...On the night of 19th when my breasts became hard and sore to touch, the nurses brought me hot water bottles rather than my baby. I should have known.
...Birdman was apparently away to Very Big City with our baby. Every SMS update sent to me about her after 16th Jan was fake. I was a donkey eating at his trough. I should have known.
...Visitors who came to see me in the hospital did not look me straight in the eye. I should have known.
...My mother sounded reluctant every time I asked her on a timeline on when my stitches would be cut and I could travel to Very Big City. I should have known.
...I grieved at how many pricks and tubes were affixed to my little baby while she lay cold and unfeeling at the bottom of an earth pit fatigued from all the effort she put into staying alive. I should have known.
...Family dropped clues on how oxygen deprivation could affect the brain. I spelt it out for them. I told them that Lola was my daughter even if she came out r-e-t-a-r-d-e-d from the ordeal. Lola would not want to be like that. I should have known.
...I fought with Birdman on how he had more time with our daughter than I. That man did not sleep for two nights standing guard at the NICU. Lola was his too. I should have known.
...Lola knew her name. Even though I never got to whisper her name in her ears and my FIL kept a name for Lola, Birdman requested that on her medical file she be referred to by the name I kept for her rather than 'Baby of WiseGuy'. He loves her through me and me through her, in his own way. I should have known.
There are no stopgaps on when dreams might get shattered. I should have known.
^WiseGuy^
Image Courtesy: http://www.jim3dlong.com/1893_Edvard_Munch_The_Scream-WR400.jpg (Copyright rests with the painter; image not used for commercial purpose.)
Oh my dear friend, how could you have known? Even when your head knows, your heart, your love as a parent screams "It can NOT be!" I know your family loves you and I'm sure they were trying to protect you but that doesn't stop it from hurting. Try not to be hard on yourself about not knowing and try to hang on to the fact that they acted out of concern for you.
ReplyDeleteFor many of us, it is hard to understand the cultural differences that allowed you to be kept in the dark. While that is hard for me to understand, I know it was done with love and the best of intentions.
I know how important names are and Birdman's insistence that the name you set aside for her be used shows both his love and esteem for you and his love and esteem for your daughter.
We love you and we will never forget her.
Oh there is no way that you could have known. Please don't be hard on yourself on top of the grief and loss that you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteYou are in all of our thoughts. We all care for you and are sending all the love and support that we can. I am so incredibly sorry that you are living in this hell.
Even when you know you don't really know, so don't beat yourself up.
ReplyDeleteAll that matters right now is that you loved Lola with all your being and she knew that, everyone knew/knows that.
I will say, acting out of best interests or not, you should have been told - you are Lola's mother, you should have been told, there are no excuses.
I know these words means nothing, I know they will not offer you any comfort but I guess at least they will let you know that you're not alone, there are M~A~N~Y right around the world holding you close right now and showering you with love.
Lola - always in your heart, forever entwined with your soul and eternally loved by her parents - never to be forgotten.
~x~
You could not have known.
ReplyDeleteI know that nothing anyone can say (much less a stranger on the internet) can take away even a tiny bit of the pain, but oh believe me if I could I would. I hope that you are taking care of yourself. Keep breathing. Just one breath at a time.
Oh Wiseguy, I cannot imagine the width & depth of your grief! But I will say this, I am with Miss Ruby in this regard, you should have been told.
ReplyDeleteI am so very very sorry for you loss.
Lola - gone from this earth but never forgotten.
Oh honey, there is no way you could have known. It's so easy to beat yourself up over smaller things when there's a huge, obnoxious elephant in the room demanding your attention. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss, but Lola was a lucky little girl for feeling nothing but love, both the entire time she was with you and even now after her passing.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words. I am shocked beyond belief. My sorrow passes across the oceans and across the sky - I am holding you in my prayers and thoughts. I light a candle for Lola today. xx
ReplyDeleteOf course as her mother they should have told you right away, but you're not a bloody fool, try not to beat yourself up - you couldn't have known. You're Lola's mom and you always will be, they can't take that away from you. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why things were kept from you, how could they not tell you, you are her mother you should have been the first to know everything! It's just unbelievable what has happened, I'm so sorry. Lighting a candle for Lola and holding you all in my thoughts xx
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love xoxo
ReplyDeleteSweet friend I can only echo the words above mine. Particularly Kristen's.
