I am the sort of person who asks too many questions.
Why did you not tell me? I have hounded people around me with that question. Backed with the pseudo moral high-ground I now seem to have, I have asked them this, punctured their ears with my question.
Not too many questions followed the answer I got.
Why did you not tell me? I have hounded people around me with that question. Backed with the pseudo moral high-ground I now seem to have, I have asked them this, punctured their ears with my question.
Not too many questions followed the answer I got.
Love. And medical advice.
That they had to hold on to ensure the recovery of the person who remained.
I asked the question directly and indirectly, and got the same answers.
They made a decision they considered best in the situation.
What would I have done? I was asked the question.
I would have told.
Let the final goodbye be said.
Yes, I would have compromised the recovery of the person, but the bereaved would live with a lesser (who can define 'lesser' here, anyways) pain.
Because of whatever happened, I will always carry the upset I feel at not having had a chance to hold her close, and say my goodbye.
I have even more upsets, the stupid things I did, and the tacks I kept beyond 16th, hoping to see my girl soon.
There was a chasm in the family over this. Two of my aunts were after my mother to tell me sooner.
One of my aunt sent me a mail of consolation on 19th. If I had a better and less knotty access to the internet, my protecting family's cover would have been blown sooner and worse-off.
And then, yesterday I asked Birdman about whether we needed to apply for a birth and death certificate for Lola. And I came to know that Birdman had the death certificate already. That my mother asked him to tear it, and not show it to me.
The hiding has to stop.
I threw a tantrum after that. Things cooled off and I have made people understand that it won't do any good.
They ensured my recovery but can never prevent the regret I feel for not being closer to my little girl. To not have held her. To not have given her a good squeeze. To not have held her hands. To not have been able to give her a final kiss...
My questions don't end...
If Goddess X saved my life, why not Lola's?
Why was there fetal distress that set off the fatal chain of events?*
Why.....?
^WiseGuy^
* - I will write a proper post on Lola's short waking life. Soon.
I can completely understand how upset you are about this secrecy. Its wrong for anybody to treat us like we are made up spun glass...we can deal with anything, even the nightmares and you had more of a right than anybody else to know RIGHT away.
ReplyDeleteI'm repeating myself here because I cannot say it enough-- I'm so sorry.
Oh Wiseguy, I'm so sorry you never got to hold Lola and say goodbye face to face. But I hope you can still feel her around you and are able to say goodbye in your own way. I honestly don't know how i'd get through this sort of news, I've been walking around these past days since hearing of your news and I can't get you out of my head. What you must be going through, its just unexplainable. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI agree though, the hiding has to stop. You are an adult and you are stronger than your family is giving you credit for, there is nothing to gain from being kept in the dark even more. I hope your family respects your wishes.
Lots of love. Thinking of you.
I agree that the your recovery MAY have been compromised had you been told but now you not only grieve but also possibly feel guilty because you never got to say that goodbye.
ReplyDeleteThey had your best interests at heart but in doing so they took away your chance to hold your daughter and say goodbye to her - you were, ARE, strong enough to deal with that.
What they did would be unforgivable in my eyes.
Sending you big hugs and hoping each day brings you a little more peace.
~x~
I'm just so sorry. In two and a half years of missing my own daughter, I haven't come across a story like this. I'm rendered practically speechless each time I visit here now.
ReplyDeleteI am simply shattered for you and wonder how on earth you will ever forgive. I'm not sure I could.
Oh I'm just so sorry. So very, very sorry.
xo
Oh sweetie...my heart just breaks for you. I'm sure knowing it all might have compromised your recovery but at least there wouldn't be these regrets and what ifs. I hope and pray you find some peace soon.
ReplyDeleteMy heart tears more and more for you each time I think of you and your little Lola. All of this is so, so wrong.
ReplyDeleteYou are right to ask why and demand answers...I only wish that those answers would bring some peace instead of intensifying the pain.
Much love and peace to you...
(The above was me...my cat jumped on the keyboard)
I can't imagine having to make those decisions hoping to protect someone. I can't imagine having those decisions made for me. I just can't imagine what has happened and how you are feeling. There's a real unimaginable cruelty in the death of a child and I can't get my head around what has happened to you and Lola. It's so incredibly cruel and unfair. My heart is with you.
ReplyDeleteI hate that on top of dealing with losing Lola that you have to deal with all of this, too. It just makes it so much worse.
ReplyDeleteYou're in my thoughts. I'm so sorry.
(((hugs))) Wiseguy!
ReplyDeleteI think your questions are totally understandable. I feel for you. I too would have wanted that final goodbye, they took away your opportunity for "closure" and I'd also be furious!
