Her Story

Jan 10th

My mother came reeling from the devastating in-utero death of a family friend’s daughter’s baby. Baby had died in-utero and the mother did not realize it.

I used my lunch break to go meet Dr. BS for an ultrasound. With me were Birdman and my mother. The sonography revealed that Kaiser was measuring ahead and had a loop of cord firmly placed around the neck. My mother was intuiting and worried about the cord length (there is actually no way of finding out the length of the umbilical cord, unless when the baby is being delivered). She and Dr. BS, in consultation decided for the C-Section.

I was sent to Dr. W for another scan and better peek at Kaiser. There he checked various parameters and asked for a repeat scan for 13th. The fetal position was not permitting a satisfactory view. Plus, Kaiser’s weight at that point of time was slightly below what he wanted to see in the newborn.

A tentative date of Jan 14th was set. The original plan was for me to travel to City X with my mother and stay there till my delivery and a little beyond. That plan now stood scrapped.

I went to work on 11th as well.

12th and 13th were an off and I used 12th to meet my research guide.


Jan 13th

I woke up feeling a little sad that this would be the last calm morning of having Kaiser inside me. I would so miss him/her moving.

We went for the scan at Dr. W’s during early evening, and he gave a go-ahead for the C-section.

Between Jan 10th and Jan 13th, I had already been injected twice with steroids to strengthen Kaiser’s lungs (even though no problems were being visualized at all).

I remember distinctly Kaiser moving a lot (more than the usual) in the evening after we came home. I thought my baby was making a last show for his/her momma. I rubbed my belly and thought that time to meet Kaiser had finally come.

I had my dinner and we went to sleep. My mother was sleeping with me. I woke up around dawn (it must have been about 4 o’clock in the morning) and was lying on my right side. I felt regular kicks on my left side. My mother was awake and we placed our palms on my belly, feeling Kaiser’s kicks.

(Dr. BS was away to another city and was expected on the morning of Jan 14th.)


Jan 14th

I had not been able to sleep much. I was awake and alert early, and my bowels were jammed into inaction. I had a cup of tea and knew that not much would come to me anytime soon. I bathed indulgently and got ready. I had shopped a bit on the evening of 11th and I went through my bag a final time. My mother had already taken charge and that put me at ease.

We had an extra bag prepared that I was nagging to take along. Finally, my mother conceded that the bag would be brought ‘in the next round’.

We loaded ourselves and the bags into the car. I was cheerful. My C-section was to happen around 2:30- 3:00 in the afternoon. We were reaching the hospital well in time. It was 10 o’clock when we left home.

In my hospital room, I finally changed into the hospital gear, was given an enema and my BP was taken. My BP was 120/80. Perfect.

My blood was drawn for some testing and the nurse checked for the fetal heart rate. A little later, I was wired to the Cardiotocograph for monitoring the fetal heart rate. This is where everything starts going downhill.

The fetal heart rate began fluctuating wildly. It went wild with recordings at 93 bpm to 160+bpm. Lola was in distress.

Anesthesiologist was called early. I was shifted to the operation theatre. Dr. BS was not yet there. My mother scrubbed and got ready. I was given a spinal. Dr. BS came and the operation was underway.

At 1243, Kaiser was out and with a very strong cry. The relief was palpable. But there were several things –

Kaiser was cleaned and put in the nursery. She was introduced to the family. I was cleaned and wheeled out into my room. I was told that Lola would be in my room by the evening.

Family, Guests came and thronged my room beginning early evening. Birdman and I sent out birth announcements. We were very happy.

My mother stayed back with the baby girl. She noticed in-drawing of the chest. When she requested the attending pediatrician to have a look, he told her that she was being too hyper and it was nothing. The in-drawing continued.

That very evening, Lola was shifted in an ambulance to another facility with way better care under Dr. T.

I was told Lola was under observation for 24 hours and then she would be back. Lola’s tryst with the NICU had begun.

Dr. T had number of tests conducted on the little girl.

Jan 15th

The tests on Lola indicated -

I was informed of Lola having (1) and (2) the very same day. Lola had improved overnight at Dr. T’s.

I had no inkling of what was to be. I asked Birdman to get me a picture of her (besides the two we had from 14th).