ReplyDeleteMany inappropriate and foolish things are done out of love, but you should have been told. And my dear friend, you could not have known.
I am glad Lola has been honoured with her name.
I'm so so sorry.
xxx
Sending you love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am so incredibly sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through but you are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteBarbara hit the nail on the head: Many inappropriate and foolish things are done out of love. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you werent told. I'm sorry because you shouldnt have known... It shouldnt have happened. My heart is so broken. Know that Lola has been in my thoughts and prayers since I read your post. You have been too...Hugs.
ReplyDeleteDear WiseGuy, as mothers, we THINK we should know everything about our babies -- but we can't & we don't. Please don't beat yourself up over this. Lola was much loved, and that is one thing that does not change, no matter where she was or is now.
ReplyDeleteI can understand your family wanting to shield you from the truth while you recovered, but I am really, really shocked that the medical staff were complicit in this. I would like to write more but I will bite my cybertongue for now.
WiseGuy, I am holding you in my heart more than you know, as are so many of us. I KNOW things are different there, and my anger on your behalf is not fruitful, but oh, man...
ReplyDeleteSweetie, I can't imagine your pain, but please know that I feel some of it. My heart aches for you, my sweet friend. Don't blame yourself.
I am crying with you.
ReplyDeleteKristin said it so well. Of course you could not let your heart go there. My heart is heavy for your loss, and I'm so sorry those around you handled it the way they did. I'm angry for you, but I hope you can forgive them so they can support you better right now.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, just as your other friends said, how could you have known? Us mothers don't know everything, despite thinking we should. Lola knows and can feel the love you have for her. There is not one second that goes by that she questions the love you have for her.
ReplyDeleteSending SO much love to you and to your beautiful Lola.
*HUGS*
I don't understand how you could've known. How could you ever imagine something as devastating as this. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and whisper comforting words in you ear.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss WiseGuy.
Everyone has said it so much better than I could. All I can offer is my heavy heart for you and Lola. [[Hugs]]
ReplyDeleteOh Wiseguy...my heart breaks for you. Sending prayers and wishing you comfort during this very difficult time. Lola will always be your special angel and she was blessed to have you for a mother..
ReplyDeleteI am so sad for you and for beautiful Lola. My heart hurts today. She will not be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteLoving you. Sending you love and peace and gentleness. Remembering Lola. Abiding with you. XOXOXOXO.
ReplyDeleteOh, no. I am in shock. I am so, so sorry. You, your hubby, and precious Lola are in my thoughts.
ReplyDelete((HUGS)) ((lots and lots of hugs))
I have been pondering about this for the last few days and I have to word it out (I don't even know if you will read this and this also might be an inappropriate time to type this)! You don't quite know me... we met through ICLW and I quitely followed you for over a year (with random comments in between)!
ReplyDeleteI am still checking on you over and over again wanting to believe that this is just a nightmare and I will wake up! My heart is aching for you!!
I recently visited your land; our land! And I was tempted to send you a mail asking if you would be interested in meeting up, but I hesitated, thinking that you would probably be reluctant to meet a stranger in the busy days of yours! And I feel so pissed at myself to have missed the opportunity (or atleast made an attempt) to meet your precious angel through you!
I can thoroughly understand where the "keeping in the dark" business is coming from. And "I Hate" this cultural aspect of our land! It just makes me wanna puke! When I was visiting... I visited a doctor for some condition and this "world renowned" doctor told me that it is "my belief" and I don't know what my kids are going through! Hah! When will these people learn to respect and value humans in the true sense?
I wish this was not the way it was meant to be! However, the fact does not change that you are a mother to this beautiful angel who will forever be loved and remembered! XOX
I'm so very sorry. Your family must have tried to protect you, but they were foolish. Thinking of you and your little angel.
ReplyDeleteI am writing to send much love your way. You are not a fool. You are a mother who has lost her dearly beloved child. There is no way you could have known anything until you knew it (and even then...).
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry for your loss, and even though I don't know you except through this blog, I am crying with you and for you.
I will not presume to tell you what was right and what was wrong. What should have been done or said. I was not there and I am not wise enough to always see clearly through the fog. But I do know this...You are marvelous, and lovely and Lola was so loved. I know that your once glowing heart is broken and your soul has been torn into a thousand pieces that will never mend the same way again. I sit here and cry for your precious little one and for you. Just sending so much love and tenderness over the ocean. I will visit my special place in the forest today and say a little prayer for her and you and your husband.