Hiding the truth may have aided in your physical recovery but it must have done irreparable damage to your emotional recovery.
I'm so sorry.
Oh my friend, I read this post with tears in my eyes. You will go through so much of 'other people knowing best' but they don't. Only you do, in your heart. But now they have dealt you, in their love and care, the ultimate wrong. Be strong. You can never get that time back. You will always regret what you could have done, what could have been. But try to not let that regret eat into you as time progresses.
ReplyDeleteRemember the words that I sent to you. Many who have never walked the path, will have "words of wisdom" of how you should be, what you should do, when you should be recovered. But those who have walked the path will simply walk with you, and try to hold you up when you need it. We know. It is lonely, but you are not alone.
Hugs, huge hugs Wiseguy... you have much healing to do, and the wound will never be gone. But you have been dealt unfair blows too, that will undoubtedly set you back. Yes, you are the victim my friend, but do try to remember in your darkest moments that it was done out of love no matter how wrong. It doesn't make it right, but... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Always here, at the end of an email or a fb msg!
I can't think of anything else to say than I am so sorry... I do not know why they kept all this from you, and it does not matter what I may think about it or what I would have done, since I was not there. I am so sorry you are going through all this pain and I wished you didn't need to go through all this healing in the first place.
ReplyDeleteMany, many hugs.
Oh honey, I wish you got to hold her at least once too.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you; you should have been told. A mother wants her own recovery impacted by the truth. While I know they love and wanted to protect you, and help you in whatever way they could, I completely agree with you and I'd be questioning too.
ReplyDeleteSending you loving thoughts and many healing thoughts...
I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible thing to happen. And I'm sorry you were not told. You should have been able to hold her, to say goodbye to her.
ReplyDelete(here through Dora's blog)
It is almost like in hiding her death, they think they will cover up that she existed. Well, maybe not that harsh but you are her mother - you carried and gave her life, you should have also been involved in her death.
ReplyDeleteGetting rid of the death certificate? What does that help?
My mind spins at all of this.
I am so sorry.
Your pain, anger and questioning is so real and so validated. I can only imagine the feelings, but right now I'm angry for you. I want to scream in rage and desparation (this could also be the result of the prednisone that i'm currently on for my ivf cycle.. ;-) ) to just have one.. moment.. back.. with Lola. My heart aches for you and Lola and your family, because their confusion also says that they really don't know what to do. its so hard to have no control. so very very hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Of course you should have had the opportunity to hold Lola and say goodbye to her. I'm incredibly angry for you. Yes, the hiding HAS TO STOP. It is not helpful, it's hurtful. She is your daughter. That cannot and should not be erased. Her life, no matter how short, should be honored, not swept under the rug.
ReplyDeleteMuch love.
So sorry hun. Anyone would question it. I just wish there were answers, better answers. And yes, the hiding needs to stop now. They need to understand that.
ReplyDeleteSending you so much love and light, as always. I don't understand the hiding and the lying either. I do, however, agree it needs to STOP right away. It's not fair to anyone, especially you.
ReplyDelete*HUGS*
The Whys are so hard.
ReplyDeleteXOXO continually.
There are some answers you can never get, and some that will never be satisfactory.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of the Thoughtful Thursday I did on this topic a while ago. Since you comment on every one, I was curious what you'd written about whether you'd want to be kept in the dark. It seems that Lola's death is not the first instance of your mother keeping medical secrets from you.
http://babysmiling.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/thoughtful-thursday-know/#comment-5102
I am so sorry that you were not able to hold Lola even though you could have -- but do remember that you held her inside you for all of those months. I hope that you are able to remember and cherish feeling her in that way.
I simply cannot fathom how you are feeling right now. I SO wish I could do something to help. I think that ANY mother would be on the warpath after this, a crime in my opinion. She was your precious baby and you deserved to know. I'm sure people thought they were doing the right thing... but I happen to feel they were wrong. :(
ReplyDeleteBig hug to you.
I'm so very sorry - for losing your baby girl, for not being able to hold her, for everything.
ReplyDeleteI would be raining fire on everyone, I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of the death of your darling baby. I wish you strength.
ReplyDeletei can hardly think of anything to say. your and lola's story has just stuck with me and i can't stop thinking about it sometimes. i'm just so sorry she's not here and can't fathom her death being kept from you. i can understand the secrecy to protect you...but i just can't believe it, i really can't. so very, very sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry, as with everyone else. But mostly I am angry. So angry for you. It was not their decision to make. They could have protected you and still let you be her mother.
ReplyDeleteIt is OK to be angry. They should not have taken that away from you.
