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I can't believe this is ME

What just happened?

How come I found myself pregnant, enjoyed a problem-free pregnancy and then ended up like this?

It is awful.

I will be 34 this year...and darn, when I turn that age, Lola would have been a fortnight short of her first birthday.

But this is me.

I feel awful. How could I have had such a great pregnancy and then lost it all out at the last stage?

Sounds so much like those duff titles and positions I have messed up on...

I was not ready to lose her. I am not ready to be this.

That I lost her is one thing. That she had to struggle so much, makes me so sad for her.

Comments

  1. Stacie1 March 2011 at 14:27

    I don't understand it either...I will never understand it. The only word I can come up with in my head is that this is so very wrong.

    I continue to think of you often and send my love your way always.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sharon1 March 2011 at 14:40

    I am a complete loss myself. I don't understand either. Can we ever understand? Would we even want to understand, to comprehend something so horrible???

    (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  3. theclam1 March 2011 at 14:49

    It defies comprehension. You and Lola are in my heart and prayers - always.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mrs. Gamgee1 March 2011 at 15:21

    Holding you in my heart and in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hope's Mama1 March 2011 at 15:21

    It is so horribly cruel and unfair and my heart remains broken for you. And for Lola. You were both so robbed.
    xo

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  6. Mina1 March 2011 at 15:22

    I think that no one can understand it.
    Your daughter fought so hard... Why did it have to happen to you? Why?
    You are living truly awful times.
    Thinking of you, my friend. Many hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Jacksmom1 March 2011 at 15:49

    It isn't fair at all. I check in every day to see if you've posted and I don't even know you, but I worry about you, and I feel for you. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Maddie1 March 2011 at 17:13

    Huge hugs. My Matilda had to fight so hard as well. It all sucks. Maddie x

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  9. C1 March 2011 at 17:32

    It is so unfair, what you are going through, and what your little Lola had to go through.

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  10. E1 March 2011 at 17:37

    This should never have happened.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Pundelina1 March 2011 at 18:17

    All I have is ((hugs)) for you dearWiseGuy, Lola should be here in your arms, this should NOT be you. It is all so very wrong and unfair.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Brenda1 March 2011 at 19:18

    I agree, it is so unfair. This was not the way the story was supposed to be written. Much love and all peace to you, my friend.

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  13. Michele1 March 2011 at 19:51

    Oh honey... To say it is unfair just doesnt give those words enough umph. It's beyond that.

    Sending much love and many hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sushigirl1 March 2011 at 20:09

    It's just incomprehensible, and completely unfair.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Barbara1 March 2011 at 20:28

    I can't believe this is you either.

    I can't believe that you have to come to terms with this new life as mother to a missing child.

    I can't believe the utterly stupid unfairness of it all.

    Lola should be here.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  16. AnotherDreamer1 March 2011 at 21:31

    (*HUGS*) I can't believe this is you either. I couldn't believe the news, the unfairness of it all. The transition so abrupt, the pain so intense.

    Thinking of you Wiseguy.

    ReplyDelete
  17. ShawLove1 March 2011 at 21:37

    it's not fair and it's awful indeed.
    Lola is in heaven now, and she's not struggling or feeling pain, try and find a tiny (tiny) bit of comfort in that.

    *hug*

    ReplyDelete
  18. Alex1 March 2011 at 23:07

    It's not fair - at all. I'm in disbelief as I'm sure you are as well.

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  19. conceptionallychallenged1 March 2011 at 23:45

    I'm so sorry. For you, and for Lola, and that she cannot be with you now.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Elana2 March 2011 at 01:09

    It is a horrible shame what happened, but I pray that you find peace long before your birthday...and maybe even another miracle.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Quiet Dreams2 March 2011 at 03:30

    I still find the whole thing unbelievable. Like a sudden shock of cold water. Your pregnancy was such a sweet miracle that gave me hope (and many others, I am sure). Many hugs to you, again and again.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Lisette2 March 2011 at 04:50

    It is so unfair and so cruel. Sending you lots of ((HUGS)). I know there is nothing really to comfort you right now. Praying for peace in your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Alana2 March 2011 at 05:23

    I too am a new reader who has been lurking... wanted to let you know you and your DH have been in my thoughts TONS recently as you work through the awfulness of life without your sweet, beautiful girl. Hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hanen2 March 2011 at 07:51

    oh hon. It is so awful. It is. I think a huge part of grief is having to re-write your identity, and when the person you are grieving is your newborn daughter, you are also re-writing your identity as a mother at the same time. I don't know about you, but 14 months later I am still in that re-writing process - sometimes feeling on top of it, sometimes feeling like I've fallen under the wheels.

    Sending love xxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  25. katery2 March 2011 at 09:57

    i am so completely heartbroken for you, i wish i could make it stop hurting, even just for a second. thank-you for thinking to check on me when you have so much of your own stuff going on.

    ReplyDelete
  26. MrsSpock3 March 2011 at 04:33

    Utterly unfair in every way.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Kathleen3 March 2011 at 07:54

    i hate this journey. i hate that its part of me. i hate that it invades every day every night... and i hate that you have to deal with it in a different way that you expected to... so truly unfair. i hate it for you.

    ReplyDelete
  28. one-hit_wonder3 March 2011 at 08:42

    There is no way to comprehend this. :(

    ReplyDelete
  29. Billy3 March 2011 at 23:17

    ~hugs~

    ReplyDelete
  30. Kelly23 March 2011 at 01:30

    I hate this. I hate that you're going through this. I hate that this happened to you. It's not fair.

    ReplyDelete

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