ReplyDeletePlease Wiseguy, don't waste the energy left in your heart right now with blame or beating yourself up. It's useless and robs you. Hold your dear husband close, cry as much as you need and live in each minute.
My dearest friend,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could turn back the time and give you your sweet Lola back. I wish that this nightmare were over and we would wake up and Lola would kick happily away inside you, waiting for the right time to join us. Sadly, all I can do is sit here and cry for your loss and know that the world will never be the same without Lola.
I am so very, very sorry. You do not have to beat yourself even more for what you should have done, you don't need this. Just take your time and grieve. We are here for you. We are grieving with you. I still can't believe she's gone.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs and love,
Mina
I am thinking about you and your family.
ReplyDeleteOh please please please my friend, I hope you are not even trying to be upset with yourself for any of this. I am sure that those who kept you in the dark had their reasons, but it didn't make things any easier for you in the long run. You, Birdman, your families, and your precious angel are in my constant thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeletethinking of you, wishing peace and comfort for your heart and head. I am so truly and deeply sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you.
ReplyDeletethoughts being sent up for strength to get through each hour for you, Birdman and Lola.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, none of us are programmed to contemplate such things... we are designed to cling to the hopeful, optomistic things. Please don't beat yourself up. Lola is always going to be a part of you, and she knows that you love her with every part of your being.
ReplyDeleteSending you much love...
You should have been told; this is not something I can understand. You are NOT a fool. You are a loving mother.
ReplyDeleteLola will never be forgotten.
Oh, I am heartbroken for you ... crying as I'm typing this. My husband shed a tear, too, when I talked to him about what happened. We wish we could help you carry your horrible burden. Have been thinking of you non-stop for the last few days.
Gentle hugs.
Visiting from LFCA to let you know how many strangers are sending thoughts your way. I am so sorry, beyond words, for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI echo Kristin's thought - even if you did have an inkling of an idea, as Lola's mother your heart would fight it.
ReplyDeleteNo - you shouldn't have known. None of it should have happened. I know that doesn't help but I am just as angry for you as I am sad.
Much love to you . . .
I agree with everyone. There's no way you could've known. With everyone acting as if all was going ok, it wouldn't cross your mind to believe they were "lying" to you. I know that they were trying to protect you from the truth, but honestly how long did they think they could keep it up before you got suspicious? Either way, don't put yourself down for not knowing. You wouldn't have dreamed that this would have happened, so why would it have crossed your mind that something so awful had happened?
ReplyDeleteThinking and praying for you and Lola. I am so sorry that you have to endure this kind of pain in your lifetime. It isn't fair ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI know that there is nothing I can say to take away your pain. As a babyloss mom myself, I can only tell you that my heart hurts for you today - this is a club that no one wants to join. I will not try to understand why you were kept in the dark, I can't even imagine. But thinking that you should have known or beating yourself up won't help. Not knowing this information in no way diminished your love for Lola or the bond that you had with her. She surely knew how much you loved her even as she was growing in your belly. You will always love her, you are her mother and always will be. Please don't hesitate to reach out to others who have lost their babies, hopefully it will be a source of comfort and sanity as you pass through this horrific, devastating time. My thoughts are with you, I am so very sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, and sending so much love.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say - I am so terribly saddened that you were not told of her passing. I just can't imagine your pain or how must you feel. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you today.
ReplyDeleteYou are not less of a mother because you did not know. Do you hear me when I say that because I mean it with all of my might?
ReplyDeleteI am holding you in my thoughts, still, and will for days to come. I hope you can feel a small hug from the city.
Sending much love to you at this very difficult time.
ReplyDeleteErica
I'm so sorry. Kristin said it very well. You couldn't have known. So many hugs coming to you.
ReplyDeleteYour love for Lola today is no different than it was a week ago, two weeks ago, three weeks ago. There is no magic "stop loving" alarm that goes off when your baby dies. There is no way to know. Keep breathing in and out and slowly the minutes will pass, then days, then weeks. Another breath to love her, remember her, honor her. I am terribly sorry for your deep loss. I will not forget brave little Lola.