I can't even begin to fathom your anger and hurt. I get that they wanted to protect you... or at least I understand their motivation. But that doesn't make it any easier to live with.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you never got to hold your precious girl, never got to say goodbye. My heart hurts for you.
This is so horrible.. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it, and I am amazed that you are even speaking to these people at this point, I'm not sure I would ever be able to forgive for such betrayal! I can't say I'm sorry enough, and my heart aches for you
ReplyDeleteI am so heartbroken for you. I cannot believe that they kept it from you, and while I understand they wanted to protect you, I cannot begin to imagine how your heart must ache with not having said your goodbye the way you would have liked. I am so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI know they wanted to protect you. It's hard to accept that they had your best interest in mind and still do the wrong thing. It's perfectly normal to be mad. Mad at them for lying to you. Mad at the world for letting this whole thing happen to you. Give yourself time.
ReplyDeleteOh Wiseguy, I'm so terribly sorry you have to go through this. I fully agree that the hiding has to stop. The upset of not being able to hold her close and say your goodbye does remind me a bit of the loss of my parents' first born (he was stillborn) - they were not allowed to see him, hold him, say goodbye or anything. But that was 1969, I thought things had changed since then... I hope that over time you will be able to find some peace and give it a place (it took my mom 40 years). Take care of yourself. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you're going through. Good for you, for asking the questions, though. Keep asking, and take care of yourself. I don't have any good advice (assvice) but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and offer what support I can from halfway around the world...
ReplyDeleteI've been away for a week and I just burst into tears reading this. I'm so very very sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteYou should've been told. I 100% agree with you that it would've meant so much more that you could've had the chance to say goodbye and hold your precious one rather than potentially affecting your recovery from childbirth. Honestly, I think that this guilt of never being able to hold her and say goodbye is much worse for your recovery in the long run.
ReplyDeleteyou are so right... the hiding HAS TO STOP! Praying for your strength and healing.
ReplyDeleteI'm holding you close to my heart right now. I've "seen" you around the bloggy world but never clicked over until I saw Pundelina's post yesterday. I'm so heartbroken for you and I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your Lola. As other have said before me, this hiding has got to stop and I'm praying for your strength and healing. You are definitely not alone. ♥
ReplyDeleteI wish there were answers that would soothe your heart but I know there are none.
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace and sending love.
xxx
There are NOT too many questions. Nothing changes if we don't ask questions. If we don't ask, "WHY????" And you need as many answers as you can get right now. You need a why. For some things there isn't one. But there are some definite answers available here, and it's totally fair for you to demand answers. So you can know where they were coming from. So that you can write it down. So that you can process all of this in some way.
ReplyDeleteOh, sweetie, I hope you were able to get some photos in the beginning.
Here via Pundelina. Just another person in the blogosphere sending her love in the wake of your terrible loss.
ReplyDeleteWishing I had something more comforting to say. Wishing that you could have held your daughter in your arms. Wishing that all of this was so different.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. Wish I could comfort you somehow but I know there's nothing that can help. Were you able to get a few pictures during the days you had with her?
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog. I am so sorry for your loss. As a parent you had legal rights to be kept aware of her medical situation. What happened to you was wrong on so many levels. You are not a fool. Those lying bastards are fools.
ReplyDeleteI have been keeping your posts "as new" in my reader because, well, I guess I thought that if I waited a bit longer, I would have better words to offer. I've waited but the words haven't come. Thinking of you so much every day.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon your blog and couldn't believe how similar our stories are. I lost Alma 11 years ago 8 days after she was born after a full-term pregnancy, with no alarm signals other than the placenta being over-calcified and a stunted growth towards the end. The medical terms don't matter, but long story short she had a cardiorespiratory arrest at 2 days of age and, even though she was resuscitated, I was not told that she may have been left brain dead (it's hard to tell in a newborn) and with no kidney or liver function. My mother made the decision to not put her on dialysis (which would have been life-long) and to not attempt resuscitation the second time she flat-lined.
ReplyDeleteMy mother and I are both physicians, and her decision might have been right, but I could never forgive her. She also kept no pictures that I had taken of her. My mother suffered from infertility and it took her 6 years to conceive me. I blamed her for being jealous that I got pregnant right away. At least now when I think back I am no longer bitter at what she did, but just very very sad that I lost my little girl.
I only told you this so you at least you know someone knows how you feel... I was young, healthy, and this didn't need to happen, just like in your case. It gets somewhat easier, but not by a lot. I can honestly say I do not think of Alma every day, but when I do it hurts so very bad. Every time someone asks how many children I have I just want to burst into tears. Why is it fair not to count Alma, like she never existed? Every time someone refers to my second child as 'my oldest' I just want to punch them.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone.