The title affords me to mess my text, fudge sequence and be non-sequitur in my paragraphs.
I think I am a strong person. I told that to Birdman the other night we were returning from raiding the local food joints. Birdman’s colleague, his wife and nine-month old daughter were there and came to meet us. Not only did I say ‘hello’ to the kid, I even took her in my arms and baby talked with her. I was ‘watching’ myself if I could handle doing it and I could. It was the first time since January that I held a baby.
I am still having my reservations over people – meeting them and talking to them and things like that. I just don’t want to do it. In about a fortnight, I will go back to work and maybe that will crack up this crust for me.
I keep fighting this blue-bug that settles on me at random moments and sometimes hours at a stretch.
I was reading past entries from my blog (and specifically the letters to Kaiser) and I find that it was such a happy time…it was such an incredibly beautiful time…it just makes me want to go back to 2010…and my birthday which we spent eating at a restaurant that had been recently fumigated and hence had a little ‘stench’ and the quiet two-of-us kind of a meal we had on New Year’s.
I spent so much time thinking of how things were going to be different for all occasions and festivals and our birthdays, anniversaries and all…and look at me now. Here, I am and in this one year, I have gone from incredible delight to that rolling in the pit of pain I did not know I had.
And I want to be pregnant.
And I want Lola to not have died.
But I want to be pregnant.
I want Lola too.
She should have been here for all the little babies that are about to come in our family (Birdman’s two Brothers will be dads this summer).
Going through the kid’s section at the store? Wow! That has changed so much for me. As an infertile, I would look at stuff fondly and take notes, but I remained nagging-aware of my lack. When I became pregnant, I finally felt like my chance had come. I took notes and looked at all the things I wanted, and there was satisfaction in the fact that eventually I will be back to cart it off to home.
And now? It’s like the graveyard of commercial aspirations for the baby gone too soon. Now that I know that my child was a girl, that I know how beautiful she was, that I know what she looked like, I can only crave and wilt for her at the aisle.
And oh, today is CD1.
You are truly a strong woman. I wish things were different for you and that you never had to find out how incredibly strong you are. Best of luck with getting back to work and big hugs!
ReplyDeleteYou really are a strong woman, and I wish so much things hadn't turned out this way. (*hugs*) Lots of hugs on going back to work in a couple of weeks too... I know it's not going to be easy. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteYour strength comes through even if your darkest moments. I can totally get the wanting your child and wanting to be pregnant too... It's a hard place to be. I wish I had some advice; I can only say that, as painful as it is, you will survive and come through this... And, in that, Lola will be here too.
ReplyDeleteYou continue to show your strength every day in many ways--one of which is to get up and face the day ahead even as hard as it is. You've got more strength in your little finger than I do in my whole body.
ReplyDeleteSending my love to you...
UGH. Screw CD1. I ... I don't even know what to say.
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you...nay, happy for you, that you were able to hold a baby and babytalk. I can't even imagine how unbelievably hard that is for you.
Sending all my positive thoughts and happy energy your way...
You are so strong! To have held the infant, kindly, played with the baby... That takes a very deep strength. I know it has been forever since you held Lola, but also it seems such a short amount of time has passed. You ARE strong.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you will never have your Lola sleeping peacefully in your home. I do hope you are able to experience the joy of being pregnant again. You truly did sound so happy. It will be different than it was with Lola, but I pray you find some happiness in it.
ps- I passed by the Lola streetsign again & pulled over to take a shot with my phone. Then I saw 3 ghetto folk on the corner house and 2 others across the street, all watching me. It is a very bad neighborhood, & seeing as I do not want to witness a drug deal or get shot, I pretended to consult my GPS & hurried on my way. Maybe next week I will be more successful!
CD1 needs to take a hike. Like, now.
ReplyDeleteOh, and you are incredibly strong. I'm glad that you can recognize that in yourself. I think this blog is a monument to your strength -- and every time you come here and tell us about Lola, your strength comes through and her memory touches us.
I wish so much that your wants could come true, Wiseguy. My heart aches for you. Lola is real to me as I'm sure she is to your many followers.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
You are very strong and beautiful person and I admire you for leaving comments on my facebook, not everyone would be able to do that and today when I was driving home, the sky was so pink and I thought if Lola liked pink and if you can see this sky where you are, too ...
ReplyDeletexoxo
m.b.
Oh honey...I wish so much for your wishes to come true. {{{Hugs}}} and love.
ReplyDeleteHon, I'm gutted reading this. How I wish that it were within my power to give you even a fraction of what you long for. Know that you are an amazingly strong woman... incredibly strong.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong! You are stronger than even you can know!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe how strong you are. I'm craving and wilting in sympathy.
ReplyDeleteCD1. Ugh. I <3 you Wiseguy, I really do. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteWhat everyone else said. You are incredibly strong. I can't imagine how that must have felt to hold that baby.
ReplyDeleteSorry about CD1 adding insult to injury.
Hope you're ok and you are strong.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the whole being around people thing. I go back next week and I'm not looking forward to it!
i would be bumblin too.. i totally know what you mean about the people thing too. even though i haven't experienced the same loss, when i have a failed ivf cycle, i feel like i just don't want to be with people and make stupid small talk.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very strong person. People can be tuned out.
ReplyDeleteAnd CD1 sucks.
Many hugs, dear.
Yes, you are very strong, and I knew that before this happened. I can only imagine what the children's section feels like to you. Much love and many hugs.
ReplyDeleteWow, you are so strong. I am not sure I would have been able to hold that baby much less make eye contact. My heart still hurts for you.
ReplyDeletecd1 again? ugh!!!!!!!!!! not.fair.either.
ReplyDeleteYou are very strong and I admire you so much!
ReplyDeleteYou are strong beyond words, and holding and talking to a baby? Wow. I think it is because, like your father said, Lola made you a Mother. You will always be her mother, she will always be yours. We all wish we could take your hand and walk you away from that aisle for now. Wishing all the best for you.
ReplyDeleteI think you are strong Wiseguy - to be able to feel those reservations, and yet go on and see people, to be able to feel your sadness and keep breathing through it. All these first anniversaries without her are likely to be pretty sharp - I know I often felt like I was re-living 2009 at the same time as living 2010 - maybe it is our brain's way of trying to grasp at that delight of being pregnant in order to mourn for it.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your support over at mine. xx
Oh man. I don't know what to say except that you are so strong; at least, that's what comes across in your words.
ReplyDeletecongratulations on quitting farmville, i'm very proud of you!!
ReplyDeleteYou are SO strong. Like Michele said, the depth of our strength shines in our darkest moments.
ReplyDeleteI know you didn't want to HAVE to be strong, but you are. It's a sucky journey but we're supporting you everyday.