ReplyDeleteI'm am so, so very sorry this has happened. I'll be thinking of you, Lola, and your husband. *hug*
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss and what you had to go through. Heartbreaking.
ReplyDelete(here from LFCA)
I'm so sorry. There was no way you could have known. (here from LFCA)
ReplyDeleteHere from LFCA. I am so sorry for your incredible loss....there are truly no words.
ReplyDeleteOh, Wise Guy. I am in total agreeance with Kristin, how could you have known? I am so so sorry for how things went down, and I wish that I could give you a hug and helping you more during your time of need. I am heart broken for you, and for what you have gone through, for the loss of this precious life, and the unfairness of it all.
ReplyDeleteyou couldn't have known. there was no reason for you not to trust what you were being told. I am so so sorry. For you. For your husband. For Lola. so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI don't think that is a leap that any mother could make easily. Please don't beat yourself up. Ditto to everything Kristin said.
ReplyDeleteAll I do is type- then delete- then type again. There is nothing I can say that will be enough. Nothing anyone can say will ever be enough. You couldn't have known. It was something kept from you. Do not let this be another emotion on top of the others jostling for space. I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteYou couldn't have known because many people (some of whom know you well) conspired to keep you from knowing.
ReplyDeleteDespite the fake messages for days and all of the lies, I am glad that Birdman stood by you in terms of using Lola's true name.
My heart is broken for you.
How can one know something so unimaginably wrong?
ReplyDeleteI never visited your blog before and as I sat and read it in an empty parking garage this morning I just cried and cried and cried.
I'm so very sorry.
I am just so incredibly sorry for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with what some of the previous posters said, you had a right to know the truth.
I am so saddened that your family kept you in the dark about this, even if they meant well.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Here from LFCA... I don't have any words that can take your pain and sadness away. Just know you have so many people thinking about you and sending you hugs...
ReplyDeleteAs has already been said - there are just no words. I hadn't read before...but I truly am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. And people wouldn't have know what the best things to do is. there are no rules for these things, and no predictable ways the heart will react.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for all your pain. ((HUGS))
I am so, so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am so so very sorry for you and your family. I have been following you for at least a year. I cannot say I know/understand what you are going through but I do feel for you and wish there was something, anything, I could do for you.
ReplyDeleteYour pain makes me feel like I'm drowning for you. I'm so, so sorry. :(
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the pain you must both be feeling - I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry..... There are no other words.
ReplyDeleteOh Wiseguy!
ReplyDeleteSo many decisions made during difficult situatins can seem 'right' at the time. However, in hindsight they will often reveal themselves to be just what they really were:- decisions made under the most extreme of conditions. They could not have known, nor could you....
Wiseguy and Birdman many candles burn the world over in honour of your beautiful Baby Lola.
Love to you all!
LS x
I am so terribly sorry for your incomprehensible loss. You must feel so alone at the moment. We are all here holding your hand through this complete devastation. Rest in peace baby Lola, and watch over your mother.
ReplyDeleteMy heart weeps for you. please know that they were trying to protect you and tell you when you were strong enough. Well, that's the only explanation I can think of.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way you could have known...
ReplyDeleteMy heart contintues to ache for you. Your pain and heartberak have shaken me (and everyone else) to my very core. I do not understand why the universe continues to send such devastation to such a beautiful soul...it is so very unfair.
I think of you continuously and am sending you constant love and strength.
Oh sweetie, this is so incomprehensible. How could you have known? After all of these things you could never suspect that such a horrible thing had happened. I am so so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through but please know I'm thinking of you and your much loved Lola.
ReplyDeleteHere from LFCA. You can't ever really know unless you are seeing it with your own eyes. Please don't blame yourself for something you could not control. I am so so sorry for what happened to you and to Lola. We are all thinking of you, praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. There are no words... you are in my thoughs.
ReplyDeleteWiseguy, my heart breaks on reading your news about your dear Lola. I am so, so sorry. And even more so that the concealment of her death may have caused you additional grief and self-blame. How could you possibly have known? What has happened is beyond imagination. I am so sorry and sending many many heartfelt thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteMo
It is hard to imagine anything worse than losing your child, but the circumstances of how you were treated indeed have found a way. I am terribly sorry, Wiseguy. Please don't blame yourself. For anything.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is broken for you. No words, just tight hugs. Fran
ReplyDeleteMy heart is aching for your loss. Please know that the thoughts of so many are on you and your little one.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI am keeping your family and Lola in my prayers
I'm sorry seems such a trite thing to say, but I'm lost for other words. I hope that you know that many people care about you and yours.
