I dedicated today to Farmville and playing catch-up with blogs. I had another do-on-PC thing lined up but from the look of it, I am not going to do it at all today.
I have these moments where I count and recount my days and specifically think of what I felt before and now, and how drastically different I feel.
I spent a long time imagining being pregnant, and now that I actually am, I think I could not have anticipated the emotional and mental shift really. Milestones, they are all there - concrete and dated.
The constant sacred knowledge of carrying another life inside? It is dizzying and powerful. But more than that, it is transforming and humbling.
I feel amazing. I have instances of being scaredy cat, and other times I am too elated, but still to know that I will be holding my child in my arms soon is so comforting.
And now, I am on two boats...one that wants to stop the ticking away of the clock, and the other one where I want to hasten week 21 to week 35 in a minute...
One thing that exists as it exists from my 'imagine' days is that I don't take this state to be for granted. I am careful and noteful of dates and measurements and so on, and I don't expect life to be as cozy bloom as a fertile would.
I know that even though the way Kaiser has come about to be in my life almost negates the whole treatment build-up prior to the conception, but I know that this is not a fertile's definition of 'easy'. And in a way, it is an infertile's definition of 'miracle'.
What do I treat it like? I do not know...I only hear whispers of the days to come, and long to feel more of this in the days ahead.
^WiseGuy^
I have these moments where I count and recount my days and specifically think of what I felt before and now, and how drastically different I feel.
I spent a long time imagining being pregnant, and now that I actually am, I think I could not have anticipated the emotional and mental shift really. Milestones, they are all there - concrete and dated.
The constant sacred knowledge of carrying another life inside? It is dizzying and powerful. But more than that, it is transforming and humbling.
I feel amazing. I have instances of being scaredy cat, and other times I am too elated, but still to know that I will be holding my child in my arms soon is so comforting.
And now, I am on two boats...one that wants to stop the ticking away of the clock, and the other one where I want to hasten week 21 to week 35 in a minute...
One thing that exists as it exists from my 'imagine' days is that I don't take this state to be for granted. I am careful and noteful of dates and measurements and so on, and I don't expect life to be as cozy bloom as a fertile would.
I know that even though the way Kaiser has come about to be in my life almost negates the whole treatment build-up prior to the conception, but I know that this is not a fertile's definition of 'easy'. And in a way, it is an infertile's definition of 'miracle'.
What do I treat it like? I do not know...I only hear whispers of the days to come, and long to feel more of this in the days ahead.
^WiseGuy^
I can hear your joy coming through in your words. You're getting there!
ReplyDeleteyou're in that - what is the number? - 4% of infertile people who got pregnant 'naturally.' that's miraculous to me.
ReplyDeleteIt IS a miracle, and I hear you. Part of me can't wait for the next milestones...and the other part of me wants it to never end...
ReplyDeleteI think it's pretty miraculous no matter what- I mean, all the things that must align and all the things that must go right? Amazing, awe-inspiring, beautiful, delicate, miraculous.
ReplyDelete