" and take the blame for some of the things that maybe I "shouldn't" have done.
Thinking about you.
ReplyDeletenot your fault
ReplyDeletenot your fault
not your fault
* unless you were digging ditches or similar, working was not wrong and was probably even of help, to continue the normalcy of your life.
* all pregnant women are afraid of miscarriage or stillbirth, it is not a premonition of any kind.
* they baby was compromised by hypoxia, and nothing could have changed the course of events (and the first doctor had the high apgar score to look at). Dr T couldn't have changed it.
More importantly, just because it is NOT YOUR FAULT does not reflexively mean that it was fate or doom of some kind. I hope you don't take the knowledge that you didn't do anything to hurt your baby to mean that her death was preordained.
You are a good woman.
The "what ifs" are always going to be there. But the thing you need to let go of is that feeling of guilt. Because you did what was best at the time for you and her. If work would have been an issue, your doctor would have prescribed bedrest. The apgar score would have fooled either doctor. It is not your fault.
ReplyDeleteYou did nothing to cause any of this. I know it is hard to grasp that but you have to believe us. Your always in my thoughts and prayers ((HUGS)).
ReplyDeleteYou are innocent. There are guilty parties in your situation, but none are guilty of causing her death, but rather of dealing with the aftermath poorly. Nothing that anyone did caused her death.
ReplyDeleteI understand wondering, but you dear did not contribute to her death. You couldn't have known, and you did the best you could. Do not blame yourself, please. It's not your fault. (*HUGS*)
ReplyDeleteNo, not of your doing. You loved her and only wanted the best for Lola, always. Not your fault.
ReplyDeleteBabies with APGARS of 10 can die minutes later, stroke, hemorrhage, heart failure, neuro issues. Unlikely, but you know that means it happens to someone out there. An 8 means she did well coming out, breathing, heart beating, transitioning to world outside the womb. There was no way of knowing anything from that 8, no clue of what was to come.
Sounds like she had catastrophic difficulties, ones that were of such magnitude that perhaps nothing would have made an impact. Poor sweetheart had alot of things working against her, none of them caused by your actions. It just HAPPENED. I hate that there is no easy, definitive answer, no closure, nothing to pinpoint blame on. I am sorry you are traveling this road but know there are many hearts walking it along with yours.
Ditto to everything Searching said. Not. Your. Fault.
ReplyDeleteSo many times, the technology and resources available are completely removed from the outcome. My mom is a pediatric anesthesiologist. After I lost my babies she was sitting down with me trying to impress on me the ‘fate’ theory. She told me two stories that reinforced her faith in the concept.
ReplyDeleteThe first was the story of a little boy, where the surgeon made a major mistake during the surgery, creating complications that should have killed the child. In the next several minutes, several other things went wrong on multiple levels making things even worse. Nobody could believe it, but somehow that child pulled through. Everyday my mom would go in thinking that the child could not have lived through that night, but there he was, hanging on. On the other hand, there was another surgery my mom attended- it was a routine minor surgery, nobody made any mistakes. Halfway through, inexplicably, out of nowhere, the child went into cardiac arrest and despite every heroic attempt made to save him, he died on that operating table. From a medical standpoint, everything was stacked against that first child, while they were stacked in favor of the second. But yet, the first lived while the second died.
These things are not in our hands. We can try futilely to understand the whys and try to play the what-if game, but they are simply beyond our scope. Don’t blame yourself,please. You were a loving mother, the best she could have asked for.
We can't anticipate things like this- no one can.
It's so hard not to blame yourself or to ask every what-if question possible. When I lost my babies, I became sure I had eaten bad food at a restaurant a few days before. I was so certain of it that I would have gladly placed my life on it.
ReplyDeleteAlmost three years later, I can look back on their deaths and realize that *it just happened*. I don't know exactly why, but I know that it did. I don't know whether it was meant to happen that way, but I know that it did. I'm not a particularly religious person, so those facts have become my comfort over these years.
I hope you find some comfort and can someday realize that Lola's death was not your fault.
hope you will find some peace in the years to come with this. but i agree with everyone here. !) its normal to feel this way and 2) in no way, shape or form, was this your fault. none.
ReplyDeleteOh Wiseguy, it was not not not your fault. Not in any way, shape, or form. Nothing is in our control. XXX
ReplyDeleteOh hon... Not your fault. Not at all. I dont have the answers... Even if I did, they wouldnt be good enough. But I know, 100%, this was NOT your fault.
ReplyDeleteOh kiddo. It's not your fault. You know. We all know. But I'm sure that it would actually make you feel like you had some reason, some control of a situation that was just, in the end, tragic and oh so heartbreakingly sad. I'm sure if you feel you could place your finger on something that is tangible, you could have a hint of closure and a road map for the future. Don't beat yourself up, although I know it's hard. I do it every day too.
ReplyDeleteIf I had only...
not gone for a walk that day...
pressed my OB more...
not had a 2 hour doctors appointment...
gone to the ER earlier...
etc.
This is horrible. You and Birdman hold each other tight.
Perhaps the better questions you should start asking yourself is...
How can each and every thing I do help me and Birdman through our grief and to celebrate our eternal love for precious Lola.
Oh and know that I am just sending sooooooo much love and kindness over the Pacific to you.
ReplyDeleteNo, sweetie, none of this was your fault. It is easy to look back and pin the blame on yourself, because it has to be someone's fault, right? But it isn't. It is just a shitty thing that happened. And you're left with all of the "what-ifs" churning through your mind.
ReplyDeleteAs always, thinking of you and sending you much love.
Jacksmom: Could not find your blog/mail id, so I will leave my Thank you here...I hope you read this. Thank you so much for your kindness.
ReplyDelete