ReplyDeleteI'm here from LFCA. I am so very sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you. I know the pain of having an angel baby. :( There are no words. Just know that there are people all over the world thinking of you and your family!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you, Lola and Birdman. I have been in shock ever since I read the news. It is unbelievable! There are no words that can help you right now! Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm profoundly sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you, Birdman, and Lola so much. Hoping in the depths of your grief you feel the love of so many surrounding you and somehow find the strength you need for each moment.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine the depth and breadth of your loss, so I will not cheapen or minimize your feelings by saying I know how you feel. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I hope the knowledge the hundreds, if not thousands, of strangers have been touched by your story and are praying for you will bring you some measure, however small, of comfort.
ReplyDeleteI am so, so sorry. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you all day, every day.
ReplyDeleteOh my god, I am beyond shocked dear Wiseguy and so incredibly sad for you and Birdman. What a horribly cruel ending to your fairytale. I can't imagine why your family would mislead you but I am certain their actions came from a place of (misguided) love. You could not have known but it surely must feel that way now, one expects one would know, would somehow sense the departure of beloveds.
ReplyDeleteI am thinking of you and sending all my love to you across the ocean.
Rest well little Lola, you are loved by many.
My heart breaks for you, I cannot imagine your pain. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteoh I am so so sorry for the loss of your dear lola. there are no good words. wishing you peace and healing.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. Abiding with you at this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers remain with you during this time!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, Lola.
ReplyDeleteVisiting from Mrs.Spock's blog.
Wiseguy, my friend. I cannot even begin to imagine how this feels and it terrifies me that this is your reality. Sending love and light.
ReplyDeleteGoodbye sweet Lola.
xx
no no no!!! it wasn't supposed to be this way! this is not fair. my heart is shattered and my tears are yours. how could i have neglected you during this time? i wish i could do something or say something to make it better, but i know that only time will patch this wound, for it will never be healed. i am so very sorry. sweet sweet lola, your name is forever etched on my heart.
ReplyDeleteI have no words. I am devastated and hurting and crying for you. I have followed you for what seems like years now. You have us all here to lean on. It's so unfair.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. Holding you in my thoughts and sending love your way....
ReplyDeleteI don't think the mind can conceive such a thing--it's unknowable. I am so deeply sorry, more than stupid useless words can express.
ReplyDeleteI'm here via Egghunt's blog. Words can't fix this and so I won't try to offer any. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am here from Egghunts blog as well. I am just so sorry. I cannot begin to understand the decisions your family made, but do know that nothing is your fault. You trusted them.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my heart.
Here from Frustrated Fairy and wanted to tell you how very very sorry I am for the loss of your sweet Lola. My heart just breaks for you. Surround yourself with kind people who will care for you and be as gentle with yourself as possible. Again, I am so very sorry.
ReplyDeleteSent here through many friend's blogs. There are no words. It's not fair, and I am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI'm holding you in my heart, and thinking of each of you, and of Lola. I can't even begin to describe how sorry I am for all of this... sending you thoughts of light and love, and crying out for and with you in the dark.
ReplyDeleteI think about you every day. I don't even know you and you have been such a support to me. I wish I could reach across the bandwidth and hug you. I wish there was a way I could make this all go away for you.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are on my mind.
ReplyDeleteThat response touched me deeply.
ReplyDeletePlease take, take, take from us. Do not give. You have already given too greatly.
I dont know why, but this is what it took to bring the tears. Oh, Wiseguy. I am just so very sorry Lola is gone. I am so sorry.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I cannot even wrap my mind around this. Lola, gone. How could you have known?
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry. I remember saying similar things when our child died. He was never healthy and it should have been obvious (for one thing he never moved in the womb), but I didn't want to see it.
ReplyDeleteLola is a beautiful name for a beautiful baby. I am wishing you peace. My heart is breaking for you.
i am so sorry for your loss. there is no way you could have known but yes they should have told you. i would have wanted to have known too.
ReplyDeletei have a daughter and i will hug her a little tighter when i think of you and your loss. no one should know the pain you are in right now.