Visitors came by. I was on Intra-Venous drip and patiently waiting for the baby girl to come to me.

Birdman came in the evening. The picture was of Lola lying on her NICU ‘bed’. The oxygen tent had been lifted for the picture.

That same night around 11:30 my mother (who stayed with me in the hospital at all times, including night stay) received a call that Lola’s condition was worsening. Her oxygen saturation (??) had gone down to as low as 51 percent in the oxygen tank. I was not told about this call till days later.

Jan 16th

On the night of Jan 15, a nurse attempted to take my BP reading from the left hand - the same hand where the intra-cath was there. I flinched in pain and gave the girl a piece of my mind.

In the morning when an injection was introduced into the intra-cath, blood spurted out. I finally had it. I screamed. I was already filled with misgivings. My baby who should have come to my room by the evening of Jan 14th was nowhere in sight, and I had the feeling that the more I waited, the baby was just getting shifted farther and farther away.

I refused any more drips.

We got the call. Lola had been put on the ventilator. My mother went away to Dr. T’s facility. One of Birdman’s colleague stayed by my side.

Around 1045, my mother phoned me up and asked me if I could sit up and come to see Lola there in Dr. T’s NICU. I wanted to go. My parents came in an ambulance to take me to the other facility. I went inside.

I remember being introduced to Dr. T.

“He is Dr. T who is taking care of the baby.”

I did not respond. The statement was repeated.

“Just please save my baby.”

We went into the NICU. Lola lay quietly.

I had seen her on 14th and then on 16th morning. She lay still and wired to the machines. I got to touch her forehead.

Today, when I think of that moment, I just wished I should have just lifted my baby girl up in my arms. She did not deserve just a touch on her forehead. She deserved the warmth of my hands. She did. She did. She did.

I was still hopeful.

I was sent back to the hospital where I was to remain till the 22nd.

That same evening Lola lost her fight for life.

Unfortunately, I do not remember much about what I did that evening. My mother obviously knew.

In the intermittent time, plan had been made to take Lola to a critical care facility that was superbly state of the art in Very Big City. Lola was not able to make it. She had died before she could be transported.

Lola never made to Very Big City. I came to know of that only on the 22nd.

Lola’s funeral happened the same evening.


Jan 17th – Jan 22nd

We shifted rooms inside the hospital for some reason. Birdman and a Mr. Benevolent came to meet me in the hospital and told me of the plan for Very Big City and that Lola would be under the best care there. Birdman and Mr. Benevolent made me promise that I won’t cry and that they were leaving for Very Big City immediately. Birdman promised to stay in touch with me through the cell phone.

I remember being in a good mood after they left. My daughter was going to get better, after all.

I used the remaining days for healing and sleeping and recovering from a throbbing headache I had developed from the spinal anesthesia.

Birdman used to SMS me three times a day and my cell phone was my lifeline.

On 22nd, my stitches were cut and I was sent home. This was around 1300 Hrs.

I settled in my bedroom. I even got a call from a colleague and I spoke to her. She asked me to stay strong, but I thought it was because of Lola’s ongoing battle.

A little later, Birdman and the troupe walked in. Internally, my alarm bells set off even before he opened his mouth. Birdman could not have been here if he was there with our daughter. Birdman could not have appeared clean-shaven if he was hounding a hospital 24x7 in a different city.

Since that day, I just piece all the information together. For all that I could witness and could not, there is a patchwork quilt that my mind keeps on making from the accounts I got from different people.

If I could handle it on 22nd, why I was not considered mature enough to be told on 16th night itself?

I received a mail from my brother recently. I can’t divulge what was in it, but I know that the decisions were taken in a very tense moment, medical ethics was compromised, and some courses of action were preferred. Doctors do not prefer to perform surgeries on their own family, for a reason. I come from a family of doctors. That everything could get so clouded is beyond me.

The emotional cost that I now bear, the part that I can spell out and the one I can’t, it all stays with me.

I do not think in terms of forgiveness really. I do not really want a closure too.

I only hope for Lola to know that I loved her. Birdman loved her. I only want her to know how much she was wanted. I only want her to know that she will forever be my first-born.

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Lola’s fight in abbreviation as I know from the file I received from Dr. T states